Game of Thrones Review: “Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things”

(Sorry this is late, I was out of town)

Well someone died and someone got screwed, but those weren’t the most interesting parts of this week’s Game of Thrones.

This episode felt kind of like a history lesson, which is good in the sense of learning background about the characters and the kingdom, but also feels like someone’s just straight up reading the original book to you. I know they need a way to get this info out, but I think the show is bordering on almost too much exposition at times.

The most interesting piece of history we learned this week was the kingdom’s past tanglements with the dragons that once flew about the land. Legend tells of a time when brave men slay dragons, but Viserys tells of a time where the truly brave RODE them. He also talked about how the skulls used to line the throne room, and their fire was used to fuse the throne of enemy swords together.

Looks a tad uncomfortable.

I’m going to be pretty upset if all this dragon talk turns out to be one big cocktease, and the show drags on for five seasons before even showing us a glimpse of one. But the problem is, dragons don’t really feel like they belong in this world, as no other magic seems to exist, besides whatever the hell the White Walkers are, and that guy the prostitute met who can “change his face like men change their clothes.” Maybe he’s just really good with makeup. I do want to meet that flamboyant pirate with tons of gold and silk sails she mentioned.

The Targaryen drama unfolded almost exactly the way it did last week, with Viserys going off the handle at his sister for sending a servant to fetch him for dinner. He assaults her once more, but with no bodyguards to defend her this time, she does so herself, whacking him in the face with a necklace, which apparently is more than enough to halt his tiny fists of fury. She reminds him that she’s the queen, bitch, and the next time he touches her, she’ll have his hands cut off.

Privately, she expresses what I’ve known since episode two, that her brother is in no way going to win back the throne, even if the Dothraki army he’s allegedly bought would ever follow his orders. I have never quite understood this plotline, as I don’t get what makes the Dothraki feel the need to keep this seemingly one-sided deal. If he was part of some rich, powerful family that STILL had influence, I could see Droga wanting to help him out, but what the hell is stopping a man as brutal as him from just taking his hot sister as his bride, murdering him on the spot, and going on his merry way? What’s in it for him if he crosses the ocean and sacrifices thousands of his people for this blond idiot? This is a point that needs to be made clearer.

“Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess!”

Meanwhile, across the narrow sea, more relevant plotlines unfold. Ned is starting to look into the death of the previous hand, and discovers that before his demise, he was looking through a book about the kingdom’s genealogy. He was also visiting an out of the way armory, and when Ned goes to investigate, he finds a young burly blacksmith’s apprentice that he immediately knows is King Robert’s bastard. Glad we didn’t have to drag that mystery out.

But what does this mean? I think I have it figured out. There’s no indication of how long the incest between the queen and Jaime has been going on, and I have every reason to believe that Prince Jauffrey is actually a product of their unholy union. At last his creepy face makes sense! They probably wanted a “pureblood heir” or something like that, and this is their way of making sure the Lannister bloodline takes over the throne.

But with the existence of this new kid, HE would be the one to take over the throne, because even if my theory is wrong, and Jauffrey is Robert’s child, the other kid is older. Bastards can still take the throne, right? Anyway, people who have read the books, don’t ruin my guessing with facts please.

Who needs DNA tests when you have eye color?

Up north in the wall, Jon Snow finds himself protecting a new fat recruit who claims he’s a coward like it’s some sort of infectious disease. He can barely hold a sword or even look over the wall due to a fear of heights, but Jon learns that his father cast him out, and said he was so useless to him, he could either join the Night’s Watch or die of a hunting “accident.” We also learn that despite his smoldering good looks, Jon Snow is still a virgin because he’s worried about getting girls pregnant and creating more bastards like himself.

I guess the addition of Sam gives him something to do, but I don’t think this show really needs a fat, comic relief-type character. I think it would be awesome if they made the actor lose a ton of weight over the course of the season, and become a fighting badass, but I don’t know if I can see that happening.

I have two questions for you all this week about moments I don’t quite understand. The first is simple, who did they say on the council was a eunuch? It’s not the Master of Coin who’s helping Ned out, Petyr, right? I couldn’t understand the name they said.

Sir Dickless?

The second is about the story that Petyr told on the end, and the whole situation leading to the “accidental” death of the possibly murderous squire of the old right hand. The guy with the burned face is who, the queen’s guard? And his brother, the “mountain” killed that guy as a favor to the queen? But with that story that was told about him holding his brother’s face in the fire, shouldn’t the two of them be mortal enemies? I thought at first the burned guy was Ned’s chief guard, and that would have made more plot sense, but no, he’s the queen’s man, yes? I guess I just don’t understand their relationship. Are they both working for the queen?

The episode ends with a rather awesome scene that has Lady Stark making a citizen’s arrest of Tyrion Lannister, whose biggest crime was not being in this episode enough. He didn’t do it, but now he’s going to be hauled back to Winterfell to explain himself, and even with his silver tongue, I wonder how he’ll do that. I’d love to see him get on board with taking down his sister and her douche-tastic twin.

See you next week, and I’ll have this up earlier than I did this time.

Yes, subdue that dangerous dwarf.

 


  • George

    Varys, also called “the Spider”, is the eunuch. He’s the bald guy who talks about his “little birds”.

  • Lacy

    The eunuch is the bald guy.

    • Paul Clark

      Lol I ask that no one please not to speak I’ll words about lord baelish his work to me admirable I mean he had helped what’s her face to escape sans a was it? Also khaleesies brother does remind me about Zelda’s link lol

  • Lacy

    Sam is pretty interesting character.

  • Comfortable Madness

    The eunuch is not Peter, the Master of Coin. Varys, the short bald guy is the eunuch.

  • Darren

    For your 2nd question, “the dog,” or the heavily scarred dude, is the king/queen’s head bodyguard/henchman. His brother the mountain is the guy that pwned the prissy ex-squire of the old Hand. Lastly, Ned’s right hand man is the scruffy shorter dude that had that conversation with Jaime Lannister outside of the King’s bedroom to deliver a report, but the king was…busy.

  • Dave

    While I agree with the posts above about Varys being Sir Dickless, I distinctly remember the show pointing out that Baelish was the eunuch. Maybe this was an error, or maybe I heard it wrong, but this confused me as well.

  • Lee

    The guy with the burned face (the Hound) and the huge guy (the Mountain Who Rides) are brothers and both serve the Lannisters, but they also hate each other. The Hound is also Joffrey’s personal bodyguard. And the guy the Mountain kills in the jousting accident is the recently knighted guy that Baelish told Ned to interview (but never actually got to.) We aren’t explicitly told if he was ordered to do it or if he just felt like killing him (both are plausible).

  • Levance

    the hound (the guy with the burned face) is the queens personal gaurd hired by her father, and the Mountain is the hound’s brother who is also a hired goon of the Lannister Family, they are there to protect the lannisters and their interests in Kings landing, they are sibilings which is why they are not enemies and i beleive they are the only ones of their family mentioned so they may have only had each other their whole life. I bleieve the mountain killed that guy because he may have known something about the previous hands death as he was Jan Arryn’s (the old hand of the kings) squire and constantly around, so its kind of looks like the lannisters are tieing up lose ends regarding the old hands death, pretty interesting

    Sam is Jon’s pet project and feels for him as an outcast of his family, except Jon was privilaged enough to recieve training and still come up rather well even tho he is the bastard, thats why he has such an interest in Sam. I think it leads to Jon becoming more in the Nights watch then just a soldier.

    THe dragons they keep mentioning and showing those dragon eggs so many times has to lead to something with them, they must still be around in some capacity or will appear in some way, they just have too.

  • the eunuch is the one that looks like a eunuch…

    yes, lady stark is awesome.

  • ThePlanetEarth

    Sam’s charcter helps push the development of John Snow as a leader. As for the Mountain and the Hound, the face in the fire happend because of a toy the hound was playing with that belonged to the Mountian when they were both younger. They both work for the queen. The story that Petyr tells Sansa simply means that they are ruthless killers…beware!

  • Random Leon

    i can’t remember what parts of the show might have caused confusions about petyr baelish being a eunuch but as a reader i can confirm varys is the only eunuch on the council.

    also, some might consider this to be a *minor spoiler* (so don’t read this next part if you want zero spoilers) but sam is not treated as comic relief and does develop into an interesting character, at least in the books.

  • matt

    what u said about the prince actually being son of his uncle i can see happening, i hope that robert’s bastard becomes king

  • arild

    The Clegane brothers (Sandor “The Hound” and Gregor “The Mountain”) are both sworn Lannister men.

    In this feudal world, your primary expected loyalty is to whom was your father’s (and grandfather’s and so on..) lord, not who you “want” to serve.

    It would be an act of treachery to serve anyone else.

    That, of course, won’t prevent you from hating your fellow sworn men, or even your own brother, as is the case with the Cleganes.

    The founder of the Clegane house was the grandfather of the two brothers, who served Tytos Lannister as a kennel keeper, and was rewarded by a knighthood when he saved Tytos’ life.

    Tytos was the father of the present lord Tywin Lannister, the father of Jaime, Cersei and Tyrion.

  • Thank you, all you highly knowledgeable people.

  • HBO has a truly fantastic on-line character guide at the Game of Thrones site. Hopefully, this is the correct link: http://viewers-guide.hbo.com/game-of-thrones/#!/guide/houses/

    For those who haven’t read the books, I’d think this might really help.

  • riot_invoked

    Did you even watch the episode?

  • Henry

    Oh Sam’s gonna develop his own interesting character, don’t worry.

    And things are going to happen in this world far beyond what you’ll imagine….

  • jpo

    But the problem is, dragons don’t really feel like they belong in this world, as no other magic seems to exist, besides whatever the hell the White Walkers are, and that guy the prostitute met who can “change his face like men change their clothes.”

    Just a tease: The magic is bound to the dragons, so more dragons, more magic. When the last of the old Targaryen dragons died, magic more or less left the world, but Dany has the eggs…

  • Bob

    I don’t see how there is any confusion over who the eunuch is. The only time anyone is mentioned as being a eunuch is when Pycelle says “Did you know Lord Varys is a eunuch?”

    So, maybe there is just confusion over who Lord Varys is.

  • Roger

    If a bastard could inherit, Jon would have just as bright a future as Bran (ued to have).

  • Jon

    the guy w/ the burned face is sandor clegane (the ‘hound’) he specific job is to guard prince joffrey. his brother gregor and him do really hate each other, but they both work for the lannisters. gregor is a bannerman of tywin lannister, cersei and jaime’s dad, who i cannot wait to see plays him. varys is the eunuch, and he looks the part, since eunuchs were always known to be a bit chubby. as far as Drogo goes w/ marrying a Targaryen, that family ruled the 7 kingdoms for centuries, so the name itself carries a hellova lotta weight.