Imagine if you will a world where Paramount Pictures executives – realizing they had the ultimate cash cow languishing in the barn – decided Star Trek was due for a reboot … but instead of hiring Hollywood wunderkind and Spielberg wannabe JJ Abrams the suit decided to go another way? What if they had grown tired of Trek being dismissed by the critical elite? What if they brought in Quentin Tarantino to spruce it up a bit?
Can you imagine the story?
Just for the sake of imagination, I’m going to say it would all look a little something likethis …
Meet Pavel Chekov: Oleg Taktarov
The talented Russkie with the Davey Jones haircut would have to get buffed up more than just a bit. Tarantino’s script would have Pavel having to murder the bulk of his graduating class in order to graduate as valedictorian; come to terms with a speaking deficiency; and earn a slot on the Enterprise’s crew. Taktarov’s background in mixed martial arts competitions would be put to great use.
Meet Hikaru Sulu: Jet Li
Taking a cue from the Original Series, Tarantino would have Sulu appear shirtless throughout the entire picture, especially when logic most dictated he shouldn’t, like during spacewalks and such. An expert in hand-to-hand combat, Sulu’s first scene has him ripping the throat and spine from a Starfleet security officer who condescendingly calls him “Tiny.”
Meet Uhura: Sanaa Lathan
Lathan is the only reason to sit through the first Aliens Vs. Predator flick, which is precisely why Tarantino wants her aboard his Enterprise. (Pun intended.) In his script, he’s staged an elaborate fight sequence where – trapped in sickbay – she faces off a whole pack of misogynist space truckers while wearing only a bra and panties, preferably red. Uhura’s nickname: Black Widow. She mates, then she kills, so that whole Spock/Uhura crap is dropped for good measure (unless there’s a sequel).
Meet Montgomery Scott: Vinnie Jones
Foul-mouthed and ill-tempered, this Scotsman’s warp coils “go up to eleven.” Entirely discarding established canon, Tarantino’s script casts Scotty as a tortured loner deeply indebted to the ‘Ferengi Yakuza,’ and he only finds solace in the company of his engines. He’s on the run for genocide (in the QT Universe, Betazed is no more), but he’s never seen on-camera out of his kilt.
Meet Dr. Leonard McCoy: Mel Gibson
Quentin’s got a soft spot for Mel (who doesn’t?), so he believes the Aussie can make a huge comeback as part of this new, bloody take on Trek. This Dr. McCoy is a borderline psychopath, hired by Starfleet Medical specifically to send out as a field medic into hostile territory, war zones, or anywhere else with a low probability of survival. Plus, he’s not against smacking Nurse Chapel with a ‘fresh one’ every now and then.
Meet Mr. Spock: Eli Roth
A Vulcan/Human hybrid, Tarantino’s Spock hides a secret past smuggling Tribbles for torture and other sport onto the Klingon homeworld. Snubbed by an effete father, Spock struggles as much with his repressed emotions as he does his closely guarded sexuality. (Hints of ‘Brokeback Starship’?) The script sees him engaging in heavy psychosexual banter with his captain, Dr. McCoy, and the Enterprise computer (voiced by Scarlett Johansson though now sounding more like a drunk and inconsolable Siri).
Meet Captain Kirk: Christoph Walz
These days, nothing says ‘Go-To-Guy’ for Quentin like the name Christoph Walz, so his Star Trek would be no different. The script opens with a young Kirk caning innocent Bajorans for the death of his mother. This quickly segues to a jail cell, where Federation legend Capt. Christopher Pike (Samuel L. Jackson, in a brief cameo) rescues the boy (still played by Walz but WETA-rendered like a Hobbit or those dwarves) for a life in Starfleet. Forever plagued by the taunts of his jailor, Kirk can’t help but speak in a weird cadence stressing the exaggerated importance of single syllable words.
(Producer’s note: this time around, the Starship Enterprise will be played by the vastly more powerful and militant Starship Yamato from Star Blazers. And no replicators! Replicators are for nerdy douchebags!)