Battle Royale: Movie Assassins Square Off

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What prompted me to mix it up by going into the movie realm for this week’s Battle Royale? It’s probably something to do with the fact I played a bunch of Assassin’s Creed and watched Smokin’ Aces this weekend. Whatever the case, I wanted to see what it was like if movie assassins faced off against each other, kind of like what ended up going down in Aces. These battles are one on one however, and I’ve tried to match each assassin with a (somewhat) similar opponent. But really, who was going up against the Terminator?

Round 1: El Mariachi (Desperado) vs. Ah Jong (The Killer)

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Both are extreme takes on the classic quick draw of the old west, but I think El Mariachi has a little more style. But will style help stop a bullet in the head? Not a chance. Both also have a very good propensity of avoiding getting shot, so I feel this would be a very drawn out firefight where they’d both run out of ammo at some point and just have to start hurling empty shell casings at each other. But if it did come down to hand to hand? I think Ah Jong has the upper leg and Mariachi would be down for the count.

Winner: Ah Jong

Round 2: John and Jane Smith (Mr. and Mrs. Smith) vs. Ray and Ken (In Bruges)

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Assassins in pairs always make for humorous conversation, but it also seems to involve both of them being really bad assassins. The boys from In Bruges aren’t exactly the masters of subtlety, but that’s an understatement to watching the Smiths blow up their own damn house. I think the In Bruges crew would take it in the end however, as the two hotties would eventually succumb to each other’s hotness (just like they did in real life! zing!) allowing a window which would lead to their doom.

Winner: Ray and Ken

Round 3: Vincent (Collateral) vs. Jason Bourne (Bourne Trilogy)

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Vincent may have skills and an A-list face just like Bourne, but in a head to head he’d get steamrolled. I mean come on, even Jamie Foxx outsmarted the guy eventually. Bourne on the other hand is a machine built to end lives, and he’s already taken out way more effective assassins than Vincent, who would just be a blip on his radar. Hopefully he can avoid making that goofy-ass face when he snipes him though (see top picture).

Winner: Bourne

Round 4: The Jackal (The Jackal) vs. Harlen McGuire (Road to Perdition)

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There’s not particular rhyme or reason to the matchup here. Both assassins are pretty gimmicky, and really not all that good at their jobs when it comes down to it. maybe it’s McGuire’s absurdly long pre-and post-setup for kills or the Jackal’s propensity to craft an unnecessarily complicated remote control guided auto-turret when a sniper rifle probably would have been just fine. I think McGuire takes it because at least he’s the more practical of the two.

Winner: Harlen

Round 5: T-1000 (Terminator 2) vs. O-Ren Ishii (Kill Bill)

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Sure maybe Arnold was the original assassin from the future, but the one chasing him in the sequel was much, much cooler. Him squaring off against a Hattori Hanzo would be a feat to watch, and if need be, we know O-Ren knows how to handle a gun as well. But try as she might, O-Ren would be no match for the liquid metal spikiness of the T-1000. If he traveled back and time to kill her, would it save the lives of her 88 other henchmen who died protecting her later?

Winner: T-1000

Round 6: Agent 47 (Hitman) vs. Wesley Gibson (Wanted)

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I was tempted to use Fox here but she’s made so many of our damn lists already, it’s about time to give her a rest. Being inspired by a graphic novel is pretty close to being inspired by a video game, except Wanted was way, way better. Agent 47 is skilled, but he could probably even be bested by the Transporter, not to mention Wesley, who can curve bullets and throw exploding rats at you. What the hell do you do about that?

Winner: Wesley

Round 7: Leon (The Professional) vs. Anton Chigurh (No Country for Old Men)

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The ultimate battle of the good assassin vs. the evil assassin. Well I guess good is a relative term, but mentoring young Natalie Portman is a pretty good deed in anyone’s eyes, even if you are training her to kill people, but ultimately I think evil would prevail. Anton is much more resilient than Leon, judging by the fact that he’s actually alive at the end of his movie. Also, he uses a silenced shotgun which is infinitely cooler than a silenced pistol. If he stuck with just the air tank though he’d probably lose.

Winner: Anton

Round 8: Darwin, Jeeves and Lestor Tremor (Smokin’ Aces) vs. Connor and Murphy McManus (The Boondock Saints)

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Both are bumbling teams of wannabe hitmen that usually go in guns blazing without really thinking about the actual plan too hard. Sure their motives are completely different, righteous killing vs. bloody mayhem, but that doesn’t really factor into who would drop who. The brothers McManus take this final round because the brothers Tremor are dumb enough to bring a chainsaw to a gunfight, and then be killed by it. Skinheads really never were ones for smarts.

Winner: The Boondock Saints

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16 Comments

  1. Gonna have to disagree with you on Leon vs. Anton. Leon would off the sluggish psychopath in minutes. Silenced shotgun or airgun wouldn’t match up against Leon’s arsenal of weapons, especially since Leon would probably just snipe him from a far off distance. Your argument that Anton actually lives doesn’t hold up either; Leon went up against an army of New York’s finest, he took dozens of them out before meeting his demise and he kills a dozen more throughout the movie doing his normal routine. Anton goes up against a dozen hillbilly cops from Texas. Leon would go far in this Royale; some of the other wankers in these faceoffs are real pussballs, i.e. Wesley Gibson? What a doucher! Throw in La Femme Nikita.

  2. You made a great idea with this list but added a non-human which makes it all too ridiculous and stupid.

    Stick with human beings, no Alien or Robot assassins !!!

  3. The movie really sucked (actually i haven’t seen it but i’m sure it really does), but when it comes to human assassins (as opposed to say the T-1000) that have no superhuman powers (as opposed to that Wanted guy), then it is my belief that nobody can take on 47. No one. Bourne would have a chance though. But the thing is, with 47, you’de be dead before you even know he was coming for you. But Bourne has enough of a sixth sense to sense him coming. Everybody else on this list is an amateur in comparison to those two, though. They would both work their way through this list without breaking a sweat. Well again, not counting the non-human or superhuman ones. Otherwise, the T-1000 would probably kill everyone unless it was standing close to molten lava.

    I can’t believe i just wrote that by the way, I am ashamed at the geekiness.

  4. How can Wesley beat 47? 47 would defeat them all, at least the game version would.

    Except maybe the T-1000.

    In fact seeing this list made me realise how much more of a professional 47 is compared to his fellow assasins.

  5. Marty Blank vs. Vincent would have been a much better matchup, leaving Bourne to go up against the Jackal. Whose matchup, I might add, was a total crock because the Jackal could easily steamroll Harlan before he even knew he was in a fight. As for Blank v. Vincent, they’re both affable and badass but Blank would probably win fairly easily as Vincent doesn’t seem to do too well when the other guy is shooting back.

    Jackal vs. Bourne would be an utterly epic cat-and-mouse showdown–the master of disguise and misdirection against the master of laying low and disappearing into the crowd. I think it would be a draw, too–one of them would retire of die of old age before they managed to actually find each other.

  6. All reasonable assessments. EXCEPT–

    No freaking way would Chigurh take out Leon. Leon takes out an entire roomful of uzi-wielding professional bodyguards, and Anton is never seen going up against more than one person at once. And even then, they’re all unarmed innocent bystanders.

    Leon any day of the freaking week, and twice on Sunday. Now Anton vs. Norman Stansfield? There’s your Battle Royale.

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