Seven Reasons Why I Will Survive the (Next) Apocalypse

4) I don’t have any dietary hang-ups

You know who I’ll be calling first when 90% of the earth’s surface is covered with water? Not my vegan friends. Sometimes my survival group will have to take nutrients where we can get them, after all, and the day a group member utters the words “gluten-free” is the day that person gets barbecued over a spit.

5)  I’m not a husband or father*

Let’s face it: kids aren’t great at running away from things that are trying to devour, incinerate, or crush them. And the problem with the end of the world is, whatever world is left probably isn’t a good one to raise kids in. In short, family = liability, and this is proven time and again in the zombie genre alone (e.g., “Where’s Carl…??”). Case in point:


See that guy getting shot to death in the beginning? The one with his (undead) baby in hand? Dead wife in the background? Yeah, my odds of escaping a zombie horde are way better than his ever were.

*Sorry, ladies, that wasn’t an invitation. There’s an apocalypse to consider here, after all.

6)  I like tower-defense strategy games

Every now and then I’ll hear someone joke that they’d be great at the apocalypse because they’re great at first-person shooters. But that, of course, is retarded. Those sorts of people wouldn’t last one round of Birdshot Hide-and-Seek back on my farm, let alone one month in a mutant-ridden Nevada.

I don’t play videogames super often, but when I do, it’s tower-defense all the way. Strategic erections have been keeping women out of my bed for years, and I suspect the same will go for mutant spiders that try to breach my junkyard fortress.

7) I don’t need technology

I think mine is the very last generation that will remember what it was like to not have a cell phone. Don’t get me wrong–I’m straight-up addicted to my smartphone today–but when an alien virus takes over the world’s power grids, I’ll still know how to escape their torture drones without Google Maps. Meanwhile, half of America will still be asking themselves why Justin Bieber’s twitter feed is down. So long, suckas.


  • Luke

    10.5 shoe size FTW!

    Also, as a writer, you have to survive to chronicle The End for the alien archaeologists.

  • cristo oliver

    “2 reasons Why I Will Survive the (Next) Apocalypse”

    1-im a huge fucking nerd
    2-i grew up on fucking mexico my friend , so your argument is invalid because i know how to handle heavier shit than you.

  • Rorschach

    Your dream reminds me of Watchmen. That’s not good.

    I urge you to read about dream interpretation. Dreams aren’t meaningless and your subconscious may be warning you.

  • Steve2

    10 or 10.5 is the average size. Meaning the most popular. Meaning you’re going to have the HARDEST time finding them after the apocalypse. Because everyone will be taking them. Just one more thing for you to have to fight over lol.

  • Shadowyugi

    Just a few reasons why I’ll survive…

    I’m african
    Non-reliant on power or technology
    And Zombie Smarts (if anyone gets bitten, they get left)

  • Lucy

    Haha, that’s brilliant