Orphans And Racism: The Unspoken Tragedies That Secretly Define Five Major Christmas Specials

It took me years to have the proper jaded eyes with which to see Christmas specials for what they truly are. No, not thinly veiled commercials. Christmas specials hide a bevvy of deeply disturbing  subtexts that rarely to never get spoken of. And for good reason. Kids love this stuff, and to stand off to the side and point out all the inconsistencies and inappropriate moments would only make me the worst kind of troll there is.

That having been said, I will now stand off to the side and point  out all the inconsistencies and inappropriate moments from the Christmas specials we have all grown to love over the years. Also, please don’t come on the comments and tell me how foolish these theories are. Ofcourse they are silly, but they atleast deserve the right to be heard and laughed at accordingly. And don’t fire too many arrows. Cracked.com has made a name for itself with pieces like this. 

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (Revenge For Bullying)

His actual plan was to take all their trees and plants, which would deprive them of the oxygen needed to stay alive. 

Okay, before I say anything, let me ask all of you insightful readers this. Without checking any other fiction about the Grinch character, or viewing a movie that fluffed up the story, what do you think happened to the Grinch when he was growing up? Do you think he hated the Who’s down in Whoville just because they were happy and he wasn’t, or was his hatred much deeper than that? Was he forced to live in that cave, up on that mountain, on the outskirts of that perfect town, full of perfect people, just because he looked and acted differently than them?

Listen, let’s say that the Grinch was fifty years old when we first saw him in the cartoon, just for argument’s sake. There is a good chance that forty years earlier, the Who’s may not have been so nice and peaceful. Maybe they were like Nazi’s, and only wanted pure bloods to be around. And so, for years, stuck up in that mountain, he just got angrier and angrier, trying to hatch a plan. And when he finally did, The Grinch did the Dr Seuss version of going postal. He hit them in the one place they loved the most. The Holidays.

The animated inspiration for the trenchcoat mafia.

The truth is, a lot had changed since they last saw each other face to face, and instead of being mad at Grinch for what he did, they were grateful because they knew it was justified, and knew it could have been much, much worse. I mean, he totally could’ve eaten little Cindy Lou Who, but he didn’t. And it was that shred of compassion he showed them, that they never showed him, that caused them to all unite that day, under the truce of one love, green or pink.

But honestly, you have to wonder what happened when Christmas ended. What was the next day like? Did the Grinch stick around, or go back to his evil ways after eating their roast beast? How much you want to bet the Who’s went back to being racist? Just thinking aloud, sorry.

Frosty The Snowman (All The Kids Are Orphans)

” Hey kids, you should project your abandonment issues on to me, ONCE  A YEAR!”

Frosty was the precursor to this whole article. I sat there last week, watching it in awe. SO MANY THINGS popped out to me that never had before. I go over it rather extensively right here, and I suggest checking it out , if for nothing else than to see how questionably my brain works.  For you lazy readers, I will give you the abridged version. And I will do it in one breath:

Once you notice that all the kids are wearing shorts while playing in the snow, the most pressing issue that these kids are clearly facing is a life without parents presents, and that fact never lets up. Add to that the weird school they attend (obviously special education) where terrible, creepy magicians are brought in to entertain said children, and then allowed to follow said parentless children outside to play with them without adult supervision. The parentless kids then become hive minded and decide to build a “snow parent” who can fill the void in their isolated worlds. Creepy magician guy decides to perpetuate the lie so he can ultimately set them up for my failure and loss, which in turn, means he is grooming them so he can become the ultimate molester. Both these points are only perpetuated by the fact that he follows them on a train to North Pole, then kills Frosty in front of Karen. At this point, Santa shows up (poor delusional kids) but what if he hadn’t? What did that magician really intend to do to Karen once Frosty was gone?  I don’t want to know.

Also, when you know how to successfully hop a refrigerated train car to the North Pole, it is pretty clear you have the mindset of a traveling hobo and not that of a well-loved and nurtured child, which none of these kids were. The only rational one in the group was a bunny that always looked stoned. Seriously.

Professor Von Molest A Lot and his “high as f*ck” bunny. BAM. I rest my case.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (His Friends Wanted To Make Him Kill Himself)

The poor kid is plagued by a life where nothing goes in his favor. That is supposed to be humorous?

Do you even understand the first dialogue in this Christmas special is Charlie Brown talking to Linus about how he literally can’t feel anything. He goes on and on about how Christmas time should make him happy and hopeful, but it makes him feel nothing. And Linus, who is often then most sensitive to Chucks’s needs, simply points out that Charlie Brown is a buzzkill and sucks at life. Now I know this is the whole angle of the Charlie Brown comic. Poor kid is an old, angst-ridden soul jammed inside the body of a young ( but still old looking) child. And for the most part, if he goes to kick a ball and gets it pulled away from him, we can laugh. But when he is telling his best friend that he is dead inside and the holidays are only making it worse, and his friend dismisses his sadness, well, this hints at a major problem. The kid is a depressed nihilist. And it only gets worse.

You see, Lucy decides that it would do chuck some good to direct the Christmas play at school, so she gives him the job. It is a nice move, we think, until we see what happens. Well, first, people react like they just found out Hitler is directing. And they react this way IN FRONT of him. He then tries to redeem himself by picking out the Xmas tree, and ofcourse, he fails (by their standards, not mine) which they let him know, again, over and over and out loud to his face. Lunkhead is the word they use most. Even Snoopy is a dick to him. By the way, why do we like this dog? Just wondering.

Even his own dog laughs in his face. Man’s best friend my ass.

I realize we can all flash forward and we can see that the mean kids come around by the end of the special, basically, apologizing to Chuck and then, for some odd reason, forming a chorus line around the tree and sing to it (though I have ALWAYS loved how they take breaths between each verse) and the cartoon ends. And guess what, if we are to go on the unspoken rule of this hellish universe this boy is in, they immediately get cruel to him again.

And if this all seems a little far fetched, let’s not forget what Peanuts special aired two weeks ago, because I thought this pic I kept seeing online was a meme or a photoshop, but it’s not. The Peanuts world is filled with hate.

 I know we can look at this pic now and it looks like a badass pimp move, but trust me, it wasn’t meant that way.

  • Frank

    This seems to be written by someone enamoured with how clever they are. Not that the points made are wrong, or without humour buried somewhere inside – but confessing that cracked produces this sort if article often, makes the reader naturally draw a comparison. Unfortunately, the quality of writing isn’t up to cracked standards, nor the standards set by this site as a whole.

  • Skot

    Having seen “Frosty The Snowman” just last night, and it being fresh in my mind, I feel the need to point this out: Karen makes reference to her mother while climbing aboard the refrigerated train car (something about her mother not being upset so long as she’s back home by suppertime). She is not an orphan, in spite of her not wearing pants.

  • GrandWazoo

    I agree 100% with Frank.

    FYI “of course” and “at least” are two words each, not one condensed word. Also, did you really go out of your way to acknowledge internet trolls and that your article is very similar to a cracked article? You writing an article like Cracked is not supposed to be a good thing. You even mention the comments, which is something that the worst Cracked articles do “Now I know I’m going to get flack in the comments for saying this” is one of the most common phrases on Cracked. Honestly, if you want to write for Cracked then apply at Cracked, don’t write a copycat article for a different site then constantly compare your work to them.

  • RBourn

    If you were trying to write a Cracked article, you forgot to number the entries. Also, you know they are accepting articles from anyone now?

    This doesn’t feel like an Unreality post, I’m not sure why this is even here. Writing “And don’t fire too many arrows. Cracked.com has made a name for itself with pieces like this” really doesn’t exempt you from criticism.

    I have enjoyed many of your other articles on this site, but I think you could do with writing stuff like this actually for Cracked and stick to your very good film based stuff here. This just seems out of character for the site and for you.

  • Guys, the article is satire. Lighten up a little.
    I was poking fun at the idea of pieces like this.
    I have had articles re-linked on Cracked, so this is not me attempting to feud with them, nor was I trying to emulate them.
    Was simply trying to have some fun.
    Do something different.
    That is all.
    Why have I not yet earned that right? This always confuses me.
    If you have followed my stuff, anytime I do an article like this, I go down in flames. But I never stop doing them.
    Because there are no rules. If Paul okays it, that is all I am worried about. In this case, he did.
    There are plenty of movie lists coming, but suggesting I should “stick to them” seems a little priggish of you.
    Also, the kids in Frosty have no pants on.
    I don’t care if you all think that is normal, that is weird shit, and someone needed to say something about it.
    I am still working on those “satire” and “sarcasm” fonts, but I got a lot on my plate right now.
    I love you all, regardless.

  • trashcanman

    For the record, Cracked stopped being a humor site some time ago and this article was funnier than the lame self-righteous political correctness and personal pet peeve blogs they let on there now. I enjoyed this one, Carreiro, although I do agree that Unreality would be better off adopting a different format for its pieces than the done-to-death Cracked formula.

  • frank

    Insinuating that the reader didn’t get the intention of the article, or that satire wasn’t recognized is missing the point a little. I believe much of the criticism isn’t based so much on the fact that readers weren’t bright enough to understand your intent or that you should stick to another type of post, but rather, didn’t think the execution was particularly good.

  • GrandWazoo

    This time I agree with lower case frank.

    Satire is a tricky thing and needs to be executed perfectly or else it comes off as cheap and smarmy. That’s why Mark Twain is such a revered writer. He elevated satire to an art form and it may be unfair to compare you to him, but you opened the door yourself. Too bad it hit you square in the face.

  • ^ Hey, was that door comment satire? I think I get it now.
    Thanks guys.
    Sorry I stepped outside of YOUR comfort zones.
    I will stick to mouth kissing and above the belt fondling henceforth, so as to avoid such drama.
    Thanks for reading, regardless.
    I guess.
    Or something.

  • Frank

    Clearly you are insulted Remy, and rightly so – your skill as a writer is being questioned. Though, I don’t see any of the comments as being especially malicious.

    To me, it seems even more amateurish to continue to talk down to your readers, and rather than examine what criticisms are there, to adopt the stance that it is us who is at fault for this piece being poorly written. It is never easy to admit something you wrote was not up to par, but perhaps the notion is at least worth your attention.

    I might also add the following; while I may not speak for everyone who has read the article by any means – I think, based on the comments made here, that we all understood what you were attempting. It was within my comfort zone, and I think, if the article were better written i would have enjoyed it. Then again, I could be wrong.

  • monstrinho

    In the Rudolph animation. THEY TOOK THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN’S TEETH OUT WHILE HE SLEPT! That will always be the tragedy in that film.

  • I live, I learn. I get insulted when the weather changes, so it is by no means a reflection on you all as it is still some inherent doubt in my skill as a writer, which is plainly why I get so upset.
    Onward and upward, as my imaginary friends always say.

  • GrandWazoo

    It’s not that you’re a bad writer by any means; it’s more akin to some kid in an AP English class learning a bunch of fancy words, then using as many of those words as he can in every paper he writes.

    Your satire of Cracked wasn’t a bad idea, but the execution was a bit ham-fisted. You wanted to satirize every single aspect of a Cracked article, but by doing so it because muddled. When I think of satire, I think of Mark Twain and his perfection of the device. You can read Huck Finn as nothing more than a story and it still holds its own, even though it is one of the best works of satire ever written. You can’t read your article without noticing how blatantly it makes fun of the style and content of a Cracked article.

  • GrandWazoo

    it became, not it because*

  • Charlie Ward

    I thought it was a good article, Remy. Just so you know you’re not unappreciated and junk.