If the Final Season of Breaking Bad Was Written by Dr. Seuss (P. 1)

[Ed. note: Ever since the last episode of Breaking Bad, TJ’s meth-themed poetry has been piling up in my mailbox. Again. It’s oddly coherent, so here’s his rhyming recap of season five.] 

When last we left Walt at the end of last season
It seemed he and Jesse at last had a reason
To sigh in relief now that Gus Fring was dead
(His health took a turn when his face left his head)

But just because one or three baddies had died
Didn’t mean some loose ends didn’t need to be tied
For instance, that lab where the boys cooked their meth
Held some evidence that could condemn them (to death)

‘Cause Gus, as a man disinclined to much laughter
Had kept careful track of his three valued staffers
His cameras above watched his minions below
And it might not be long before Hank saw the show

Since despite Walter’s efforts to torch the whole place
Ample footage existed that showed his whole face
Walt and Jesse found Mike, and the three formed a plan
That involved a huge magnet inside of a van

The plan mostly worked, and you know how we know?
No good reason, I guess, except Walter “said so”
Meanwhile, Walt’s lawyer (the Saul you should call)
Tried to sever his ties (not just once, but for all)

Yet Walter stood fast, to Saul’s nervous dismay
Snarling low, “We’re not done until after I say”
Alas for the group, Hank is still on the case
(Yes, in spite of lost footage that magnet erased)

‘Cause Gus’s connections ran awfully deep
Plus some secrets are harder than others to keep
Mike learned this firsthand when he nearly got shot
But before snuffing Lydia, has second thoughts

Now deliberately joining old Walter and Jesse
Mike’s hands—hardly clean—were about to get messy
Some turns of events had been yet unforeseen
And the boys had a need for some more methylamine

But where should they cook? What could be their location?
They settled on homes amid pest fumigation
The setup was “perfect”; the team was in place
But at home Walter had other issues to face

‘Cause he’d moved right back in with his kids and his wife
Who was more than a little bit scared for her life
Since in essence of late she’d been Heisenberg’s captive
(And really, she hadn’t been super adaptive)

She’d had but a taste of her Walter’s new malice
His new alter ego was cold, shrewd, and callous
But what could she do except launder and wait
For Walt’s cancer to snatch up more lung real estate?

On Walter’s next birthday, while Walt played it cool
She took a long dip—way too long—in the pool
The kids went to stay with Marie and with Hank
Skyler smoked with long stares that were bluntishly blank

Up next on Walt’s list? Bugging Hank and his crew
And to keep the meth flowing, to keep the sky blue
Walter, Jesse, and Mike (and a few other dudes)
Planned a heist to stock up on their methylamine brew

To be more specific, here, let me explain
In a Wild West fashion, they robbed a freight train
The plan worked like charms from the Wizard of Id
Until Todd went off script and killed off a damn kid

This troubled poor Jesse, whose anger was bristling
While Walter, unfazed, went to work—softly whistling
He found a distributor near his domain
Who signed up with Walt upon learning his name

Yet in spite of their relative bout of success
And the relative clout they appeared to possess
Hank Schrader & Co. were white-hot on Mike’s tail
(As they followed up leads from the death of one Gale)

They were closing in fast with a capital F
So Mike said his goodbyes to his meth’s master chefs
But Heisenberg wouldn’t let sleeping dogs lie
Deciding that now it was Mike’s turn now to die

Mike had one request before life’s last release
“Walter, shut the f*ck up, let me die with some peace”
Mike’s body slumped over, but Walt wasn’t done
His body count didn’t just stop at just one

He paid for ten hits in two minutes, three jails
Singlehandedly severing most of Hank’s trails
The days turned to months and the monster Hank sought
Still eluded his grasp—all his work was for naught

Heisenberg had prevailed in the heat of the fire
He’d built his own kingdom, his methyl-empire
It seemed as though nothing could make the man falter
But Hank found a clue from a whole ‘nother Walter

The pieces—once missing—now fell into place
With a note Walter White had not cared to erase
“Fondly, G.B.” the inscription was signed
(Cue the flashback montage from inside of Hank’s mind)

Walter might think his kingdom can glide over all
But his pride might precede Breaking Bad’s greatest fall
Heisenberg’s final fate is uncertain, but brewing
The stage has been set for this monster’s undoing


  1. Emanon September 14, 2012
  2. RadioSlayer September 14, 2012
  3. MrParlett September 15, 2012
  4. TJ Fink September 15, 2012
  5. Remy Carreiro September 15, 2012
  6. PacRim Jim September 17, 2012
  7. TJ Fink September 19, 2012

Add Comment

The 10 Best Bigfoot Movies of All-Time
The Most Iconic Accessories To Appear on Film
Here’s How to Make That Lasagna From “Garfield”
The “Star Wars: Last Jedi” Gag Reel Features Carrie Fisher Slapping Oscar Isaac 40 Times
The Dragon Age Origins Gift Giving Guide
Five of Our Favorite Breath of the Wild Recipes
Breaking Down Each of the Races in Tera
How to Get Going with an Enchantment Table in Minecraft
How Timmy From South Park was Saved from Being Removed From the Show
Who Are the Most Popular Superheroes on TV?
Analysts Say By 2028 Netflix Will Grow To 262M Subscriptions And 72% Of America
“Rick and Morty’s” Rick Sanchez is Full of Life Wisdom
If “Ready Player One” Were More Realistic (Comic)
Video Highlights The Most Useless Superhero Powers of All-Time
RPG Bosses You Always Fight On Your Quest (Comic)
The True Power of the Infinity Gauntlet (Comic)
LEGO Reveals A TRON: Legacy Light Cycles Set
A Noise Canceling Noodle Fork That Drowns Out Slurping Sounds
We Need to Talk About These Kids Meal Spongebob Toys
“Star Wars” Darth Vader Stovetop Kettle Will Bring You To The Dark Side
Famous Cosplayer Yota Nakiri Before And After She Started Cosplaying
Amazing D&D Cosplay Brings Kenku To Life
Ideas for Female Video Game-inspired Halloween Costumes
Five Video Games that Generate the Best Cosplay