Dec 16 2013
The story of why some movies that come out are so similar is a story very few people tell. It is a story of writers getting screwed over, undercut, and having their stories stolen and rushes to production, often with less expensive writers and directors. A studio may say they don’t want your idea, but the truth is, they may want it but may just want to make it cheaper or bring in their own people. It sucks, but another part of the industry is not to snitch. The Hollywood life is way more based on thug ideals than any of you would believe. You get screwed over, you tuck your tail and move on. Hoping one day you have the power to screw that person right back.
Anyway, the twelve movies (six ideas) on this list are all pretty much perfect examples of that. To put it in other terms, remember that time I thought I was going on a date with Zooey Deschanel and it ended up being Katy Perry? Well, this is kind of like that, but with movies. Also, that never happened, but I hope by putting it into print, I may be one step closer.
Observe and Report and Paul Blart: Mall Cop
What’s this? A movie about a fat guy who wants nothing more than to be a real cop but has to settle as mall security? In the process, he manages to get caught in a kooky caper, which he solves, and then meets said dream (or comes damn close)? That sounds like a bad enough idea that it shouldn’t even be one movie, but in this case, it’s two.
The really sad part is that I think Paul Blart may have had one more laugh in it than Observe and Report, which had none. Oh, and that scene of Seth Rogen banging Anna Farris while she is passed out in vomit? Yes, um, that’s a rape scene. Even when she consents, half awake? Yup, still rape. Sorry. Not too funny. Kevin James (somehow) wins this round, by being slightly less gross.
Whatever exec decided that this idea needed to be stolen and rushed out should have their legs broken. Or atleast be made to watch these movies, back to back, for 24 consecutive hours.
Volcano and Dante’s Peak
I can almost understand the draw of a big Summer volcano movie, but these two films were both beyond ridiculous. Oh look, suddenly an active volcano exists in a highly populated area, and we are all in imminent danger. I will say with clear confidence, though, Volcano is one of the WORST movies I have ever seen in my life. I mean, Dante’s Peak was awful, but Volcano wins. An active volcano under L.A, suddenly bursting to life? Yeah, maybe in our dreams.
It wins for just how unbelievably, unabashedly bad it is:
Go to second 00:56 to see the greatest scene ever put on film. I am talking about the guy who slowly melts into a puddle of lava, screaming the whole time. Even as a kid watching this, I was like: Are you &%$%#*ng kidding me? Again, if the movie may have sounded AWESOME in theory. I can understand why they would have wanted to make two, but they just ended up making two awful volcano movies, and pretty much ruined the volcano sub-genre of action films forever.
I am grateful for that, actually.
Armageddon and Deep Impact
Much like Volcano and Dante’s Peak, this was another “suddenly the world is in massive peril” scenario, only this time it was a giant meteor. Though the movies had subtle differences in story, the idea was pretty much the same. Some people will live. Some people will die. There will be cheesy love subplots. There will be troubled family subplots. Then there will be a big bang where people will die. Some heroically, some not so much.
In this case, Deep Impact was a much better film. It just seemed to be covered in far less cheese by the time it ended. Plus, it had a better impact scene, and no Michael Bay. So it wins on all counts, actually.
Gordy and Babe
You know why the middle of the nineties kinda sucked for fat people? Because for some reason, kid’s movies were obsessed with humanizing bacon. Suddenly the greatest meat in all the world had a face and a really cute voice. Technically, it had two. Babe and Gordy. For the first time in infinity, kids were saying no to salted swine at breakfast. That, my friends, is not okay.
All kidding aside, no one saw Gordy. Gordy was Canadian bacon to what Babe was. If anything, we pan seared Gordy while we watched Babe. Hell, even the second Babe movie was still pretty cute. I think Gordy may have been his dim-witted cousin or something, who knows? No one, and no one cares.
But man, I bet you Babe’s meat is super tasty. Charismatic things ALWAYS taste better.
No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits
Hey, you know what I DON’T give a shit about? Rich, good-looking, upper-class white people, struggling with trying to get laid whilst also being super successful. What is the strife? Why do I want to care about these people? Where is the story? Oh, I get it, they will SPIN it. In the cases of these two movies, it is the guys who kind of falls for the girls, and the girls are more detached. Oh, edgy!
I get what they were trying to do here. Thing is, it doesn’t work. What you get, in both cases, are incredibly attractive people getting laid, the movie. Though they both sucked ass, I would have to say No Strings Attached wins, only because of how Friends With Benefits ruined the flash mob. No, really. They tried SO hard to be trendy, they literally ruined the idea of the flash mob. See for yourself and try not to vomit at how “rich, out-of-touch executive came up with this idea” this all feels.
This might be my most hated movie scene of 2011. Seriously.
Top Gun and Iron Eagle
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA, like anyone saw Iron Eagle.
Why do I have the weird feeling the comment thread is going to be full of people telling me how awesome Iron Eagle was?
Please note, all the pics I got for this piece were taken from here. So shoutout to whatever random person that may be.
Hey kids, I did a redesign to my site, and would love you all to pop over there and check it out, and then pop over here and tell me what you think of it. Any feedback at all would be appreciated. Thanks, homies! To infinity, and BEYOND….
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