Mar 04 2013

Six French Actresses Who Are So Beautiful They May Be Robots

Published by at 10:00 am under Editorials,Lists,Movies

frecnh actreses for unreality

You ever see a human being so beautiful that your brain doesn’t comprehend they are real? Like, no matter how much you stare, your mind just cannot wrap around the scope of that person’s beauty? Someone you find SO BREATHTAKING, that you wish you could dip them in resin and put them on a mantle in your closet, and then take them once a day to fawn over and worship with humility? Oh, um, me either.

Also, why French? Just peep the list and you’ll see. This level of beauty speaks for itself. Also, is this article shallow? Yes. Yes it is, and wonderfully so.

Sophie Marceau

sophes

I am glad I am not the only one who has a room dedicated to pictures of Sophie Marceau. So does she.

So when all the world is burning, and embers of our fallen loved ones are falling like ashen snow around us, Mel Gibson will be known as more than the antisemitic Aussie who had hate issues. He will also be known as the man responsible for introducing America to the stunning Sophie Marceau when he cast her as his love interest in Braveheart. Also, we call that brilliant on his part, even if does like to bite people.

Granted, overseas she was superstar status, but pre-Braveheart not many of us knew of her. But I am man enough to admit I will forever be indebted to Mr. Gibson for revealing this level of Parisian beauty to my eyes.

Audrey Tautou

audrey

I know they are TRYING to evoke Audrey Hepburn with this image, but it’s working.

Ah, sweet Amélie, what is there NOT to love about you? You evoke the ideals of old-school Hollywood (think Golden Age), and you have a pixie-esque charm about you that is undeniable. I know “they” played up your retro charms, and TRIED to remake a Hepburn for the new age, but in all honesty, for the most part, it worked. Atleast on me.

While not as overly sexual as some of the other women on this list, Tautou is the kind of woman you would bring home to Mom, and that, in itself, speaks volumes.

Chloe Coulloud

chloe chloe chloe cant you see

She is the “I can’t get anything done because her beauty distracts me” type of beauty.

You have not seen Livide, and you need to.

It was this woman who inspired this list. I was watching the French horror film (I swear it is not actually Spanish this time) and found Chloe so lovely, it actually was pulling me out of the movie. While I won’t say much about the film in fear of ruining it (think Pan’s Labyrinth meets Let Me In meets Suspiria, with a shit ending on par with High Tension), I will say that the film is wholly worth watching, sans the final shot, especially if for no other reason than to marvel at just how lovely Chloe is.

She is like some sort of painting that somehow came to life, and those eyes. Can’t look away from.Those.Eyes.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5zDOjgTY_A

Sorry, I had to.

Beatrice Dalle

dalle

Long before stealing unborn babies in Inside, Dalle was very much a French sex symbol, and with good reason.

I know we all know Dalle from her gut wrenching performance as the insane woman from the French horror masterpiece, Inside, but make no mistakes. She has been making films for twenty five years now, and at her prime, was very much the Angelina Jolie of French cinema. And when French cinema began evolving into the extreme films it is known for today, Dalle evolved with it. For two examples of this, see Inside and Trouble Every Day, which is one of a handful films that have, for whatever reason, made me physically ill. But make no mistakes about it, this woman oozes scary, primal sexuality. And she is also the woman on the list most likely to kill you after sex, so there’s that.

I know Dalle is not everyone’s cup of coffee (with her sexy ass gap teeth), but I would drink that black. Can’t believe I just wrote that. Wow, sorry about that, everyone with a vagina.

Isabelle Adjani

is a bell

She is so lovely, she cannot be filmed in color because your pupils think it is looking at the sun and they go blind as a response.

So many films are under her belt, so to mention just one one is to sell her career short, but it was the Nosferatu remake that really caused me to sit up and notice her. With her milk white skin and her massive, azure eyes offsetting that, it is hard not to get awed by the level of beauty on display whenever she walks on screen. And like many of the actresses on this list, Adjani was not afraid to take roles that challenged her, and the world’s idea of beauty. Possession, anyone?

Possession is the French equivalent of Jennifer Lawrence doing a movie where she gets possessed by sex demons. In other words, this would never happen over here, which just makes me appreciate Adjani that much more.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTB15PPtMyA

Possession is a fucked up movie I was lucky enough to only recently discover.

Cecile De France

cecile

The only film on this list with an oral sex scene with a decapitated head.

Yes, she is French and her name is Cecile De France. That is like my name being Remy the American. No, wait, her still sounds mysterious and sexy. That just makes me sound as portly and as shiny as I am in real life, which is not a good thing to convey, but I digress.

Cecile is best known (to us) as Maria from High Tension. And though she was lovely in that film for all of five minutes (which includes and oral scene with a chopped off head, and a masturbation scene to reggae music), what we don’t know about Cecile is that she is very much the French Natalie Portman. Loved for her seemingly genuine and sweet disposition, High Tension is only more amazing when you realize this was a woman railing against her former image as a manic pixie dream girl in the most awesomely extreme way possible.

Like, really extreme.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5Sb0Hl-04U

If you are asking where she is in this scene, you clearly have not seen this movie.

And An Honorable Mention:

Well, I can’t do it in good faith because she is Scottish, but I really wanted to put Pollyanna McIntosh on the list for obvious reasons. I love that woman.

polly

She wrote me a poem. Granted, I ASKED her to, but it still counts.





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19 responses so far

  • wilmic

    Cécil de France come from Belgium!!!

  • E. Lee Zimmerman

    Oh, posh. Far too safe & predictable a list! Sophie Quinton rules the universe in Nobody Else But You (aka Poupoupidou). And no Deborah Revy? Good grief! Kudos for getting Béatrice Dalle in there, though.

  • Holo

    Glaring omission – Mélanie Laurent

  • Holo

    Oh, and also Delphine Chanéac

  • DocDoom

    No Marion Cotillard?!?!

    Boo-urns. Boo. Urns.

  • Adam

    Virginie Ledoyen from The Beach

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    Guys, we are all allowed to love different French girls.
    Dammit, solidarity nerds. Solidarity.
    You are too divisive a legion.

  • Caleb K

    I love Sophie Marceau, but the fact that Marion Cotillard and Eva Green are not on this list is borderline criminal.

  • Spleenfarmer

    Audrey Tautou has hearts in her eyes. HEARTS IN HER EYES!!

    Since you didn’t see them, they must be meant for me. Now I will lose myself in them.

    Fin.

  • trashcanman

    As a feminist, I’m offended that you find some women to be physicaly attractive…….yeah, no I keed. I don’t know what the hell it is about French ladies, but damn. The way they hold themselves, the look in their eyes, the manner of speech. They are just doing it right. Also, as a bonus, French cinema does sex scenes SOOOOOOOOOO much better than what we get in America. They don’t necessarily even show any more, they just shoot them in such a way that the sensuality comes through and the performers actually seem to get into it. Contrast that with a film like the otherwise excellent Black Swan, which managed to make Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman (probably two of my top three Hollywood crushes) getting it on seem like “meh”.

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    Alright, I concur this should have been a list of ten with the additions of:
    Marion Cotillard
    Eva Green
    and….

  • shri

    well Mr Remy From Canada… if you want to consider any French speaking actress as French, you should take a look at Marie Gillain, an other Belgian beauty : http://www.cineguns.com/doc/photos/MarieGillain_DzDCQ1.jpg

  • bigpartymaker

    The question is….do they smell like ashtrays?

  • nodachi

    +1 for wilmic, Céclie de France is Belgian…

  • Holo

    Also Julie Delpy.
    Maybe it’s not about them being french.
    Speaking english with a french accent really works for me. :)

  • http://nerd-wiki.de Nerd Wiki

    as child of the 80s my entire childhood kinda revolved around crying into my pillow and masturbating to the thought of Sophie Marceau being my girlfriend…

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    Attention ALL OF UNREALITY:
    Nerd Wiki just beat all of you, all of US, with the greatest comment ever.
    As Paxton would say:
    Game over, man.
    Game over.

    (and Nerd Wiki won)

    Also, I am not Canadian, but think it is awesome someone thinks I am.
    They are a kind, warm, sexy people, so I appreciate that.

  • EvaG

    EVA GREEN is missing! She’s the most beautiful of all und just oozes sex appeal and class!

  • intrakitt

    Someone’s horny.

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