Seven Lies Perpetuated By Modern Cinema

Since my childhood, movies have been lying to me. Not only lying to me, but lying to my face. Lessons I was learning through cinema as I was growing up were greatly exaggerated and oftentimes, altogether wrong. The problem was, I was raising myself through movies because both my parents abandoned me as a small child (for eight hours a day, respectively) and movies were always there.

Oh, movies. And the damned lies they tell us.

All Sex is Good

While awkward sex has been portrayed in film, it is the minority by far. This trope is kind of hilarious, though. Just because it is such an unfair thing to try convince people. It especially makes me feel bad for people who don’t form relationships until their twenties, because, by then, they have been force-fed this belief for so long that no matter how good it is, the first time they have sex, it will probably suck.

I was lucky, I learned pretty young that this was a lie that movies were telling me. We don’t all shimmer like that. There is no such thing as perfect lighting. Sometimes, sex is awkward.

We don’t all roll over, perfectly coated in shine, and smile wide while our partner embraces us. No matter what music you put on, be it a CD or a Pandora station, the flow and tempo between songs will change, thusly affecting your pump speed. Movies NEVER touch on these things.

Wait, why are YOU behind ME? Oh no, I didn’t sign up for this…

You ever notice in those scenes, it is all happens during ONE SONG? Yeah, unless you are weird and like to play tracks on repeat, over and over, that is not how sex works. Oh, unless you are quick on the draw. Then I guess one song is really feasible, but if you think she isn’t making fun of you to her friends about how you only lasted two verses into Total Eclipse of the Heart then you are crazy because she is. Right now. Trust me, I am friends with her.

And the moaning and back clawing and such?

Well, that stuff tends to feel a little forced in real life. For example, if you are with a girl, and she claws at your back with her nails, attempting to run them down your back in a very specific fashion, if you are anything like me, you think: This girl has seen too many movies.

I imagine it must happen to woman a lot as well. The guy who stands in the doorway and takes his shirt off, all slow-motion style ? Does that happen in real life? Someone needs to comment on this piece and tell me.

Perpetrators: Gia. Basic Instinct. Don’t Look Now. The Big Easy. The Last Seduction. Risky Business.

The Ease It Takes to Knock Someone Out

I love the fact that movies want you to believe that you can knock someone unconscious with all the ease of blowing lightly on their face. Now I know people will say “Well, in this one fight in the UFC…” but I would cut you off right there and tell you that is a void statement. Those men are trained in the art of making other people unconscious in as time efficient a manner as possible, so it is a bad example.

Note the blood and the anguish and the twisted position he ended up in.

In movies, even Adrien Brody seems to have the ability to punch someone once and make them topple over. To put it in perspective, Adrian Brody weighs 26 pounds. No, seriously, it is on his IMDB page.

Hi, my name is Adrien Brody. I weigh 26 pounds and fight Predators.

Truthfully, the act of knocking someone out takes a cavalcade of things to work out perfectly. The angle and speed behind the punch. How ready the person was for the impact. Where they absorbed most of the impact.

But Hollywood wants you to think that if you just punch someone, square in the jaw that it equals instant sleeping person. Yeah, that is not the case. It usually ends with the punch victim getting mad and then punching back, which in turn starts a vicious cycle of punching that some historians dubbed “fighting”. That seems to make more sense to us than the one punch knockout, but Hollywood LOVES that shit.

We do understand this trope started in the early days of film, and for that era, it works. There was something sort of fitting with that image for those times, but why hasn’t it evolved? To this day, I am seeing the ‘good guy’ tap the ‘bad guy’ on the shoulder to turn around and then punch him out. I wish it was that easy. I would rob about A HUNDRED ARMORED TRUCKS! I meant to say, I wouldn’t use that skill, but I would be grateful I had it. Yeah, that’s it. That is what I meant.

Perpetrators: Indiana Jones. James Bond. Fast and the Furious. Die Hard. Commando.

Dead People Have Guts

I know when it comes to a zombie movie, you need to suspend all disbelief, but this one has always annoyed me. It does not annoy me that the dead walk or that they eat people. Actually, I find that kind of cool. It is the fact that often times when they got shot or cut or decapitated in these films, they often have blood and guts.

I think I left my cell phone over there, could you pass it to me?

Wait, aren’t there morticians who work at the morgue that take the organs out and pump out the blood out before the burial so that the gasses won’t all build up and cause the corpse to explode or some other awesome thing? I think I am right.

Someone in the comments will probably tell me otherwise, but I think I am right.

But time and time again in these INCREDIBLY SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE zombie movies, you see zombies with their intestines hanging out, dragging behind them. Or you see them get shot and there is a spray of blood.

Now I know, I am picking on something that is ONLY in zombie films, but it is in ALL zombie films, and there are a lot of zombie films, so I think it is fair game.

Perpetrators: Dawn of the Dead (both). Undead. Dance of the Dead. Day of the Dead. Any other movie that ends in: of the Dead.

  • Cody

    Most zombies in movies recently that I have seen are people that have been bitten or killed by zombies and then turned into one themselves. No time for embalming there, thus the blood and guts. I think the idea of having them all dig their way out of the grave has been left behind.
    Also when most people in movies throw their guns away, I think its because there’s someone shooting at them and its time to get the fuck out of there. Lot harder to run when you’re carrying a gun in your hand, even a small one. It’s not a video game where they might just find some more ammo laying around. If it’s a life or death situation, that gun is useless with no bullets, and I doubt anyone would be thinking about the $300 it cost them to buy it.

  • sam

    Did you see Predators? Adrien Brody got JACKED for that movie. It wasn’t like Adrien Brody from the pianist trying to survive during the holocaust, he was ripped. Granted he doesn’t look like the type of badass that would kill a predator, but he put on quite a bit of weight for predators.
    And with the whole guts thing, I’m pretty sure its implied the zombies wouldn’t be embalmed. I doubt there are any morticians open for business during a zombie apocalypse. I’ll give you the blossom, because I assume the zombies hearts stop this no blood, but their intestines would still be intact.

  • Passably Affable

    On the “Throwing away guns” thing. There’s a great example of the opposite of that in Uncommon Valor. Patrick Swayze’s character gathers up his weaponry before making a run for it to the chopper. I thought it was a great piece of the movie because it showed him as being a disciplined soldier.

  • Eric

    I like the throw away guns thing.
    Also, the bottle thing depends on what you’re drinkin I guess
    I’ve seen plenty of black folks smash bottles over people.
    It usually ends with a shatter and a hospital trip!!

  • Steve

    You forgot the action/martial arts movie cliche: When the hero is losing the final battle, he looks inside himself, get pumped, and levels up to win the game.

  • Covalent

    About the ‘throwing away guns’ thing, the Matrix is alright, since they didn’t even pay the guns, they just upload them or something. (Well I hope so, because I don’t see Neo going to a Wal-Mart to buy guns :P)

  • code

    The organs may still be there, but assuming all organs and biological functions stop working (yet somehow a zombie is able to move) the blood should settle at the lowest point of their body and begin decomp. Shooting them after any considerable amount of time wouldn’t produce a splatter of vibrant red blood. (We’ve all heard of rigor mortis, but there’s also livor mortis, etc.)
    But I agree with a good portion of this article.
    People HATE watching movies with me because I constantly point out all the things that make no sense. I still can enjoy movies, but I also get a laugh out of their ridiculousness. πŸ˜›

  • Remy Carreiro

    ^@ Code, Yeah, I am that guy, too. I watch most of this stuff alone or at least with my girlfriend who has learned how to ignore my incessant bantering throughout a flick, God bless her. Haha

  • Stefanos

    Um ok i agree with all except the honorable mention. I have kissed a girl under the rain once and almost happened again. I think it depends on where you live and how much you care about rain πŸ˜›

  • Chris

    Ok first off. I’ve never been back clawed to death but… I have been back “clawed” where they are holding onto your back. It’s usually at the climax.

    Second. If Arnold punches you in the face and you don’t go to sleep… You’re a tough son of a bitch. A guy of his size (a la Commando) Would have enough mass behind his fist to remove the better portion of your entire head… So I dunno if that one can fall into the one punch thing. And to be fair, one well placed punch will KO most people. What should happen is it should fail every once in a while. You get the suprise “honey I’m home” punch to the face without any defensive effort and the bugger shrugs it off and it’s a brawl… Better examples would be ANY ACTION MOVIE.. Because invariably someone always gets put to sleep either before being strapped into an interrogation chair (which they will end up breaking out of) or just after the bad guy tells them all his secret plans.

    Third. You owe me a small third world child. I have said it many times, and have had it said to me many times (erroneously of course because I always get it…)

    I’d also like to say.. This was an awesome article!!! I have talked about these stupid movie cliches for far too long amongst friends. It is so unbelievably common. “Oh here it comes.. The kiss.. Then the groping.. The the crashing into the walls taking clothes off.. Then the 3 minutes of hot steamy sex that leaves them both breathless and satisfied… Then she’ll smile and just leave without making you feel awkward… Just wait here it comes”

  • Edgar

    I think they throw away their guns as to not be weighed down by them. Or if you really ran out of bullets you wouldn’t have time to reload or find another way to defend yourself so use them as projectiles. I guess movies just don’t understand.

  • v

    One thing I don’t get about zombie movies is, that the Zs are starting to eat someone, but they never finish, they just bite a bit.

  • Bad Acid

    @v Some of the zombie stories do that better. Walking Dead showed a completely cannibalized corpse that wasn’t going anywhere, but if someone gets bit once, you assume they’re going to run like hell until they die/become undead, at which point they just sort of find a flock of other zombies to wander around with until something draws their attention like a campfire or a car horn, etc.

  • ShakesPony

    About the guns thing. in most movies there is a good reason why the hero can just throw away his gun. For example in almost every james bond movie after james bond can 1 hit knock out the nearest bad guy he takes his gun. he doesnt have to pay 300 dollars for it. Or the company the hero works for has unlimited resources to buy guns and the hero doesn’t need to worry about the money aspect

  • Remy Carreiro

    @ Chris, her name a Zutane, she is eleven and will be arriving by fed ex on Thursday. I hope they poke air holes in the box.
    @ V, REALLY good point. We must taste like shit.
    I really love how people on this thread are TOTALLY defending the throwing away gun thing. So that leads me to believe you know someone in real life who threw a gun away when it was out of ammo? Yeah, didn’t think so….

  • Andy

    Am I the only one that went to IMDB, hoping against all odds, that it said Adrian Brody weighed 26 lbs?

  • trashcanman

    Ummmm….if I wanted to watch real life, I wouldn’t bother with movies in the first place. I’d just look out my window. Not nearly as fun. I want zombie guts (also, note the first comment as it’s the first thing that popped into my head when I read that bit in your article) and epic one-liners and heroes who just don’t give a fuck how much their guns cost. I don’t watch movies about corpses eating people for practical realism, if you can believe it. Also, that Matrix comment you made where you destroyed your own argument and then insulted an imaginary person potentially using the entirely logical argument you just put forth yourself by calling him a virgin was jaw-droppingly dumb. Trollish, even. I think you’d be surprised to find out that there are actually a significant amount of other people who also have girlfriends and don’t have to shoehorn that fact into articles they write online. If you are insecure enough to beg online to be patted on the back for having had sex, I’m not sure the virgins are the saddest ones in the discussion. Be better at ripping off Cracked in the future, please.

  • Another good one: Gas has a shelf life of 3-4 months. People driving years after the Apocalypse? Impossible. Tankers carrying gas for a survivor convoy? Not going to do much good 3 months from now

  • Cody

    So you know someone who has been in a gun fight, ran out of ammo, and held onto their gun while they kept getting shot at? If someone was shooting at you while you were holding a suitcase would you drop that and run? Because an empty gun would be just as useful as that case while being shot at, and both are going to slow you down. The characters in movies that do this need to get to cover as quickly as possible, and they aren’t going to be stumbling on a goddamn hidden stash of ammo like you seem to imply.

  • Mike

    Have you had sex before?

  • Cartle

    Actually, the one punch is NOT what we see in cinema at all. We see countless action stars get into these long drawn out fist fights where the guys would have been out a LONG time ago.

    If you land a good, forceful punch, their brain rattles around inside your head. It sits on cerebral spinal fluid; It’s not attached to anything. If you get hit hard enough to snap your head, your brain will bounce around the inside of your skull, smacking into your meninges which surround the brain. A good swat can instantly knock you out. Tyson was famous for his instant punches.

    The average person can get knocked out extremely easily.

  • Remy Carreiro

    @trashcanman, Initially, I was going to agree about your point about suspended disbelief, which I thought you made quite well, but then you had to drop that last line and be patronizing, like SO many people feel the need to. To insult me is fine, it means little to me, but to imply as a writer I would steal an idea, is something a little more extreme, and something I think it is a little out of line. If I wanted to rip off Cracked, I would be writing for Cracked. It really is that simple. The sex line was an obvious joke, and to adress your other delicate inquiry: I obviously have never had sex with a woman and like to project that on to other people, as oppose to owning it. OR, could it be, just MAYBE, oh, I don’t know, I was writing something dumb to try to get a laugh? Nah, it can’t be that. Sarcasm has NO PLACE in an internet article. As a virgin, I apologize. @ Josh, very true, I have stoner friends who run out of gas once a week, never mind a nine hundred mile drive through the wasteland.@ Cody, yeah, it is called Paintball. NEVER have I seen anyone throw away a gun when out of ammo. To be honest, most people don’t even do it in video games. I was going to site the time my friends got in a gunfight, but I am not allowed to legally talk about that until the case is over. Sorry, I know so few people think rationally online when they respond to articles, but there you go. Paintball. Ah, perspective. Give it a second to sink in. @ Mike, with a woman or with a homeless man? Because I can answer yes to ONE of those. @ Cartle, awesome, man. I just made a chart of what you wrote and hung it up over my computer so I remember how easy it is to knock someone out. Man, you guys have been really helpful as a result of this piece. I love to learn, so Thank you!

  • Amy

    If you ever fall in with a bad guy and you’re about to die, remember that he will tell you everything about his secret plans before he tries to kill you.
    Also agree with @Cody (first poster) about both points.

  • Cody

    @ Remy
    Paintball is nothing like a real gun because first of all you using a gun that you will be refilling very soon after the round is over, and second of all you aren’t going to die… seems like a pretty big point. And just because your friend may have been in a gun fight does not mean he ran out of ammo or was in a position where he needed to get the fuck out of the way as fast as possible. When they do it in movies it’s because they’re completely out of ammunition. There’s no other clip, someone is pointing a gun at them and they have to get to cover. If they’re not in any danger they put the gun back in their holster or belt, whatever. Not something you think about when you have a gun firing at you. It all depends on the circumstances whether someone would drop their gun, and there are definitely circumstances where in the heat of the moment, you would not give two shits about that gun in your hand in favor of saving your own ass.
    Also, you need to chill out. You wrote an article that’s on a fairly popular website. Criticism is going to come and I really think you’re taking it too personally. Welcome to the internet.

  • Remy Carreiro

    @ Cole, good call, actually. I am kinda new to this ‘slings and arrows’ thing, but in all honesty, in a lot of the cases, its the points you guys make that get me to work harder and make me a better writer (hopefully,eventually) so I am actually quite grateful. I just need to learn to show it in a more gracious manner. Humbled, I tip my hat to you. I am even grateful you guys even take the time to read what I have to say, so I need to remember how grateful I am to be here and not react like an ass.
    *lesson learned.

    *level up + 5 dignity

  • Surly Canadian

    I can’t think of a single time in any Die Hard where John McClane So much as threw a punch at a bad guy, let alone knocking one out in a single hit.

    It may have happened once or twice, but that hardly makes die hard a bad offender.

  • Xanatos

    OK, let’s do this one by one

    1. All Sex is Good – as long as I’m getting some who cares. The most important thing to remember is that I had sex, so All sex really is good

    2. The Ease It Takes to Knock Someone Out – not so easy, tried it few times…in most cases it does take more than just one punch

    3. Dead People Have Guts – well, unless all the dead people came straight out of mortuary they should have guts

    4. You Just Don’t Get It, Do You – yeah, I never heard that line used by anyone…ever

    5. Breaking a Bottle Over Someone’s Head – not so easy either, but it also depends what kind of a bottle…and what kind of a head

    6. People get a Chance to Say Something Epic Right Before They Die – well, there are records of peoples epic last words, but in war most people die screaming

    7. Throwing Away Guns When You are Out of Ammo – now this one is a total and complete BS. You never throw your weapon, it doesn’t wight you down and you can hit some one with it. For the guys who never worked in the military or security have a big cup of STFU!

    8. Kissing in the rain – OK, who the hell kisses in the rain?! I can understand in the summer time at a party or some thing, but what I see in the movies is a total BS.

  • Remy Carreiro

    @ Xanatos, I liked how you made a tiny list to comment on each aspects of my list. I felt that was very meta, and it made me smile. If I could give points on this forum, you would have just gotten ten.

  • Eileen

    Wow! Awesome list Remy πŸ™‚ But you forgot to mention about people dancing in dance clubs/bars in movies. Being experienced as an extra in Hollywood, I noticed that the club scene I was in (the Pandora Experiment)…I was told to start dancing like I was having fun….but wait…WHERE THE HELL IS THE MUSIC?!?! You mean to tell me we have to dance to NO music?! Really??? I actually personally talked to the director about this one, and he told me that in most Hollywood films that you see, when people are dancing in a club or bar scene, that they are usually dancing to NOTHING LOL! I actually find it quite amusing. Go check out a movie and see if there is a dancing bar/club scene in the movie and scope out the people dancing in the background, and you will actually notice that they are all dancing to a different beat LOL Check it out, and remember what I said πŸ˜‰ Definitely Hollywood is as fake as a 3 dollar bill, but it still keeps us all reeled in everytime to watch πŸ˜‰ hehe Awesome article as always Rem πŸ˜‰ ^5

  • JessKitty

    No lie, my mother’s last coherant words were, “Don’t shove that up my butt!” They were trying to give her Tylenol, but because she was dying, they were giving it to her as a supository. I sat with her two days as she was dying, not a peep, then, she said that clear as day, stopped talking again and died the next day. And because, admit it, you’re curious, they did not give her the Tylenol. I respected her last wishes and told them to stop.

  • Cody

    Obviously someone like a cop, soldier, or security guard would never drop their gun. Some untrained everyman in the middle of being shot at might drop an empty gun in the heat of the moment to get to cover though. All I’m saying.

  • @Remy:
    No, gas cannot be used after about 3-4 months after refinement. At that point, cars can no longer run on it. So even if there was gas left, survivors could not use it

  • Remy Carreiro

    @ JessKitty, your comment pretty much just owned life.

  • JessKitty

    Josh, isn’t that why they invented gas stablizer, or does that only work for motorcycles, generators, and smaller engines? I swear I’ve seen cars with gas that’s older than a year start when they put stablizer in, but I could be wrong.

    Remy? Yeah, it was a sad time, but even I saw the ironic amusement of my mother’s famous last words being, “Don’t shove that up my butt!”

  • Someone actually made a supercut of “You just don’t get it, do you?” lines last year. (See link)

  • Xanatos

    To Remy Carreiro:

    Thanks, the best compliment I got all day.

    To Cody:

    OK, I can imagine average Joe surrounded and he runs out of bullets and he throws his gun thinking “What the hell am I gonna do now?” or because he thinks somebody would shoot him because they saw him with a gun, but in the middle of a gun fight!?

    Me personally, I would newer throw my gun. Like I said it’s better to hit someones face with a gun than it is with your hand (unless you’re a kung fu master, then it’s better to throw the gun)

    If you guys could give some examples or a good reason to throw it away (weight is not a good reason) I would be inclined to agree with you, but as it is my opinion remains unchanged.

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  • Wite Boy

    when ever a couple of my friends get into fights at a party they are always one hitter quiters. they will leave a few guys on the ground from one punch, going one guy to the next. you dont have to be a trained athlete(one was trained to be a pitcher though…) to knock someone out

  • Nickjaa

    yeah Adrien Brody was jacked as shit in Predators

  • Jack Stone

    Throwing guns away.=

    @ Xanatos ” For the guys who never worked in the military or security have a big cup of STFU!”

    You are an idiot. You have to look at the situations in their context.
    The Matrix movies. Quantum of Solace. Shoot β€˜Em Up. The Transporter. Sin City.

    Kinda like the monologe before execution ( which I agree with). When they are fighting for their lives, they don’t think about ” hey, lets save this empty, worthless gun for later so I can save some money”. a crow-bar is more valuable than an empty gun.

    – Matrix, most of the “shooting” takes place IN THE MATRIX, which isnt even the real, physical world, so you aren’t “throwing” anything away. I’m sure they have ample supply.
    – Quantum of Solace, HES A SPY…. government funded = endless supply of guns.
    -Shoot em Up/Transporter, yea kinda rediculous, but The transporter has a whole stash in his car. He probably has connections to more weapons due to the jobs he does.

    We could go on and on with Mission Impossible, ( which falls in to the same catagory as Quantum of Solace) and others.

  • Jack Stone

    @ Xanatos ” For the guys who never worked in the military or security have a big cup of STFU!”

    Also, I doubt people in the military or security(?) have experince with being in a computer world, fighting programs, or being a spy who runs around the world, or fighting aliens, zombies, etc.

    So, basically until you are in those situations, you can not say the value of an empty gun is the same as if it were loaded. Monetary value dose not mean a FUCK in a fight for survival.

    Also, you don’t have to be in the military, cop, security, spy, etc. to know what guns cost. Guns are probably less valuable to goverment workers than private owners since tax payers will just buy them more.

    ………………..just sayin