Unreal Movie Vault: The Transporter 2 (2005)

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If I wasn’t laughing so hard throughout this movie, I would have been insulted. The Transporter 2 was so preposterous that it made xXx look like an Oscar-winning documentary. And look, I can suspend disbelief and enjoy a film for pure entertainment value, but in this instance that was like asking someone on a diet to starve themselves for a year.  Read more after the jump:

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I can’t really put my finger on which scene was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Perhaps it was when our protagonist, Frank, discovered a bomb on the bottom of his car. Instead of diving out of the car while it was still in motion (which I totally could have handled), Frank drives the car up a ramp so that the car flips upside-down and a nearby crane knocks the bomb cleanly off the bottom of Frank’s car before a dramatic explosion. I think I actually said out loud, “OK, movie, you win. Do whatever you want from now on and I won’t ask any questions.”  The dude sitting behind me told me to shut up.

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Then there was the issue of the uber-contagious virus. Frank becomes infected with the virus (surprise) – which you can pretty much get if someone infected even thinks of you – and then proceeds to speak on a pay phone. Way to be careful, Frank. Never mind that the antidote is in a vial the size of a grapefruit and yet there’s enough to cure hundreds of people. Actually, there’s not, but I guess the writers cut that out of the script to make room for another useless explosion.

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To me, the funniest part of the movie was the climatic final fight aboard a private jet. Being the good soul that he is, Frank makes it through the movie killing no one (except that blonde chick, but believe me, she was asking for it). Rotten henchmen attack Frank from every direction and yet he fails to kill any of them, opting to knock them unconscious with a fire hose or something. I don’t know. Anyway, after sparing the lives of dozens of attackers, Frank breaks a pilot’s neck without hesitation — the one guy in the movie who has a legit job and is just trying to make ends meet to feed his family. I was pretty upset about that, but I quickly moved on when the jet crashed nose-first into the ocean and Frank avoided the impact by JUMPING TOWARD THE BACK OF THE PLANE UPON IMPACT. That works in real life, right?

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To add insult to injury, the first words of the credits read, “Dedicated to the memory of Michael Stone.” Good job, Mr. Leterrier. You’ve managed to simultaneously make one of the most ridiculous movies of all time (and this says a lot coming from a guy who liked  can tolerate Aliens vs. Predator) and redefine the term “spinning in his grave.”

Overall, I enjoyed the movie!


4 Comments

  1. Cerberus November 17, 2008
  2. HC March 30, 2009
  3. the_Bega August 18, 2009
  4. Madison August 18, 2009

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