Jul 21 2014

5 Movies That Make Your Family Seem Normal

Published by at 10:00 am under Lists,Movies

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Chances are, your family isn’t that normal. I only say this because no one has a normal family. The Brady Bunch ideal is all but dead in America, and pretty much everyone has one slightly creepy or always drunk uncle. Sometimes you may look around at your family and think to yourself you landed in the strangest, most dysfunctional pod of people on Earth. Honestly, there is truth to that and exaggeration in that. The truth is, dysfunctional is the new normal, and these five movies will prove to you just how far from abnormal your family really is. So the next time you are thinking to yourself how insane your family is, watch any of these five movies and you will realize you actually have it pretty good. Your family is probably normal by comparison.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Family

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She is angry that her plate is all meat and no veggies, as she is conscientious about what she puts into her body.

I guess the weirdest part about bringing up the family from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is that, if you really pay attention to the movie, they are actually quite close. The one problem being they torture and murder kids and keep an inbred mutant as a sort of watch dog. If you weigh all those things against one another, the end result is one crazy family.

So the next time you are having dinner with your family, and you are arguing over politics and religion, just remember: it could be worse. You could have a girl tied up on the other end of the table screaming while your dead (or damn close to dead) Grandfather tries to smash her head in with a hammer. Makes you realize arguments over politics are not that big of a deal.

The Cleeks from The Woman

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“Um, Dad. Why is there a half naked woman chained up in our basement?”

Dads can sometimes be cold and distant. It is just part of their makeup, I suppose. But at least your father is not like the father from The Woman. At least your Dad is not keeping a feral woman chained up in your basement so he can teach her the ways of modern civilization (whilst torturing and molesting her and the little brother torturing and molesting her). At least he doesn’t slap your Mother around, and your Mom just kinda allows all this to go down. There are much darker things hinted at, too.

The male side of the Cleek family (and somewhat, the Mom, though she is a victim, too) is full of slimy, creepy, patriarchal evil. So the next time you think the men in your family might all be brutes, just watch this movie and realize they are angels by comparison.

The McFlys from Back to the Future

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The moment you realize your Mom was hot still gives you NO allowance to ponder sexing her up.

I know, I know. None of you expected this family on the list. It’s cool. That is simply because you don’t look at the family in a realistic light after looking at the big picture. You see the family as we first see them in the first movie and just accept they are a realistic, albeit slightly odd, family.

It is only once Marty goes back (and forth) in time you realize just how twisted this family is. Think about the Mom, for example. She was obviously a VERY promiscuous teenager (no slut shaming here, good for her) at one point, she even tries to banging her son (who she thinks is a stranger who just got hit by a car). The thing is, he KNOWS it is his Mom, and for a minute, he considers it. Whoa to that. The Dad is obviously a meek and broken man who only lands the Mother because he saved her from being raped outside a dance.

See, the McFly’s are pretty f*cked up.

The Family from Dogtooth

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No, that is not a misquote. This will make a lot more sense in the context of the movie.

Honestly, this is the family that inspired the list. We aren’t even really given a name of this clan, but we know right from the first frame of the film something is off. Dogtooth is brilliant, but also quite disturbing and graphic (sexually) at times.

This Greek film focuses around a family where the parents choose to keep their kids locked away and unaware of the threats of the outside world. You may think it sounds protective, but soon you realize just how insane this family is. Keep in mind, it is not the kid’s fault. There are two sisters and one brother, and they are clearly victims of the insane parents (mostly the Dad).

There is not much I can say here about the movie that I have not already said here. In many ways, Dogtooth has one of the most messed up (and original) family dynamics I have ever seen put on film. I haven’t even touched on the incest yet.

The Jordans from Happiness

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This picture fills me with the urge to vomit, which you will understand if you have seen the film.

What do you even say about this Todd Solondz movie and the insane, awful, dark, twisted escapades the surround the Jordans from Happiness? I mean, here you have the plethora of everything nasty and bad that can unfold within one family. What to focus on? The suicide? The pedophilia? The Stalking? It is sort of like taking all the families up above and mashing them up and then squatting them down in suburbia to blend in with the other malcontents.

Maybe one of the darkest of dark comedies, Happiness pretty much leaves you feeling anything but what the name of the movie implies. You know what it does make you feel? A helluva lot better about your own family.

One (dis)Honorable Mention from TV:

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All Jon Snow has to do here is kill the Lannisters real quick, kiss Khaleesi, and it’s game over.

The Lannisters from Game of Thrones: I could not make a list about families who make your own family look less insane and not include the most f*cked up family on modern TV. From incest to killing kids to trying to kill your kin to patricide, this powerful family pretty much has so many skeletons in their closet, they need a new castle with much bigger closets.

If you enjoyed this, read some more weird stuff over here at my site, then hit me up here and join my disfunctional family of REMlins. There is no rape in this family, so you’re good.





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6 responses so far

  • http://merelyadequate.net Mike aka MonolithTMA

    Honestly, the first movie I thought of was August: Osage County.

    • Remy Carreiro

      That was on my pitch list (the rough draft for this list), but I had this odd feeling Unreality readers might not have lined up to see that movie, so I skipped it. I now realize that was a mistake.

      • http://merelyadequate.net Mike aka MonolithTMA

        I found the movie rather disturbing because I come from a family that is very loving and supportive. Great performances and writing, but I just wanted to crawl under my chair.

  • Jeff Busch

    Don’t forget 1992’s “Society”. I’d even include Terry Gilliam’s “Tideland”.

    • Remy Carreiro

      Ah, Tideland! One of my favorites. Great call. Society, oh man, society *has flashbacks.
      Hahaha

  • John O’Leary

    Flowers in the Attic has a pretty messed up family.

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