While I’m sure the last third of this sentence is no surprise to Unreality regulars, I’m currently a single dude. Which is fine, but probably not the best for my health; someone has to put me and my life decisions on a leash if I expect to make it past the age of 35, and that role has traditionally been filled by (remarkably patient) girlfriends. Anyway, there’s a very specific reason for my present-day singlehood, and it’s this:
All of my ex-girlfriends sucked at Christmas-ing.
Let me explain. I imagine that dating me is something like dating a tall, hyperactive six-year-old who paradoxically shaves and possesses a college degree. I also don’t demand much from my romantic partners, and the list of what it takes to keep me happy in a relationship is pretty short. But one of the things on that list is receiving a kickass Christmas gift from said partner every year, and every single one of my ex-girlfriends failed miserably in this regard. Granted, I can be a little picky when it comes to compiling my wishlists, and I have exceptional taste when it comes to presents that would make me feel a bit manlier than…well, a tall, hyperactive six-year-old. But still.
Is it dickish to break up with someone the day after Christmas? Maybe a little, but 364 days out of the year I’m not a material-centric guy. I swear. One thoughtful, manly gift per year from my girlfriend. Not much to ask for. But since I love being judged by strangers on the internet, here’s part of this year’s wishlist for you to peruse. Spoiler alert: not a single damned one of these awesome things was under the tree on Tuesday morning.
[Note: Have a nice life, Candace. You can keep my Power Rangers sweatshirt if you want.]
Jetlev-Flyer Jetpack – $105,675
“Freedom, exhilaration, adventure: The dream of personal flight is as old as mankind. In the 21st century the daring vision of Daedalus has finally come true.”
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Spontaneous human flight has been an unattainable goal of mine for years, but then so has swimming gracefully like a friggin’ dolphin. By 0:16 in this video, I was sold. I mean sure, I knew the price tag might make this one a bit of a stretch, but believe me when I say this machine could make this man inconceivably happy for the rest of his natural life.
Seabreacher X Shark Boat – $65,000+
“The Seabreacher X can sustain high-speed dives and then breach the surface, launching the entire vessel clear out of the water. The new fully vectored thrust system mimics the tail articulation of real aquatic animals like sharks and dolphins. The custom-tuned exhaust system also gives the vessel a more throaty growl as it tears across the surface.”
There we go, something more affordable. I’m not generally one for watersports, but I’ve been into tiger shark roleplaying for years. So there’s that. Plus with the Seabreacher X, I’d finally get to reenact my favorite scene from Planet Earth; I think this is the closest I could ever get to actually becoming a shark without making a few awkward requests the next time I’m at the dentist.
Snolo Stealth-X Sled – $2,999
“Experience the latest innovation in snow sports. Snolo is taking sledding to a new level in styling, performance and manoeuvrability. Lean into corners like a motorcycle while sitting in a race car position. Brush the snow with your hand as you corner whether it’s powder or packed, backcountry or resort.”
When you hear the word “sledding,” what images come to mind? Do they include rosy-cheeked kids gently sashaying down pitifully mild slopes atop pitifully plastic saucers? Well, that’s not nearly badass enough for the good folks at Snolo, who are dead serious about turning this childhood pastime into snowboarding’s illegitimate, carbon fiber-infused child. I haven’t gone sledding in roughly 10 years, but I can’t think of a better way to break back into the sport (?) than at a sweet cruising speed of 40 mph.
J&D’s Bacon Shaving Cream – $14.95
“J&D’s Bacon Shaving Cream is a high end, luxurious bacon-scented shaving cream for all skin types. It is best used after a hot shower or before an important date with someone you may want to spend the rest of your life with…We image that this is what Vikings would have used this to mow down their impenetrable forest of man-beard…With J&Ds Bacon Shaving Cream, prepare to be loved, admired and possibly be eaten by bears.”
Well now, this stuff just sells itself, doesn’t it? (Though really, J&D needs to hire a proofreader or something. STAT.) A man whose entire face smells like bacon is a man who radiates success, and the woman who buys this stuff for me is also simultaneously buying a metaphorical one-way ticket down Promise Ring Blvd.
Hanwei Godfred Viking Sword – $439
“Named for the feared 8th century Viking raider, The Hanwei Godfred Sword is built around a beautifully patterned folded steel blade to replicate the pre-9th century originals. The interwoven leather grip, complemented by a Damascus guard and pommel, is matched by the leather-covered wood scabbard with bronze detailing and integral belt hooks. Superbly balanced, due to the deeply fullered distal tapered blade profile, the Godfred is a true tribute to the legendary Norse smiths.”
I was sort of hoping this would come as a package deal with the shaving cream. If you’re going to smell like a Viking, you should have a sword to swing like one, too. That’s what I say. (This thing would also come in handy during the inevitable zombie apocalypse…which is a little late to the party, I guess.)
A Trip to Yacht Week – $2,500-ish
“Affordable luxury combined with great people from all over the world and unforgettable events are what makes us unique. Every day is exceptional. Every night is magical. Crystal clear water, fresh winds, regattas and yacht parties will make the experience the journey of your life.”
A friend of mine brought this little getaway to my attention recently, and he described it as “Spring Break for grownups.” As an aspiring grownup, that sounded awesome. And after watching this video, I’m inclined to agree with him. My (latest) soon-to-be-ex balked at the idea of me taking this trip alone, for some reason.
Prima Cinema Membership – $20,000 (+ $500 per movie)
“PRIMA Cinema presents theatrically-released Hollywood films, in the comfort of your home. Imagine hosting a red carpet premiere in your larger-than-life custom home theater for a cinematic experience unlike any other. Until PRIMA Cinema, only a select few entertainment insiders were able to screen a theatrically-released film in their home. No longer.”
As much as I love watching movies, I often hate leaving my apartment to do so. It’s not that I have anything against the movie theater experience per se, but I detest crowds, and am more than content to relax in the comfort of my own living room with 42 inches of TV as opposed to 900 inches of projector screen. Which is exactly what Prima Cinema offers: instant access to movies as soon as they’re theatrically released. It’s essentially Netflix for movie theaters, and if Whatshername had really loved me, she would have made this gloriously pants-less dream a reality.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Match.com stuff to do…