As a child of the 80s, I’ve hung on to the cheesy, simple, yet incredibly uplifting movies of my childhood. Something tells me that a lot of our readers can relate. The 1980s didn’t see the technology boom that seemed to really manifest in the 90s, and our knowledge of computers and programming was still in its infancy. Still, that didn’t prevent 1980s movies and TV shows from featuring all sorts of cool toys and gadgets, many of which I would have killed to get my hands on.
My intentions back then – were I to ever actually acquire said toys and gadgets – were for the most part innocent, and only now as I have grown jaded and cynical do I view these items as tools of power and destruction. Regardless of my intent, the 1980s gave us some killer cravings. There are seven that really stick out in my mind, and I’ve listed them after the jump. If there are any toys or gadgets from 80s movies or television that you think I left off, let me know in the comments section.
Pee-wee Herman’s Bicycle
When I was a kid, Pee-wee Herman was the coolest guy in the world and pretty much everything I ever wanted to be. Fortunately, my tatstes changed quite a bit as I got older and I haven’t been caught wearing a grey tuxedo and masturbating in an adult theater (yet). One aspect of Pee-wee’s Big Adventure that I still long for, though, is his incredible bicycle. It’s no wonder that Pee-wee traveled across the country in search of his stolen bike, as the thing made regular bikes seem like mere stone wheels. Pee-wee’s bicycle was fit for James Bond, complete with limitless chain storage and jet propulsion.
I think that at some point, every kid dreams of having an awesome bicycle, and no bike was better than Pee-wee’s.
Paulie’s Robot from Rocky IV
There’s a lot of weird human-on-robot lust to be considered, but Paulie’s robot from Rocky IV would be a dream come true. Never again would you have to leave the couch to grab something to drink or a snack, but more importantly, the robot would never complain about its role as an electronic slave. Paulie changed the robot’s voice from a harsh, buzzing tone to the soothing tone of a woman’s, which leads me to believe that one could program the robot to sound however he or she desires. Would you like your robot to sound like Penelope Cruz? How about Sam Jackson? Regardless, having a compliant servant is tough to beat.
The Train Set in Silver Spoons
I didn’t know one kid who didn’t want this oversized train set at some point. There’s really not much to it aside from the fact that you can, you know, ride on the friggin’ thing, but when you’re a kid, sometimes the simplest joys are the greatest. When I was very young, I had a friend who actually had a secret tunnel from his living room into his bedroom, and I thought that was the coolest thing I had ever seen. I probably would have had a stroke if he had laid down some train tracks on it.
Ferris Bueller’s Computer
(Wow, Ferris has excellent taste in websites.) Computers can do just about anything now, and it’s only a matter of time before one passes the Turing test. But in 1986, computers were big, clunky machines that took forever to do anything, and God forbid you even owned a modem. Ferris’ computer, though, was years ahead of its time.
In addition to simulating the sounds of snoring and coughing so as to trick your parents when you’re off driving around in your friend’s dad’s Ferrari, Ferris’ computer could change the number of days you’ve been absent at school. Knowing what I know now and having that type of machine in 1986, I’d be either filthy rich or locked up in federal prison.
The Piano in Big
Apparently the giant piano from Big is an actual, purchasable toy, but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever met anyone who’s actually owned one. The Big piano is probably more of a novelty than a toy you’re actually going to play very often, as anything more than a simple tune would probably get tiring pretty fast. Maybe it’d be a great way to get in shape, but playing Beethoven could result in a heart attack. I imagine I’d spend most of my time getting a running start and then sliding across the keys before messign around for a few minutes and then growing frustrated. It’s not the most practical item on this list, but dammit, I just want one, OK?
Hoverboards in Back to the Future II
Really, it’s tough to think of more insane rumors than the ones that surfaced sometime around 1989. Specifically, the rumors that hoverboards actually existed. As laughable as that seems, many kids were convinced that they could somehow own a floating skateboard, which would easily qualify as the coolest toy if it were actually real. Unlike a skateboard, you’d be able to ride your hoverboard virtually anywhere (except, as we all know, on water), and a 12-year-old with a “Pitbull” model would be like the cool kid in high school with the motorcycle. So is Mattel ever going to make one of these things or what?
Lisa in Weird Science
I saved the best for last, as Lisa is pretty easily the most desirable “toy” on this entire list. A woman who looks like Kelly LeBrock and is able to manipulate time, weather, memories, and matter itself? I’ll take two.