Apr 21 2014
I will admit, when I sat down to play the new South Park RPG, The Stick of Truth, I had no idea what was in store for me. I mean, I definitely knew there would be some crude humor, as well as a cavalcade of Easter eggs from the show. But the truth is, even being a fan of the series, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I would have to say, the minute I knew this was a new level of insane was the moment I summoned Mr. Slave and he shoved a tweeking meth head up his ass and scared all the other meth heads away. Keep in mind, that is not a cut-scene. No, I summoned him, like this is a Final Fantasy game. Then he shoved a meth head UP HIS ASS and I won the battle.
Yeah, that was the moment I realized the following list needs to be written. Trust me, that is mild. This stuff gets pretty insane and uncomfortable, so if you are easily offended, or have not yet experienced this game and do not want this stuff ruined, don’t read this. For the rest of us, all I can really say is buckle in (and put a condom on and get your hep vaccine). Please note, the pics and entries wont match, because there is no way I could get away with showing pics of a guy getting a penis shaped probe shoved up his ass. Sorry. Again, SPOILERS, so travel onward with caution.
Picking The JEW Class
The “rotoscope” animation intro is the stuff of legends, and harkens back to the old Lord of the Rings cartoons.
I knew from the first few minutes of playing this that The Stick of Truth knew it’s RPG shit. The game begins, some stuff goes down, and Cartman makes you pick which type of adventurer you will be. A buff fighter who will swing his mighty sword and save the day with his might? A mage, who can wield magic from afar? Perhaps, a thief who can sneak in and do quick kills and grab loot? Or maybe, a Jew. You are never really figure out what sets the Jew class apart, but being a huge fan of old RPG’s like this, the weirdest class usually means you are a mix of all the classes. So I, of course, went with Jew. I also thought it might give me some financial Benefit. Hey, this is South Park, after all.
So do you want to know the one thing that came out of me being in the Jew class? Cartman got pissed at me and said he guesses we can never be friends. That not only made me laugh, but set the tone for the insanity to come. Your character class in this game affects your special attacks, mainly. Yes I had a dradle attack, and could circumcise my enemies. Glad I went with Jew class.
Opening A Random House Door
Every closet and room in this game has about 1000 references and Easter eggs. Hell, you can even collect 30 Chinpokomon.
You know how in all modern RPGs you can seemingly wander in and out of houses at your free will, often with very little discord as the result? Well, you can open doors and explore houses in South Park, too. You never know when a garage or random room will give you some cool (and hilarious) loot, so you explore like you would any other RPG. Thing is, you open a few house doors in The Stick of Truth, and you realize, this might not be such a good idea.
While I will not ruin all of the punchlines, as there are a lot of doors to be opened in this game, I would say when I opened the house door and the dude was f%*#*ng a horse from behind it hit me that I may want to be careful just bursting into any old home around this town.
Stopping Randy Marsh’s Alien Probing
This is your base camp when you first begin the game.
It is a South Park game, so you know there had to be aliens, right? Well, you get abducted, and on the ship, you break free and find Randy Marsh, held down with his ass in the air. You are then tasked with stopping his anal probing by going around to various sections of the map and playing a Simon like rhythm game to stop the aliens from ramming Randy in the ass. But you hit a wrong note and, well, let’s just say, he gets quite the reaming. This happens more than once throughout the alien stage, and as tasteless as it was, it had me in tears.
Also, please note, the alien abduction stage is also where you where the “audio logs” by Mr. Garrison, and they are about the most hilarious things ever. Audio logs talking about how stupid and out of place audio logs are in video games. Touche’, South Park. You did it again.
Giving Randy an Abortion
Yes, once you “find Jesus”, he becomes a summon. A super badass summon.
Yup, that’s right. Easily the most offensive moment I have ever played in any video game ever, yet it had me laughing because I am a vile person. You have to dress up like a doctor at one point, with Randy Marsh dressed up as a girl, and you need to give Randy a (faux) abortion. There is, literally, an abortion mini-game, where you use scrape tools and vacuums.
The thing is, Randy is a man, as you all know, and if you mess up, you rip one of his balls off and suck it up into a vacuum tube. Like I said, nothing I have ever played in all my years of gaming prepared me for the insanity of the abortion clinic level. Hell, I even feel bad saying the whole level was insane and a blast. Just wait until the abortions come back to life as Nazi zombies. Speaking of zombie abortions….
The Boss Fight With Khloe Kardashian’s Giant Aborted Nazi Zombie Baby
Trust me when I say, it’s the biggest living abortion you have ever seen. Besides Justin Bieber. *Rimshot
I don’t even think I need to write anything here. I am thinking, right about now, Paul is really upset about okaying this article.
Dodging Your Dad’s Giant Testicles in a QTE
This pic is mild compared to the shot of your Dads wrinkly balls flying towards your face.
At one point in South Park: The Stick of Truth, you need to shrink down and do some work for the underpants gnomes. Any fan of the show will understand that and not think much of it. But they shrink you down in your own home, and then you have to battle the underpants gnomes across giant backgrounds. It all seems innocent enough, until you end up on your parents bed, while they are banging.
Yes, you can see and hear all the nasty things your (in-game) parents are saying and doing to one another. But then, one of the gnomes jumps away really quickly, and you see it. The most gruesome sight your eyes have ever seen. You see your Dad’s massive balls swinging right at you, each hair and wrinkle perfectly defined and giant. You hit the button in time, you dodge Dad’s sack like Neo from the Matrix. But if you don’t hit it in time. Well, you ever been teabagged? Yeah, it is kinda like that, only ten times larger and with the very balls you came out of. I told you this shit was insane.
Heading Up Into Slave’s Asshole To Disarm A Nuke
Oh, and of course you can shit in the game. It is a South Park game, after all.
Had I ended the list in any other way, I would have been misleading you. Yes, even outside the giant Dad balls and the baby vacuuming, this might have been the most shocking moment. But I mean, any South Park fan worth their salt would have had to know this was coming, pun intended. While I will not ruin all the wonderful things what you find inside his asshole, I will tell you, I think popping the jizz bubbles was the one thing that kinda made me gag a little. Well, between laughing riotously, that is. Keep in mind, the Lemmywinks song plays the whole time you are up his ass.
So there you have it, kids. The funniest thing is, that is seven out of about seventy shocking moments littered throughout this game. The kicker is, the RPG mechanic really works. If you can deal with climbing around assholes and sucking out dead babies with a vacuum, you are left with a game that feels more like an old school Final Fantasy game than ANYTHING Square has done in years. On top of that, definitely the funniest game I have ever played, and one that I was sad to see end. Truth is, I already miss adventuring with Butters.
I love that little dude.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on Jimmy’s “Maiden from Stonebury Hollow” song. That shit has been stuck in my head for three weeks now.
So if you kids dig this twisted shit, head on over to my site for stuff that is even less censored, feel free to follow me on Twitter and Vine, and head over to my Facebook to say hi. I am way more normal and approachable than articles like this would lead you to believe.
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