6 Character Suggestions For The Costumed Criminals

Copy cat crimes are nothing new, especially if the job goes off without a hitch. Criminals will mimic everything, including the attire, of another thug. Perhaps that explains the rash of costumed criminals the past few years. While I don’t condone crime, I can understand wanting to dress like a comic book hero while pulling off a job.

The yearning to dress like a super hero (or villain) is probably already in their blood, so why not do it in the most intense situation of their lives? Who knows, it might unlock something deep down to help them under pressure. Here is my biggest problem: their choices are just so cliche.

The Joker? Unoriginal. Batman? Doesn’t even make sense with the Batman character. Just like the petty crimes their trying to pull off, the costumes are just as half-assed. If they are going to rob, cheat and steal they should at least dress accordingly. Here are some suggestions for costumes, depending on the actual crimes the perpetrators are looking to commit.

Deadpool

Best Outfit For: Robbery, Assault and Murder

Why: The mask is incredibly intimidating and there is a less of a chance that people will get a good look at the criminal’s face. Also, in case of witnesses, Deadpool is incredibly non-descript and looks very much like several other characters. Most people would just refer to him as a ninja. “What did the criminal look like? Well like a ninja. Like the Snake-Eyes guy from G.I. Joe. The cartoon G.I. Joe, not the movie. The movie guy looked like he was sex slave.”

Steampunk Iron Man

Best Outfit For: Armed Robbery, Bank Robbery and Bar Fights

Why: The armor works as great protection, in case someone tries to be the hero, and starts shooting like a lunatic. Same for bank robbery although if their is a foot race with cops the guy is pretty much caught. Armor would also be useful in convenience store robberies, knocking off liquor stores and assaulting the neighbor because he stole the newspaper again. Plus, it looks pretty badass. No shame in getting robbed by Steampunk Iron Man.

Louie The Lilac

Best Outfit For: Petty Theft, Shoplifting, Credit Card Fraud and Identity Theft

It’s sad to say but if you put a well dressed man in a lineup of hoodlums, even if he is guilty, he is never getting fingered for committing a crime. People love a well dressed man. Especially one that smells nice, much like fresh cut flowers. Plus derby hats are making a comeback. I’m not sure purple is the color of choice but I canceled my subscription to GQ back when male thongs were all the rage.

T-X (Terminator)

Best Outfit For: Female criminals (or men really into pleather)

Why: While T-X probably isn’t the best choice because she isn’t quite a superhero in the general sense, she’s really the only female character I could think of who didn’t wear an outfit that looked like a dominatrix or contestant in a beauty pageant. The T-X has a nice leather pantsuit, perfect attire for robbing a store, assaulting the woman at the drive-thru or wherever her criminal husband may take her on a nice night of dinner and manslaughter.

The Punisher

Best Outfit For: General Badness

Why: If you see a man in a dark coat with a huge skull shirt underneath, you start walking on the other side of the street. He has an agenda and is up to no good.

Barnacle Boy (The Old Man Version)

Best Outfit For: Whatever crimes old guys pull off; stealing money from old ladies, taking more fruit than they should at early bird etc.

Why: This is an idea for the career criminals. The older men that keep getting locked up year after year and haven’t spent an entire year out of lock-up since Laugh-In was all the rage. Barnacle Boy is just so damn old and adorable. No one would ever take him seriously. Those are often the best type of criminals. Get you when you least expect it. If an old man does get caught in the Barnacle Boy get up, maybe a judge will go easy and let him walk solely because he looks so damn pathetic. I mean really, could you put this poor old man in jail? Isn’t a nursing home just like jail anyway?


  • Sam

    Wow spalding, that was hilarious. Best article I’ve read from you yet. Keep up the good work.
    I once had a punisher shirt when I was like 16 and my mom threw it away because she said it gave her the heebie jeebies and said it made me look like I was up to no good.

  • Bert

    Nice work – but I believe the hat Louie is wearing is more of a Homburg than a derby. The derby has a round crown.

  • Spalding

    @Sam- Gracias my friend. I didn’t have the Punisher shirt but in the same vein I argued for months to get the Appetite For Destruction album. All because they “cursed”. My parents had no idea what it was like to ride a school bus. I heard the f-bomb four hundred more times a day than I would on one GnR album.

    @Bert – You certainly know your hats. I stand corrected. Corrected but lopsided, one leg is shorter than the other.

  • Ellie

    “It’s Barnacle Man!!!”

    And, oh, after this old man commits this crime, he’ll need to join,
    Every
    Villain
    Is
    Lemon

    Or EVIL for short.

  • owwww..

    hahahah.. i love this article.. it’s make me happy….

    i love STEAMPUNK IRON MAN..

    WOSHHHHU