Now see here, kids:
Right outta the gate, I’m warning you that there will be no Transformers on my list! (“It’s a car! It’s a robot! What is it?!”) I prefer vehicles that have an ‘identity,’ and they know it. For those of you whippersnappers who still don’t get it, I’m talking about wheels. If it’s on my list, then it has wheels – like those on the bus that go round ‘n round? – and, from what I’ve been told, chicks dig the ride.
And, no, K.I.T.T. isn’t here, either. I’m not talking about cars with that kind of identity. I’m not gonna sit behind the wheel going 88 mph having some sentient computer chip telling me to hang a left. I already know how to drive. I could care less “What Would K.I.T.T. Do?”
When I hit the streets, I want to feel the rubber on the road.
These are my ‘rides’ of choice, the top 4 in each class.
The Best SUVs
4. The Big Bus
In 1976 – when the disaster flick franchise, Airport!, was all the rage – Paramount Pictures spoofed it with The Big Bus. The film featured the world’s first nuclear-powered transcontinental bus, complete with a swimming pool and bowling alley. When I’m traveling long distances on the road, I’d wanna travel in style, so this would be my ticket to first class.
3. Ark II
For shorter trips – overnighters and such – I’d prefer the Ark II. This high-tech RV was featured in the 1970’s kid show (of the same name). Designed for use after the Apocalypse, it was basically a science-lab-on-wheels, and I can think of a few experiments on my own to keep myself occupied while away from home.
2. Battlestar Galactica LandRam
For planetary missions, the original BSG had the LandRam, an armored ground transport perfect for rugged trips to the mall or shuttling the rugrats back-and-forth from soccer practice. Some despot cut you off in traffic? Pop open the sun roof and light him up with the manually-operated laser turret topside. Cup holders optional.
1. Aliens APC
Nothing says ‘the calvary’s arrived’ better than the APC (Armored Personnel Carrier) featured in Aliens. Squat but sleek (in a killing way), this mobile assault vehicle is perfect for taking your mother-in-law for her annual colonoscopy. It’s low suspension makes this the perfect mode of transportation for plowing your own parking space. Some despot cut you off in traffic? Run him over.
4. Tron: Legacy Light Runner
This two-seater featured in Tron: Legacy is the perfect li’l number for taking your sweetie out for a ride through the park to dry her hair. Dark, sleek, and romantic, you won’t be afraid to show her off thanks to the state-of-the-art transparent canopy. Lay mines, or launch a missile out the front. She wants a castle? With this ride, you can at least give her walls.
3. Gator’s Car
If you’d rather scare the ladies away, then take a look at Gator’s Car driven by Frankenstein in the original Deathrace 2000. What started out as a Shala-Vette has been modified to sport eyes, teeth, and scales. Pedestrians got you down? Well, now you can have them down! Earn points and the respect of other competing motorists. Dental plan optional.
2. The Spinner
Show off your muscle by taking the wheel in the Spinner, featured in Ridley Scott’s seminal Blade Runner. This cop car comes with all the amenities needed to enforce the law. Plus it flies! Blinking lights, blaring sirens, all computerized interiors, plus it flies! Did I mention it flies? (FYI: this one is on display at Seattle’s Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. Check it ‘fore ya wreck it.)
1. The Delorean DMC-12
Of course, it’s the predictable choice, but has there been a cooler ride than Back to the Future’s time-traveling Delorean? Its stainless steel construction makes this perfect for a ride around the block or traveling through time. Remote control, bucket seats, and Flux capacitor are all optional. Take it out and amaze your friends! Twice! (Time travel puns not included.)