20 Reasons Why The A-Team Absolutely Sucked


There are tons of crappy movies out there, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen one as terrible as The A-Team.  My esteemed colleague Mr. Tassi didn’t think it was so bad, but this is one of those times where we really disagree.  I wasn’t expecting much at all from The A-Team; I was really just hoping for a fun action flick that didn’t take itself too seriously.  Apparently, that was too much to ask.  I don’t care whether or not there were inconsistencies with regard to the canon established by the television show – The A-Team was a flat-out horrible movie with no redeemable qualities whatsoever.  It’s even all the more pathetic when you consider that the casting was pretty damn good.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been so turned off by a movie, and only once before have a complained and whined in this type of post.

Below, you can read 20 reasons why The A-Team totally sucked.  Of course, there will be spoilers.  And yeah, I know, I’m a big baby who can’t turn his brain off and enjoy a fun action movie.  Whatever.


1. The dialogue.  There was nothing clever or funny about any of the dialogue.  It was atrocious throughout the entire movie; I couldn’t believe some of the things these actors were forced to say.  The most egregious offense?  Probably when Face said to Sosa, without even the slightest hint of irony, “God, I forgot how beautiful you are.”  Balls.

2.  The cliched villain’s monologue.  Of course, toward the end of the movie when Pike has a gun pointed at a helpless Face, he can’t just shoot him.  Nope, he’s got to ramble on like a moron so that B.A. can swoop in and save the day at the last minute.  This type of thing has become so cliche that it’s actually been referenced in dozens of movies.  Apparently writer Joe Carnahan hasn’t seen any of them.

3.  Pike couldn’t hit B.A. with a machine gun, but had no problem shooting a cable.  Amazing, right?  B.A. is dropping down the side of a building, and Pike unloads round after round of machine gun fire at what I think we can all say is a pretty large target.  Unable to make the shot, he instead fires at – and instantly hits! – a thin wire cable holding up a scaffold.  So is he a crack shot or isn’t he?  I guess it depends on the situation.

4.  Face encased in tires and rolling down a hill.  Hilarious.  I had to check my ticket stub and make sure I wasn’t in The Hangover 2.


5.  Physics be damned.  Look, I know that in these type of stupid action movies, you can’t get too wrapped up in what is physically plausible.  I get that.  But I can’t buy for one second that firing a tank’s cannon while it is dropping from the sky is going to somehow soften the blow when it crashes into the ocean.  The tank’s velocity isn’t constant – it’s accelerating due to the force of gravity – and any recoil from firing the canon is going to be minuscule compared to the tank’s velocity upon impact.  This wasn’t an action movie, it was a damn Roadrunner cartoon.

What’s even worse is that at the end of the movie, when the A-Team is apprehended for breaking out of prison, Hannibal states that even though they were framed, “breaking out of prison is still a crime.”  Oh, thanks – I guess the budget wasn’t big enough for both a legal and a physics consult.

6.  Let the dogs eat him.  Really?  I know bad guys are supposed to be stupid, but Jesus Christ.  In the beginning of the movie, they can’t use their own guns to kill Hannibal and Hannibal’s gun won’t work.  Why not just cut his throat?  Set him on fire?  Suffocate him?  Nah, just let a couple dogs out and walk away.  Assume he’ll die and everything will go smoothly.  Good plan.

7.  Speaking of dogs, was B.A. one?  Because half the movie was spent trying to coax him into doing things by offering him treats.  Murdock was batsh*t insane and wayyy more of a potential liability than B.A., but you didn’t see Face and Hannibal bribing him with sweets.  Honestly, you could have replaced B.A. with a rottweiler and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

8. The crematorium.  This was one of many stupid plans throughout the movie.  Either Hannibal was faking being dead to escape prison or he was drugged so that he appeared dead.  Fine.  But if he was faking, why wait until the last possible second to spring up and emerge from the crematorium.  For crying out loud, the friggin’ fire had started before he jumped up.  And if he was drugged, well, that’s pretty damn convenient to wake up right when the flames are ignited.  Faking or drugged?  Who cares – it’s stupid either way.

Also, that’s a pretty quick turnaround time for cremation, no?  Aren’t there some forms to fill out or something?  Maybe, I dunno, HAVE A DOCTOR TAKE HIS PULSE AND PRONOUNCE HIM DEAD?


9.  Spoon feeding.  Remember toward the end when Face was shuffling those big cargo crates?  Did it remind you of how he was shuffling those red cups when explaining his plan?  Because if it didn’t, the movie was considerate enough to actually flash back to Face shuffling those red cups during the shuffling of the crates.  Look, if you’re not smart enough to make that connection without being reminded, you probably shouldn’t be allowed in public.  Just a total lack of respect by the movie for its audience.

10.  That amazing trick at the end!  Honestly, did any of you, even for one second, not think that Sosa slipped Face a key when kissing him at the end?  It wouldn’t be so bad if the movie didn’t think this was the most clever thing in the world.  Like I was expected to fall out of my seat with disbelief as Face dramatically pulled the key out of his douchebag mouth.

11. Inconsistent Lynch.  No, I’m not talking about John Hamm’s cameo at the end.  I’m talking about how at first, Lynch seems like just some CIA dude, kind of dickish, nothign too bad.  But later, he’s all of a sudden the biggest a-hole on the planet, singing his lines and treating everyone around him like sh*t.  Uh, when did this switch happen?  There were times in the first half of the movie where he clearly didn’t need to maintain his front, so where was the douchebaggery then?

Ugh, I’m asking for consistency in characters in an A-Team movie.  I deserve to be punished.

12.  The action sucked.  If the action was good, I’d be willing to overlook all the horrible writing, dialogue, plot holes, etc.  After all, this is supposed to be a fun action flick.  But it’s not.  The action is awful.  Sorry, but Bradley Cooper hanging on a crane against an obvious green screen while poorly animated cargo crates drop from a sh*tty CGI ship doesn’t cut it in 2010.  It was worse than underwhelming – it was boring.


13.  Photo booths are soundproof.  When Face handcuffs Sosa inside the photo booth -which is located in a pretty high-traffic area – they’re fighting and struggling and she’s pretty loud.  It would be impossible not to notice.  But since the curtain was closed, I guess nobody did, and security was never alerted, and no Good Samaritans stuck their heads in to investigate.  Good thing, too, otherwise we never would have gotten the cheesiest line I have heard in years (see #1 above).

14.  The 3-D movie escape plan.  The chances of the hummer actually busting through the wall at the exact second the on-screen hummer…you know what, forget it.  Just chalk it up to another great plan coming together.

15.  How does a silencer work?  Really?  Lynch is ready to deceive the United States military and his right-hand man doesn’t know how to screw on a silencer (or suppressor)?  Was every villain in this movie supposed to be missing a chromosome?

16.  Quoting Gandhi to justify violence.  Absurd.

17.  You shot me and hijacked my van.  Oh, but you’re an Army Ranger, too.  Cool.  Nice to meet you.


18.  Exposing Lynch at the end.  Who set up the crane to lift the crate in which Lynch was standing?  Wasn’t everything destroyed and shot all to hell?  And what timing, what with everyone gathered around and Lynch in the middle of his self-incriminating little monologue.  Good lord is Face a good planner.

There is not one “plan” in this entire movie that would not have resulted in at least half the A-Team members getting killed within one minute of its execution.

19.  General Morrison’s beard.  Yeah, this is nitpicky, but if you go a span of six months without shaving, you get a pretty thick beard.  You don’t, however, look like Osama bin Santa Claus.

20.  It’s just another hastily thrown-together pile of crap to tug on the strings of nostalgia and make some dough.  That’s it.  There was nothing fun about this movie, which I am convinced was conceived as a bunch of actions scenes that would later be tied together by a stupid, formulaic story.  From a marketing standpoint, the most important thing about this movie was the casting.  Once that was in place, it was just another case of cranking out a script, filming it, and putting it out there to assault the senses of the masses.

Even I’m surprised at how bitter and jaded I sound, trust me, but there really was not one single redeemable thing about the complete and utter abortion that was The A-Team. It’s amazing that even going into some movies with zero expectations I can still be disappointed.


  1. KC July 1, 2010
  2. Icecream July 1, 2010
  3. KC July 1, 2010
  4. Madison July 1, 2010
  5. Madison July 1, 2010
  6. floppytall July 1, 2010
  7. Madison July 1, 2010
  8. floppytall July 1, 2010
  9. Madison July 1, 2010
  10. Paul Tassi July 1, 2010
  11. Madison July 1, 2010
  12. adam July 1, 2010
  13. adam July 1, 2010
  14. Madison July 1, 2010
  15. Tyler July 1, 2010
  16. Nike Melson July 1, 2010
  17. Madison July 1, 2010
  18. Jbo July 1, 2010
  19. Jack July 1, 2010
  20. medgecombe July 1, 2010
  21. Tron July 1, 2010
  22. Madison July 1, 2010
  23. R.Starr July 2, 2010
  24. MoFoJames July 2, 2010
  25. average joe July 2, 2010
  26. tb8367 July 2, 2010
  27. KC July 2, 2010
  28. Madison July 2, 2010
  29. Madison July 2, 2010
  30. Mario July 5, 2010
  31. Madison July 5, 2010
  32. Thomas July 7, 2010
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  34. Legion July 9, 2010
  35. Madison July 9, 2010
  36. PetE July 11, 2010
  37. KoolKiller July 20, 2010
  38. wallymiyim July 31, 2010
  39. shell August 1, 2010
  40. Bob August 3, 2010
    • Madison August 9, 2010
  41. Munch August 19, 2010
  42. Chris August 23, 2010
    • Madison August 23, 2010
  43. Dick October 7, 2010
    • Madison October 7, 2010
  44. bob January 3, 2011
  45. Martin January 9, 2011
  46. Rachel February 12, 2011
  47. Jon February 17, 2011
  48. Ses March 9, 2011
  49. lulz May 30, 2011
  50. martin July 2, 2011
  51. Tom July 18, 2011
  52. Victor September 16, 2011
  53. Justin October 9, 2011
  54. Caitlin October 22, 2011
  55. joe jim January 29, 2012
    • Barancy Peloma April 16, 2014
  56. jhon April 13, 2012
  57. Bryan July 30, 2012
  58. Aaron Ashton November 4, 2013
  59. Barancy Peloma April 16, 2014
  60. LaughingMonkey August 21, 2016

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