I’ve been avoiding seeing Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li like the plague for the fear that it will destroy my love to two things I hold dear: Kristin Kreuk and Street Fighter. Ever since the first screenshot leaked from the set, I’ve been convinced the project was a terrible idea, and now at long last, I’m finally bringing myself to find out.
Below will start a liveblog of my thoughts as I experience them while watching the film. I can only hope it’s slightly better than I’ve heard, and the next hour and a half won’t be a complete waste, but I’m not holding my breath. If this turns out to be enjoyable, I may do the same thing with Dragonball Evolution.
Also, I just watched Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, so this will probably the widest spectrum of quality I’ve ever seen in one day of movie watching. Except that one day I watched The Godfather and Rollerball. *shudder*
Alright, enough stalling. A-way we go!
1:00 – Wow, little Kristin Kreuk is 50,000 times more Asian than actual Kristin Kreuk.
2:12 – Nice, the title graphic is in Street Fighter IV font.
3:42 – So Chun-Li learned martial arts from training in her backyard with her dad? This isn’t exactly a Rocky IV montage.
4:20 – Medium age Kristen Kreuk actually looks somewhat like her now. Impressive. Who the hell casted the first girl?
5:00- Balrog is here to assassinate Chun-Li’s dad! With a crossbow! And now professional wrestling moves!
5:30 – You’ve come a long way from The Green Mile, Michael Clarke Duncan.
6:00 – Chun-Li’s dad just lit his OWN HAND ON FIRE to fight off the attackers.
7:05 – M. Bison is here, and has an accent that doesn’t exist in real life.
7:45 – Balrog KOs Chun Li’s mom. FINISH HER! Wait, wrong game.
8:10 – Chun Li goes to bed like her dad didn’t just get hauled away in a car. Now she’s having flashbacks to a magic necklace her father gave her.
9:00 – Hooray, now she’s old and is fully Kristin Kreuk! Well worth the price of admission. Which in this case was free…
9:37 – More piano playing, flashbacks to her childhood five minutes ago when she was way more Asian.
10:24 – She receives an ancient scroll from an anonymous source.
11:00 – Street hoodlums assault some random dude! Time to demo your kickass skills Chun Li.
11:31 – Uh, nevermind, she goes home to hang out with her sick mom. This is one supremely well edited movie.
12:38 – Now we’re at the “Shadalow” corporation. Bison has grown a goatee and his accent has grown slightly more Scottish.
14:01 – He’s taking over the corporation. The board disagrees. Bison has Vega go talk to them. They must be screaming in joy from how well the conversation’s going.
15:15 – It’s Moon Bloodgood and Chris Klein! I have no idea who they’re even supposed to be playing!
15:47 – Could Chris Klein do it? Could he possibly be in TWO of the worst movies ever made? (The first was Rollerball where I thought he was Keanu Reeves until the last ten minutes).
16:58 – Bison still has Chun Li’s dad locked up, five or ten years later. Not sure which. Don’t know why he’s there. He’s building something? Or finding information? Something like that. Hey he’s got a nice big computer monitor. He looks confused as to why his daughter no longer looks Asian.
19:01 – Chun Li is crying at her mom’s grave. God, I love you Kristin Kreuk, but whoever thought you had the acting ability to lead a film had a few too many hadoukens to the head if you ask me.
20:24 – Oh, the guy she saw get beat up earlier is Gen. We’re not supposed to know that yet, but it’s clearly him. She’s investigating this scroll and is told to go see Gen. Convenient since you just walked right by him.
21:38 – Wow, flashback to two seconds ago where she now realizes exactly what I just said.
22:19 – Oh my God, Chris Klein dwarfs everyone else with his terrible acting in this movie. Seriously, it’s sub-soap opera.
23:13 – In addition to starring, Kreuk is also narrating the entire movie for unknown reasons.
24:16 – Aw man, I just looked at the timer. This thing is an hour fifty? Ugh. I’ve got to spread out my commentary.
25:33 – Chun Li has moved to Bangkok and is now homeless for unknown reasons. Oh, because the scroll told her to.
“The prophecy says I shall become a bag lady!”
26:38 – Twenty minutes without a fight scene. Street Fighter FAIL.
28:24 – Chun Li is lusting over egg rolls. This is not the video game adaptation I had in mind.
29:20 – Some old dude is getting beat up. We may have our first Kreuk fight.
30:30 – And we do! Wow, it’s amazing the ridiculous flip kicks you learn training in your back yard with your dad.
32:34 – She passes out and Gen takes her to his less-than-secret hideout in Bangkok. Isn’t Gen supposed to be old? He explains that she should join the “Order of the Web” and fight corruption in the city. Now they’re having a practice fight complete with inappropriate sound effects.
“You will cleanse your spirit by taking your shirt off, I promise.”
35:26 – Gen Is making an energy ball. I wondered if the movie would have those. He just blew a hole in his wall with it. Poor planning.
36:29 – Who the hell keeps dressing Kristin Kreuk in all these baggy clothes? They should have been fired immediately.
38:01 – Five minutes of Bison buying slums and other such boring activities. Chris Klein yells some more lines. Moon Bloongood continues to wonder what she’s doing in this movie.
39:19 – Bison is…kicking everyone out of the city he just bought? Who’s going to pay rent?
40:19 – Oh, his grand scheme is to build nicer houses there. Wow, quite the evil mastermind.
40:54 – I don’t know how Moon Bloodgood made it through this movie without strangling Chris Klein. Oh he just started making out with her to make their stakeout look nonchalant. She looks way too into it to be upset about it after.
42:23 – More Chun Li training with Gen. She’s blindfolded and wearing a tank top. Good start.
43:45 – Training involves throwing balls at gongs and having her catch them while avoiding buzzsaws while she’s blindfolded.
44:02 – Moon Bloodgood in a bra! Highlight of the movie so far. If only Chris Klein wasn’t around to ruin it.
46:05 – Club scene. Not sure why. But Kristin Kreuk has her hair in the closest to Chun Li buns that we’re going to get. I think this is the infamous “fight scene while wearing a blue bag scene” we saw in the first stills from the movie.
47:03 – Or it’s just a dance-off. Chun Li is strutting her stuff in front of the evil Bison girl while Ludacris plays in the background.
Congrats, you’re the third hottest half asian actress in this movie.
48:42 – Bathroom cat fight! This should be way hotter than it actually is.
50:07 – Wait, I just heard “Street Fighter” in the rap song in t he background. Just in time for a strip club brawl.
50:30 – Wow, Chun Li just did her upside down spin kick move from the game. A nice homage, but that absolutely does NOT translate well into real life.
51:50 – Bison just used the girl Chun Li just fought as a punching bag. And I don’t mean that as a metaphor. Like she’s literally strung up in his gym.
54:50 – Oh we’re learning Bison’s backstory now. His accent is supposed to be Irish we’re told. Bad Bison, stealing fish from poor people!
56:34 – Um, Bison just took his pregnant wife to a cave and ripped the baby out of her. Yes, you read that right.
59:01 – Balrog’s plan to kill Gen is just to shoot a rocket into his house. I like a guy who doesn’t **** around. Did that seriously kill Gen? I doubt it.
He was my favorite character in the first game. And Cammy.
60:15 – They keep referring to Chun Li as a “schoolgirl.” They clearly don’t know who Sakura is.
61:23 – Vega is stalking Chun Li. Forgot about him. He really is cheating with that claw and metal mask. I was always surprised the other fighters didn’t complain.
63:01 – Instead of killing him, she hangs him over the site of wall by his feet. Brilliant.
65:03 – Bison captures Chun Li with ease. Everyone in this damn movie pauses for two seconds in between every other word.
67:07 – “Sometimes you have to stand up, when standing isn’t easy.” – Chun Li. Words to live by.
68:56 – Wow, Bison just snapped Chun Li’s dad’s neck right in front of her. That seems way too hardcore for this movie. Oh wait, this is the guy who ripped his own kid out of his wife’s stomach ten minutes ago.
70:03 – All the main bad guys leave the room and tell the henchmen to kill Chun Li. Well, I’m sure they’re perfectly qualifie….OH NO CHUN LI ESCAPES!
71:36 – Best scene of the film thus far. A little kid runs across as Balrog shoots at Chun Li, kid appears to be hit. Woman sitting nearby, stands up. Pauses. Throws pineapple at Balrog. Commence townwide food fight. I thought all these people were starving?
73:34 – Gen is alive. Surprise, surprise. He heals Chun Li’s arm cut with MAGIC.
75:34 – Chun Li shows up at Chris Klein’s apartment even though she has no idea who he is and has never seen him before. But she needs his help! Why the hell is Chris Klein working in a Bangkok police station anyways? Is he really supposed to look Asian?
“We’ve GOT to GET to the BOTTOM of this CASE!” A typical Chris Klein line from the film (emphasis his).
85:23 – Siege on Bison’s boat! It’s like the last level in Grand Theft Auto IV but way less cool! Apparently he’s trafficking prostitutes? Is that part B of his evil plan that still really hasn’t been explained?
86:34 – Balrog vs. Gen. The only thing that’s missing is the life bars. Gen skewers Balrog with a searing hot pipe. That’s rather unlike the game.
88:45 – Oh nevermind, the girl I thought was a prostitute is Bison’s daughter who possesses his soul that he gave her when he ripped her out of her mom in the cave. Some plot devices are only OK when they’re in video games.
90:03 – Now Bison’s speaking…Russian? He needs to get his heritage straight.
91:53 – I just learned I’m watching the “Unrated edition” where people are allowed to get shot in the head.
92:32 – Gen vs. Bison. Even the fighting in this movie is pretty awful. This is especially not good when your movie is based around a fighting video game called “Street Fighter.”
95:34 – Chun Li vs. Bison. The most blatant wire work I’ve seen since Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but way, way worse.
96:32 – Chun Li going for the hadouken finishing move! She knocks him off the building which could have just as easily been accomplished with a kick. Then she jumps of the building and breaks his neck with her feet. Yup, that just happened.
97:34 – Please break Chris Klein’s neck also before you leave. Oh, he works for INTERPOL, that answers my previous question.
99:24 – Chun Li lays her magic necklace at her mother’s (and now father’s) grave. Gen shows up and they don’t make out because he’s sort of old and it would be creepy. He gives her a newspaper clipping about a “Street Fighter” tournament featuring “Ryu something.” Sequel! But God, let’s hope not. Did they really think anyone would like this movie enough to be asking for another one? Good lord.
Your shovel is no match for me!
Verdict: So yes, that was every bit as bad as it was hyped up to be, but it’s sort of less fun if you know that going in. My favorite awful movie of all time, The Happening, I thought was going to be good, and it turned out to be a disgrace to horror, movies and just acting and writing in general. Street Fighter looked awful, and was awful. It’s like saying that White Chicks was stupid. It’s just redundant.
Kristin Kreuk is not a leading lady, as much as I wish that were the case, Bison needed to pick an accent and stay with it, the fight scene choreographer should be beaten with a bamboo stick, and Chris Klein’s next film should be shot on the moon where no one has to see him act. And it’s a damn shame the only person who resembeled their character in this whole movie was Vega.
It may be the worst video game adaptation ever, but I don’t want to see Bloodrayne or Alone in the Dark to find out. I don’t ever want to see Street Fighter: The Bonding of Ryu and Ken after this fiasco, and I think I am unanimous in that.