I’m not sure what’s going to piss me off the most about Twilight. Is it the X-Men like powers they’ve given vampires now, or maybe the vampire facial expressions that range from smugness to angst and back again?
The fact is, it’s probably both, but we’ve traveled a long way to get to this level of vampire toolage, so it’s important to look back at the last few years on how something so badass as vampires have been turned into an emo teen sensation like what we’re seeing with Robert Pattinson and Twilight. Behold, the eight douchiest vampires of all time, which suspiciously happen to be within the last twenty years:
8 ) David – The Lost Boys
What’s his deal: He’s the leader of the Lost Boys, a vampire motorcycle gang.
Why he’s a douche: Granted he’s kind of a badass, but the leader of a motorcycle gang of vampires? Please. And I realize that it’s the ‘80s, but there is never an excuse for hair like that, not in any decade. It’s also kind of a douche move to enlist to innocent kids to forfeit their eternal souls to join up with you. Fortunately he gets what’s coming to him in the form of some deer antlers to the chest. Yeah, “stake” has kind of a loose interpretation doesn’t it?
7) Bill Compton – True Blood
What’s his deal: The last of the Compton clan, he’s been a vampire a relatively short amount of time (only 175 years).
Why he’s a douche: He is less of a douche compared to most of the others on this list, but it’s his one-look facial expression and his one-tone voice that make him almost unbearable to watch during the show. And how he charms the pants off Anna Paquin with that routine makes me hate him even more.
6) Viktor – Underworld: Evolution
What’s his deal: A former warlord turned vampire elder.
Why he’s a douche: The first vampire ever, Markus Corvinus, trusted him to help aid with the return of his brother, the first werewolf ever, William Corvinus. But Viktor betrayed Markus and locked his brother away. Eight hundred years later karma finally slapped him back when Kate Beckinsale Kill Bill-ed the top of his head off with a sword. And seriously, button that shirt up man.
5) Spike – Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What’s his deal: Evil vampire turned halfway decent.
Why he’s a douche: Spike always just pissed me off. I’m not sure whether it was his ridiculous hair (why can’t vampires ever just have normal hair?), his razor cheekbones or his annoying catch phrases (bloody hell!), but he just rubbed me the wrong way. Although I’ll take sarcasm over angst any day.
4) Richie Gecko – From Dusk Till Dawn
What’s his deal: Bank robber and criminal extraordinaire
Why he’s a douche: To be fair, he was kind of a douche before he got turned into a vampire, which will happen when you’re a psychotic serial rapist. But after death he was kind of a dick too, attacking his own brother and forcing him to put a stake through his heart to calm him down.
3) Louis – Interview with the Vampire
What’s his deal: Plantation owner turned vampire
Why he’s a douche: Who copes with tragedy by becoming a vampire? Oh your wife and daughter died so now you have nothing to live for? So become a vampire and live FOREVER and kill a bunch of people along the way. Why not? Also, he bit a little girl named Claudia, causing her to live forever in child form, and kill hot girls because she’s jealous of their boobs. That’s a douche move right there. Also, the hair isn’t helping.
2) Deacon Frost – Blade
What’s his deal: A young up-and-comer in the vampire community.
Why he’s a douche: God, this guy was annoying. He bites Blade’s girl, kills his best bud (Noo! Whistler!) and always has that dumbass smile on his face. The vampire elders thought he was an impudent whipersnapper because he wanted to emerge from the shadows and enslave humanity and he wasn’t even born a pure-blood vampire! The nerve!
1) Lestat – Queen of the Damned
What’s his deal: He’s a super powerful ancient vampire but…
Why he’s a douche: He wants to become a god in the modern era, so what does he do? After being awakened from his eternal slumber by a rock band (seriously) he rejoins the real world by becoming their lead singer. Sigh. Even the other vampires think he’s a douche for this, and are pissed off he’s got such a public persona. But he Lestat doesn’t care, cause he’s going to rock out for ETERNITY.