May 28 2014
Cats get a bad rep in Hollywood these days. They usually have the choice between being an accessory to the eccentric antagonist or being the eccentric antagonist themselves.
Thanks, though, to trending internet stories of one cat that climbs boulders with its owner and another that aggressively defends against attacking dogs, people have started to reverse their opinions and accept cats for being more than furry little assholes.
If those real life cats weren’t enough to change your mind and make you want to adopt a cuddly feline of your own, here are some fictional ones that would significantly improve any pet owner’s quality of life…
Lord Tubbington – Glee
According to his slightly touched-in-the-head owner, Lord Tubbington has many shortcomings. He has at times been addicted to ecstasy, online gambling, and smoking, and also has her worried because he has become a “bad boy” and joined a gang.
In the world outside Britney’s reality, however, we mostly watch Lord Tubbington loaf about and be cute. He also helps with the chores sometimes. What more could any owner ask for?
“Cat” – Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Referred to only as “Cat,” Holly Golightly’s orange tom oozes as much personality onscreen as Hephburn herself. The epitome of felines’ tendency to be social and independent at the same time, Cat takes no sass from his owner or her high-society friends but still likes to be the center of attention at a party.
Cat is a fan of looking down on his humans from the highest perch possible, avoiding contact but still being seen. He also helps brings the two love interests together at the end once Holly realizes she can’t give him up so easily, despite claiming she could never be tied down. Clearly, Cat and his owner are two peas in a pod and need each other in their lives, despite constantly playing it aloof.
Special Agent Jack Bauer – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
No, this isn’t Kiefer Sutherland, but he’s even more indestructible. Born in a pool of gasoline on top of a piece of rusty scrap metal, Jack Bauer is the toughest junkyard cat you’ll ever find. Once, he even jumped through some barbed wire into a vat of hot tar and lived to tell the tale.
Dennis goes to a scrap dump to find a vicious guard dog, but returns home with the cat instead. They quickly develop a bond and begin impersonating cops together, enjoying perks such as complimentary hot dogs from the sidewalk cart.
Jack Bauer’s love for gasoline might be his only downfall, but he seems to be immune to its combustive effects, even after being trapped inside an exploding car. Having a kitty that can keep calm under pressure and shrug off mortal damage would definitely make a great sidekick.
Dino – A Cat in Paris
While quite the smooth criminal at night, Dino never forgets his day job, which is comforting his young owner, Zoe.
Dino is great because he pursues his hobby of night-prowling passionately but always remembers to bring Zoe a share of the spoils. He also knows how to stick close to his human partner-in-crime, the thief Nico, while leaping through the Paris rooftops, and he always knows the best routes to take.
When his owner runs afoul of the criminal gang that killed her father, Dino and Nico take to action and help her stay one step ahead of them. The kitty also provides a convenient distraction from aggressors in the form of five, razor-sharp claws when Zoe is backed into a corner.
Multiple times, Dino’s swipes provide the only means of escape when all hope seems lost. Dino’s ability to walk the legal line while keeping his morality in check would make for a pet that requires no extra stimulation, and who could help bail you out when the situation gets more than hairy.
Binx – Hocus Pocus
Technically, Binx isn’t a cat, but a cursed human in a feline form factor. That doesn’t make him any less cute or fuzzy, though.
Hexed by a trio of witches, Thachery Binx is doomed to an immortal life of torment after failing to save his sister from their rituals.
Once the hag Sandserson sisters are disposed of, Binx tasks himself with watching over their house to prevent their resurrection via a virgin lighting the black flame candle. He is also blessed with human intelligence and speech, so when the witches do inevitably return he is able to aid in their undoing.
Lack of opposable thumbs aside, Binx’s pussycat body becomes very handy for accessing hard-to-reach places. With his speech he is able to fill in his 1990s cohorts on all the Sandsersons’ backstory, including their strengths and weaknesses.
Also, the whole “not being able to die” thing is nice when you’ve become attached to an animal. As his sort-of owner Dani puts it, she’ll be able to take care of him forever, and then her children can take care of him, and then their children, and so on.
While I would hate to place the tremendous burden on a pet to outlive all of its owners for all eternity, Binx would make a great family mascot and guardian throughout the generations, and he would make sure that your ancestors never got lonely or strayed too far from their path.
Francis – Felidae
Part Thomas O’Malley and part Sherlock Holmes, Francis is a witty charmer who knows how to wrap his head around a mystery.
Francis is handsome, responsible, brave, and extremely intelligent. He also has a way with the ladies. Think James Bond, but with less killing and more espionage. Basically, Francis has all the qualities of a standup hero and never lets it go to his head.
His owner is a hapless but well-read writer who is completely unaware of the extent of Francis’s adventures. This may seem like a disconnected relationship compared to most of these entries, but as Francis unravels the secret behind a rash of grisly cat murders happening in his neighborhood, he soon realizes that failing to stop the culprit could result in the extinction of the entire human race.
Able to read and use computers, Francis shows that the fate of humanity is in quite capable paws. Despite finding his friends maimed and decapitated, Francis keeps his emotions at bay and lets the facts lead his heart and not the other way around.
Finally, when he is given the opportunity to take the villain’s place as the future ruler of the world, he politely declines before disemboweling him. Thus, Francis is a better person than most humans, and would make the ideal companion for anyone who’d like a handsome fellow to help them sleep easier at night.
Jarrod Lipshy is a BA English graduate and freelance content writer. He collects old videogames and likes to talk to his cats in stupid voices.
More Unreal Posts