How to Improve American Gladiators

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I thought the old school version of American Gladiators was decent, but this newer version is horrible.  I can’t really pinpoint what the difference is; maybe I just didn’t realize how bad the original show was when I was younger.  In any event, American Gladiators is currently not worth watching.  There’s a lot of problems with this show, and I have a problem with the dudes on this show being called “gladiators” when they frequent the covers of Men’s Health.  Even worse, there’s one guy called Wolf who howls like a wolf EVERY SINGLE EVENT.  We get it, dude.  You’re a wolf.  That’s your schtick.  If you licked your balls, then maybe I’d be impressed.  Here’s five ways to improve American Gladiators and make it totally sweet:

1. No More Chicks

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Having women on this show is pointless.  Whenever the women compete, I’m either hoping for the event to end so we can watch the men compete or hoping for a boob or vaj lip to become exposed.  I’ve had no luck with the latter, so I think it’s safe to say the chicks have got to go.  Except for Gina Carano.  She can do whatever she pleases.

2. The Assault

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During The Assault, a gladiator fires tennis balls at the competitor, who tries to make his way to different stages in the arena, where he can earn points for firing off different weapons.  If the competitor is hit with a tennis ball, the event is over.  This is probably the easiest event to fix: simply replace the tennis balls with pool balls.  I suppose the competitor can still wear a helmet, but he should be taunted for doing so.

3. Atlasphere

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In this silly event, gladiators and competitors are placed in giant spheres.  The competitors attempt to navigate their sphere onto certain targets and, if successful, a puff of smoke rises from the target and into the sphere.  The gladiators, naturally, try to prevent the competitors from reaching the targets.  To fix this event, we’ll have to flip the script.  Instead of the competitors trying to reach the targets, they will be trying to avoid them.  The gladiators, in turn, will do their best to force the competitors onto the targets.  Why?  Because when a sphere reaches a target, instead of smoke rising, it’s a flame.  Competitors and gladiators are doused in gasoline before the start of this event.

4. The Joust

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The Joust is a very simple event: a gladiator and a competitor try to knock each other off raised platforms using giant Q-tips.  To improve the event, the mats below the platforms will be replaced with a pit of spikes.  A pool of lava or a tank of great white sharks is also acceptable.  I’m thinking having the ends of the Q-tips set ablaze before the event might be a nice touch, too, but I don’t want to get carried away and compromise the safety of the competitors.

5. Power Ball

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Admittedly, Power Ball is a pretty cool event and doesn’t need much fixing.  This event gives the gladiators and the competitors a chance to show off their strength and athleticism, and from the shows I have watched, all the injuries happen during Power Ball.  With a couple of tweaks, though, Power Ball could be better.  First, no pads or helmets.  That’s obvious.  Second, a handgun loaded with one bullet should be placed on the ground in the middle of the playing area before the event starts.

With these changes in place, I think American Gladiators could actually be watchable.  Or, you know, they could just bring back Malibu:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGDwScgb_Y0


  • Internet Toughguy

    The show does, in fact, suck. So do your pained attempts at humor.

  • Drester

    So gay