Missouri Planning Ahead: Drafts Bill to Ban Human-Animal Hybrids


Here’s how I imagine the conversation went between Republican Tracy Arnold and his fellow legislators as he proposed a bill to ban human-animal hybrids last week.

Arnold: I’d like to call for a vote on my latest bill

Speaker: Tracy, we’re still in the middle of the child poverty act and–

Arnold: Mr. Speaker, the specter of human-animal hybrids looms. There will be no children left in poverty if their brains are all transplanted into bird lizards.

Speaker: We also have an education bill, medicaid reform–

Arnold: Have you seen these creatures? If you had, you would not be so flip.

Speaker: Tracy, I’ve told you that you can’t just draft a bill based on whatever movie you’ve just watched. This is the “Protect Our Cities from Giant Transforming Robots” bill all over again. And let’s not forget the “Stop Masked Animal or Insect-Themed Vigilantes Act.”

Arnold: That was my mistake. I now know that spiders are arachnids, not insects.

Speaker: Goddamnit.

Arnold: You won’t be laughing when the bird lizard women are flying around your house.

HB 819, The Protection of the Human Person Act:

“Embryos that contain human and nonhuman cells, nuclei or chromosomes.
Embryos that were created by fertilizing a human egg with animal sperm, or vice versa.
A nonhuman life form “engineered” with a human brain.”

  • trashcanman

    Funny piece, but to be fair this is a very real scientific possibility with horrifying socio-political implications. Biotech and gene-splicing are really goddamn bad ideas and should have been banned the day we discovered what DNA was. Still, I’d kind of like to see the attack of the bird lizard women….

  • bigpartymaker

    But incest is still ok in Mizzou right?

  • bigpartymaker

    Sorry Missouri, this is actually from Mississippi. But actually, this is just a right winger trying to sneak in anti-abortion law under the guise of preventing a Manimal outbreak

  • lol

    If this passes, animorphs will never be real…

  • hallamq

    Haha that’s some great dialogue