Aug 19 2014

Angels in the Apocalypse: How the Events of “Angels in the Outfield” Led to Humanity’s Extinction

Published by at 10:00 am under Columns,Movies

ANGELS 2

Leave it to the happiest company on Earth to end it.

In 1994, Disney released what’s become a family cinematic staple: the screwball sports comedy classic, “Angels in the Outfield.” The film was fairly star-studded with Danny Glover, Christopher Lloyd, and a pre-Robin Joey Gordon-Levitt all in starring roles, and had future Oscar winners Adrien Brody and Matthew McConaughey as side players. And it had Tony Danza shirtless.

The film was a success, and kids across America owned the clamshell case clad comedy on VHS, myself included. As a kid I must’ve watched the movie just shy of one billion times, and loved it. But it wasn’t until a recent viewing (and more on just why I revisited the film later) that I realized something sinister was brewing behind the bases. “Angels in the Outfield” seemed like good fun…but have you ever really thought about what happens after the Angels (SPOILER ALERT) do win the pennant?

Well…I have…and I’m here to say goodbye to the human race.

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A quick recap of the story: JGL plays Roger, a foster kid who has a dead-beat dad who you can tell is a dead-beat dad because he rides a motorcycle and wears leather and is unshaven and smokes cigarettes indoors. Watch out for that guy. In a moment of desperation, Roger asks DBD when they’ll ever be a family again. DBD answers, “When the Angels win the pennant.” Roger takes this to heart, prays to God to send the California Angels help…and God answers.

Roger starts to see actual freaking angels on the baseball field helping the (mortal) Angels win games. From adjusting pitches to assisting batters to just general wackiness with the ball on the field, the Angels start winning game after game. I’ll let you see the movie for yourself to see how it all ends.

The movie is touching, heartwarming, and the CGI holds up better than you’d think. Really.

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But as the credits started to roll I realized that we all ignored some pretty heavy duty implications from the flick. To put it simply: I believe the world of “Angels in the Outfield” rapidly descended into chaos and then global extinction immediately thereafter.

Just think about it: when scientists reexamine the events of every game from this “miraculous” season they’re going to come to one conclusion: the laws of psychics no longer exist.

Baseballs cannot suddenly change trajectory. Portly runners cannot suddenly gain superspeed. Foul poles cannot suddenly bend no matter how many angelic Doc Browns you put on it. IT JUST CAN’T HAPPEN.

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There is peace in the world because there are equal signs. You pick up a baseball, you let go, it hits your foot. The end. If you drop the baseball and it flies in a loop and outside Angel Stadium in Anaheim we have pandemonium.

Seriously, Einstein, Newton, Hawking, they’re all donezo. Math and science are suddenly more unreliable than ever. Everything we knew we only thought.

And when people start looking for answers what will they find? Well, how about an entire baseball team that believe that they are being helped by literal angels. Moral implications aside (suddenly we got a whole bunch of pious Alex Rodriguezes here, sports fans), can you imagine the cultural repercussions? When one of the largest mainly Christian countries in the world starts spouting off that their faith is real and what’s more they might actually have proof?

ANGELS 5

Wars will be waged from every corner of the world.

Adding this to the collapse of…well…science, it won’t be long before we’re living in caves again, and that’s if we’re not all vaporized once all the nukes go a’launchin’.

And what’s more? Roger’s dumb prayer didn’t even pan out. He wanted to be with his dad again, and that doesn’t happen. Instead, he gets adopted by Murtaugh. Earth is doomed and they didn’t even get the order right.

Unless…of course…that was the plan all along. And maybe it wasn’t God that was listening. Maybe it was Satan…and maybe those weren’t angels.

Maybe it was demons in the dugout…

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If you’re wondering where my sudden fascination with a…yeah, get ready for this one…twenty year old Disney movie came from, check out the latest episode of my podcast The JimmyJew Podcast Extravaganza where my co-host James Scanlan and I recorded an unofficial commentary track for the flick. You can find the episode here, or check us out on iTunes. It was more fun than the inevitable erasure of the human race.

Adam Esquenazi Douglas is a playwright who was born in Texas, grew up in Arkansas, was raised by a Jewish man and a Cuban woman, and, somehow, he doesn’t have an accent. His plays have been produced across the United States from Los Angeles to New York City, as well as in Canada and Japan.

He is co-host of two podcasts, The JimmyJew Podcast Extravaganza and Schmame Over Level 2, which can be found at http://jimmyjew.libsyn.com/ and  http://schmameoverlevel2.libsyn.com/ respectively, as well as on iTunes. He is a contributing writer to www.GamersSchmamers.com.

He currently lives in Brooklyn where he drinks far too much coffee.





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One response so far

  • http://nickverboon.wordpress.com/ Nick Verboon

    I love this. It kind of paints the film as a satire of religious peoples’ genuine belief that God can and will supernaturally make anyting they want happen just because they say so. Who knew Disney was so mean-spirited? Other than non-racists, that is.

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