Orphans And Racism: The Unspoken Tragedies That Secretly Define Five Major Christmas Specials

It took me years to have the proper jaded eyes with which to see Christmas specials for what they truly are. No, not thinly veiled commercials. Christmas specials hide a bevvy of deeply disturbing  subtexts that rarely to never get spoken of. And for good reason. Kids love this stuff, and to stand off to the side and point out all the inconsistencies and inappropriate moments would only make me the worst kind of troll there is.

That having been said, I will now stand off to the side and point  out all the inconsistencies and inappropriate moments from the Christmas specials we have all grown to love over the years. Also, please don’t come on the comments and tell me how foolish these theories are. Ofcourse they are silly, but they atleast deserve the right to be heard and laughed at accordingly. And don’t fire too many arrows. Cracked.com has made a name for itself with pieces like this. 

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (Revenge For Bullying)

His actual plan was to take all their trees and plants, which would deprive them of the oxygen needed to stay alive. 

Okay, before I say anything, let me ask all of you insightful readers this. Without checking any other fiction about the Grinch character, or viewing a movie that fluffed up the story, what do you think happened to the Grinch when he was growing up? Do you think he hated the Who’s down in Whoville just because they were happy and he wasn’t, or was his hatred much deeper than that? Was he forced to live in that cave, up on that mountain, on the outskirts of that perfect town, full of perfect people, just because he looked and acted differently than them?

Listen, let’s say that the Grinch was fifty years old when we first saw him in the cartoon, just for argument’s sake. There is a good chance that forty years earlier, the Who’s may not have been so nice and peaceful. Maybe they were like Nazi’s, and only wanted pure bloods to be around. And so, for years, stuck up in that mountain, he just got angrier and angrier, trying to hatch a plan. And when he finally did, The Grinch did the Dr Seuss version of going postal. He hit them in the one place they loved the most. The Holidays.

The animated inspiration for the trenchcoat mafia.

The truth is, a lot had changed since they last saw each other face to face, and instead of being mad at Grinch for what he did, they were grateful because they knew it was justified, and knew it could have been much, much worse. I mean, he totally could’ve eaten little Cindy Lou Who, but he didn’t. And it was that shred of compassion he showed them, that they never showed him, that caused them to all unite that day, under the truce of one love, green or pink.

But honestly, you have to wonder what happened when Christmas ended. What was the next day like? Did the Grinch stick around, or go back to his evil ways after eating their roast beast? How much you want to bet the Who’s went back to being racist? Just thinking aloud, sorry.

Frosty The Snowman (All The Kids Are Orphans)

” Hey kids, you should project your abandonment issues on to me, ONCE  A YEAR!”

Frosty was the precursor to this whole article. I sat there last week, watching it in awe. SO MANY THINGS popped out to me that never had before. I go over it rather extensively right here, and I suggest checking it out , if for nothing else than to see how questionably my brain works.  For you lazy readers, I will give you the abridged version. And I will do it in one breath:

Once you notice that all the kids are wearing shorts while playing in the snow, the most pressing issue that these kids are clearly facing is a life without parents presents, and that fact never lets up. Add to that the weird school they attend (obviously special education) where terrible, creepy magicians are brought in to entertain said children, and then allowed to follow said parentless children outside to play with them without adult supervision. The parentless kids then become hive minded and decide to build a “snow parent” who can fill the void in their isolated worlds. Creepy magician guy decides to perpetuate the lie so he can ultimately set them up for my failure and loss, which in turn, means he is grooming them so he can become the ultimate molester. Both these points are only perpetuated by the fact that he follows them on a train to North Pole, then kills Frosty in front of Karen. At this point, Santa shows up (poor delusional kids) but what if he hadn’t? What did that magician really intend to do to Karen once Frosty was gone?  I don’t want to know.

Also, when you know how to successfully hop a refrigerated train car to the North Pole, it is pretty clear you have the mindset of a traveling hobo and not that of a well-loved and nurtured child, which none of these kids were. The only rational one in the group was a bunny that always looked stoned. Seriously.

Professor Von Molest A Lot and his “high as f*ck” bunny. BAM. I rest my case.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (His Friends Wanted To Make Him Kill Himself)

The poor kid is plagued by a life where nothing goes in his favor. That is supposed to be humorous?

Do you even understand the first dialogue in this Christmas special is Charlie Brown talking to Linus about how he literally can’t feel anything. He goes on and on about how Christmas time should make him happy and hopeful, but it makes him feel nothing. And Linus, who is often then most sensitive to Chucks’s needs, simply points out that Charlie Brown is a buzzkill and sucks at life. Now I know this is the whole angle of the Charlie Brown comic. Poor kid is an old, angst-ridden soul jammed inside the body of a young ( but still old looking) child. And for the most part, if he goes to kick a ball and gets it pulled away from him, we can laugh. But when he is telling his best friend that he is dead inside and the holidays are only making it worse, and his friend dismisses his sadness, well, this hints at a major problem. The kid is a depressed nihilist. And it only gets worse.

You see, Lucy decides that it would do chuck some good to direct the Christmas play at school, so she gives him the job. It is a nice move, we think, until we see what happens. Well, first, people react like they just found out Hitler is directing. And they react this way IN FRONT of him. He then tries to redeem himself by picking out the Xmas tree, and ofcourse, he fails (by their standards, not mine) which they let him know, again, over and over and out loud to his face. Lunkhead is the word they use most. Even Snoopy is a dick to him. By the way, why do we like this dog? Just wondering.

Even his own dog laughs in his face. Man’s best friend my ass.

I realize we can all flash forward and we can see that the mean kids come around by the end of the special, basically, apologizing to Chuck and then, for some odd reason, forming a chorus line around the tree and sing to it (though I have ALWAYS loved how they take breaths between each verse) and the cartoon ends. And guess what, if we are to go on the unspoken rule of this hellish universe this boy is in, they immediately get cruel to him again.

And if this all seems a little far fetched, let’s not forget what Peanuts special aired two weeks ago, because I thought this pic I kept seeing online was a meme or a photoshop, but it’s not. The Peanuts world is filled with hate.

 I know we can look at this pic now and it looks like a badass pimp move, but trust me, it wasn’t meant that way.


15 Comments

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