Five Things That Make Me Feel Old Already

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A week or so ago, I revealed that it was my birthday, and had you lot guess at what my age might be. Most of you correctly guessed in the 22-29 range, and as it turns out, I’m actually 23.

But then why oh why do I already feel old?

Spending literally all day every day completely immersed in media, I should feel like I’m up on all the latest trends in everything, but there are something that when I see them or think about them today, I really just feel old, despite the fact I’ve probably got 75% of my life still to go.

Here are five things that really make me shake my fist at “kids today.” Feel free to shout out your own.

Justin Bieber

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Who is this kid? I’m serious.

I always knew that someday I would look at popular music and despair at what it’s devolved into, but I didn’t think it would be this soon, and that the harbinger would have this goofy of a haircut.

I do not understand Justin Bieber. Just the concept of him. I believe I’ve heard one song of his on the radio, where he goes “Baby, baby, baby, baby,” and as that’s my only exposure to the kid, I don’t see what the fascination with him is.

Where did he come from? Nickelodeon? Disney? I heard that he was maybe discovered via YouTube or something? Is that really how we’re creating pop icons now? Through YouTube?

And is this what really passes for a teen heartthrob these days? Back in my day, we had awesome ones like JTT, and this kid just looks like every other thirteen year old jerkoff I ever played little league with. What makes him set all these girls hearts a flutter? I just feel like a crochity old man whenever he comes on the radio. “Ehh, who is this? Justin Beaver you say? Turn down that racket!”

How Many Pokemon There Are Now

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Ten years ago, I played a little game called Pokemon Blue. I was quite upset that Nintendo had gotten so greedy that it decided to split the game in half in order for either side to complete it, as 150 Pokemon were apparently far too many to be contained by just one game.

But I sucked it up, and caught all of them, and rare candied them up to level 100 and kicked everyone’s ass on my street. Never once did I imagine that Pokemon would have a legacy that lasted this long, and that I would be buying my six year old niece Pokemon cards for her sixth birthday, ten years later.

There are so many Pokemon now, it’s ridiculous. The official list tops out at over 500, making my core 150 feel like dinosaurs. Garchomp? Finneon? Kyogre? Gliscor? What the **** are these things? I can’t even pronounce most of them. Just give me my Charmander, my Geodude, my Ghastly and my Mewtwo, and get the hell off my lawn.

The Population of Xbox Live

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The concept of playing games online in itself, doesn’t make me feel old, but who I’m playing against certainly does. Whether it’s Halo or Call of Duty, I am astonished by the amount of terrible parents who have apparently bought their eleven year olds these M-rated games.

It’s even worse in games that don’t allow party chat like COD. Every time I join a game, I must go down the line and mute a dozen high pitched voices, before they can start shouting in my ear about “****ing fag campers!” or various other epithets directed toward me or my mother. Kids these days are little shits.

But even that doesn’t make me feel old. No, what really gets me is that these kids are wiping the floor with me in all these games. When I was a kid, I’d come home from soccer practice and get a little N64 time in with my buddies before bed, but kids today play games obsessively, and they’re not just playing against their friends. Rather, they’re spending hours and hours a day playing the entire world, sharpening their skills off each other like an endless parade of ginsu knives. Then when I stroll along with my measly five days of playing time, I get my ass stomped by some twelve year old who has an entire month blacked out of his life due to this game.

Realizing That The Matrix Came Out Eleven Years Ago

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This can really be applied to any movie approaching its decade anniversary, but The Matrix stands out to me in particular. This movie defines my adolescence in a lot of ways, and really was what got me into movies growing up and set me on the path to where I am today.

But looking back it’s hard to imagine what it was like seeing that for the first time over ten years ago. Before the sequels messed everything up, and it was just a perfect entity of awesomeness, and I just can’t believe it’s been this long. Think back to Fight Club, Office Space, The Sixth Sense and The Phantom Menace. All were also in ’99, and I remember playing with toy lightsabers in my yard for my twelfth birthday before seeing Episode I like it was yesterday.

Think back to some of your favorite movies that you saw in theaters, and think how many years ago that was. It should make you feel old too.

These Graphics Used to Be Amazing

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In my generation, the first system most of us had was either SNES or Genesis, so those graphics became the standard for us. That’s why when N64 came out, it was utterly mindblowing. Can you SEE that polygon count? Those are 64-bit graphics right there!

Goldeneye was heralded as one of the graphic leaders of that console generation, but looking back at it now is pretty astonishing, considering how far we’ve come in the last decade or so. We’re marching inevitably toward photo-realism (someday), and side by siding something like Gears of War to this just makes me feel like an old timer.

I have to wonder if we’ll someday look back at our games today with the same reaction, when our kids are so immersed in hyper realistic video game worlds that they never want to leave. I think so, and I believe in another ten years we just might have maxed things out.


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