Five Movies That Make Me Not Want to Have a Daughter

I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but in browsing my Netflix recommendations the past week or two, I’ve managed to watch some truly scary films focused on one particular type of terror: Parenthood.

Specifically, being the parent of a teenage daughter. Having a kid is a big responsibility, but these five films have now made me scared to have a daughter in particular. As I was never a teenage girl, I never really understood all they went (or at least could) go through, and now I’m freaking terrified for my theoretical daughter. Yes, movies exaggerate, but these five films have made my hair turn grey already. Check out the list below:


Yes, I did initially start watching this film as a joke. I thought the ABC Family production would be something to laugh at while slightly buzzed, but it really killed the mood soon after it started.

Girls are MEAN, man. Like, really mean. I don’t understand it. Poor Taylor (Emily Osment, Haley Joel’s sister) gets torn apart by her classmates after setting up a “Cliquester” page (a more scandalous Facebook, so…MySpace). It starts off with snide comments then escalates when someone makes a fake profile pretending to be a cute boy at another school. Taylor almost kills herself because of it, and she makes out better than the real girl who inspired this story, who actually committed suicide because of online bullying.

Verdict: I’m never letting my daughter on Facebook.


We’ll stick around in the cyber realm and go one step past bullying. Even if “chat rooms” aren’t specifically a thing anymore, there are plenty of ways young girls can be tricked online. Sometimes they’ll meet a guy they think is their age, and when they show up, it’s an old pedo glad he’s not staring at Chris Hansen.

As this movie starred Clive Owen, I figured it would be a badass tale of revenge when his daughter gets accosted by a stranger. Instead, it’s very, very sad and not a film you’d expect to be directed by Ross from Friends.

Verdict: Actually, no computer for my daughter at all.


This is the original “teens gone wild” movie and no, it has nothing to do with Spring Break. Rather, it’s a stark look at what life is like for some thirteen year old girls when culture pushes them into being “sexy” too early, and a troubled home life can lead them to any number of bad decisions.

Everyone assumes that if you’re a pretty, young, white teenager, everything is just peachy with you, but Thirteen shows that there’s a dark side to every life, no matter which demographic you fall into.

Verdict: No tank tops until she’s married.


And to think I questioned why my girlfriend’s father was hesitant about me taking her to Paris on vacation. Granted I wouldn’t invite any strange boys to the place we were staying like what happened in Taken, but I can understand the fear of sending your daughter to a foreign place without you.

And sadly, very few of us are actually as badass as Liam Neeson, so if our daughters were kidnapped by sex slavers, we probably could NOT murder 60 Russians to get them back. Neeson used to seem goofy in the movie for having his daughter call him every hour, but now that I’m getting older, I’d make it 20 minutes.

Verdict: Travel to Europe only allowed if escorted by Liam Neeson himself.


Sigh. Yes, we’ve arrived. Though I’m selecting Twilight for this final spot for reasons vastly different than the others. No, I’m not picking it because I’m worried my daughter is going to be caught in the violent love triangle of a werewolf and a vampire, and then turn into a vampire herself and have a baby via vampire cesarean that ages supernaturally fast (yes, this all happens).

No, I’m scared to have a daughter because I’ve seen the way teenage girls react to this series and it scares me. To paraphrase Steven King, “Harry Potter is all about loyalty, bravery and friendship. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

Things reach an insanity peak when in the second film, Edward breaks it off with Bella and she resorts to purposefully having near-death experiences just so she can hallucinate a ghostly vision of him. If that’s not the worst message in the world for a teenage girl, I’m not sure what is, and for that reason Twilight is the most dangerous out of any of these.