Mar 24 2014

Five Great Actors In Five Terrible Movies

Published by at 1:00 pm under Lists,Movies

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You know, even the best of us slip up now and then. We are either blinded by some big paycheck or some big rack or some big promises, and we end up doing something that we may not be so proud of. It happens to anyone, and extremely talented actors are no exception. The thing is, some of the best actors alive today have made some unforgivably bad films. These films are often so bad, in fact, the public tries to immediately forget they ever happened at all. Well guess what? I am here to remind you. To remind you that these films exist and that these otherwise awesome actors made these God awful films. This way, the next time you make a horrible decision in your own life, you can remember these roles and feel a little bit better about yourself. See, my intentions are pure.

Cyborg 2: Angelina Jolie

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I want to write a funny caption, but I am actually upset at how attractive she is and cannot come up with anything valid.

Remember the classic cheesy (yet somehow awesome) Jean-Claude Van Damme film, Cyborg? Well, if you don’t remember that film, chances are even less likely that you will remember its even crappier sequel. I remember it, though, because that is when I first fell madly in love with Angelina Jolie. I have since fallen out of it, so I can talk about it now without opening any wounds.

In this schlock fest, a young Jolie plays a cyborg who tries to use her sexiness to get her inside a rival company so she can take it down from the inside, but she ends up (wait for it) falling in love with one of her enemies. How complex and Shakespearean, huh? Nah, mainly it was a chance for people to take note of this girl, who would go on to blow all of our minds with her varied and challenging roles. This flick is one I am sure she would like to pretend she never made.

She has even gone on record to say that after she watched it for the first time, she went home and threw up. Not even kidding.

Brad Pitt: Cool World

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He may have always been cool, but this movie tried way too hard, and failed at being just that.

You see what I did there, right? I opened this list up with the big power couple in Hollywood right now. Look Ma, I am being topical! Anyway, regarding Cool World, the idea on paper sounds genius. Make a Roger Rabbit type movie for adults that blends a noire detective feel with a stylized world full of strange characters.  The problem was solely in the execution. Mainly, you just wanted someone to execute you to put you out of your misery while you tried to watch this flop. Hey, look Ma, I am making bad puns, just like a real, life movie reviewer guy. Look out Gene Shalit, I am gunning for you!

No, but seriously, Cool World failed. The art style was nice, but the animation sucked and was not fluid, and the whole thing felt more forced than than a nerd wearing a leather jacket to prom. Funny thing is, Pitt’s star took off not long after this movie bombed. Thing is, I didn’t forget. I was one of the assholes who thought it looked awesome and payed to see it in a theater. Did I mention I was on a lot of drugs back then? Well, I was.

Even that can’t justify seeing it. Speaking of drugs….

Sean Connery: Zardoz

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I am printing this out and hanging it over my bed, right now.

Did you know that if you bring up Zardoz to Sean Connery, he will slap you, open palmed, in the face? I am not sure if that is true, as I am pretty sure I just made it up, but something about that sentence feels very authentic. I know nerds like all us Unreality readers know about the insanity that is Zardoz, but there are countless non-cinephiles who have NO idea this movie exists, and I cannot go on living until I know all the world knows about this batshit insane flick.

So Zardoz is about…um, well, there’s a giant, floating head, and I am pretty sure Sean Connery having to bang chicks is a big part of the plot. Hell, I have seen this movie a dozen times and cannot tell you what it is about. Why have I seen it a dozen times? Well, I did mention to you guys I took a lot of drugs in my teens, right? Stuff like this is pure gold when you are in an altered state of mind. Just saying.

Also, Dan Harmon put a Zardoz reference in Community last week, and a Rick and Morty episode from a few weeks ago, so I know I am not the only obsessed with this mindf*ck of a film. Safe to say Connery wishes he never made it. I am glad he did, though.

Robert DeNiro: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

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You could give me another thousand words, and I still wouldn’t be able to sum up everything wrong with this.

You know, I understand why a guy like Bobby DeNiro would want to take a role like this. Dude has next to no family films under his belt, which is why he has gone much softer in the twilight of his career. But honestly, how horrible an agent does he have to tell him to take this role? Maybe if the film was well written, and the animation seemed to gel well with the real world the movie was inexplicably cast in. Maybe if those things lined up, this movie would have been a good choice. The thing is, none of them did. You are left with a ninety minute movie that is filled with decent actors doing awful impressions.

The real irony here is that Bobby didn’t even stretch himself or step outside of his comfort zone for this. He still played a “bad guy”, which he seems to be more than comfortable in. But in this, he is like a kernel of corn sticking out a shit that you notice right as you flush it. Bobby deserves better than that.

Hell, the audience deserves better than that.

Michael Caine: Jaws 4

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That is the face we all made while watching this film.

Nope. Just no. Much like the above mentioned DeNiro, Michael Caine is and will always be known as a badass. The guy you go to when you need to get stuff done. So how in God’s name he ended up playing a generic love interest in what is ultimately the worst Jaws film (which is really saying something) is something my brain cannot even wrap around.

Oh wait, I actually have a great line from Caine himself, which sort of sums up how I am sure all actors on this list feel about these roles.

” I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific”.

Damn. With one sentence, Michael Caine just pretty much shut me up. Touche’. I think I get it now.





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4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Five Great Actors In Five Terrible Movies”

  1. Vonteron 24 Mar 2014 at 1:30 pm

    It’s amusing how you wrote Cyborg 2: Angelina Jolie and all the other titles are reversed.

  2. Remy Carreiroon 24 Mar 2014 at 1:43 pm

    That is a very keen observation on your part. I am impressed. See, I was subconsciously letting you all know I still apparently love her and haven’t worked out all my issues yet. Well played.

  3. Remy Carreiroon 25 Mar 2014 at 7:23 pm

    “Crotch fruit children” is the new coolest expression I have ever heard. I pray you are a writer of some sort, my friend.

  4. MegaSolipsiston 07 Jul 2014 at 6:16 pm

    What about Michael Fassbender and Jonah Hex?

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