Feb 14 2013

Five Kinds of People that Can’t Possibly Exist in Real Life

Published by at 10:00 am under Editorials,Lists,Television

booty2

Ah, it feels good to rest my hands on a full-size keyboard again.

For the six or so readers who may have noticed my absence, I’ve spent the last couple weeks recovering from a much-needed round of knee surgery. ACL reconstructive + meniscus repair, to be precise. The operation was no picnic, but the real agony started the next day, when I found myself largely immobilized from the waist down. (A fully grown TJ is not meant for captivity, you see—even with Wi-fi and basic cable.)

When I got bored of hazily wading through Fresh Prince  reruns, Adult Swim cartoons,  and alien-based History Channel documentaries (i.e., roughly three days), I reached for my laptop; writing is one of my favorite distractions. But while some prescription drugs might enhance the creative process, I can assure you Percocet isn’t one of them. The foggy pitches I sent Paul during that first week left something to be desired.

PaulTJEmail

Needless to say, I shelved my writing projects for a while. Reading was tabled for similar reasons, so it was back to my favorite nemesis: the TV. Here’s the thing about watching 10+ hours of television per day: it’s impossible to avoid the occasional infomercial. (Especially at 4am, when there’s nothing occasional about them.) And here’s the thing about knee pain that wakes you up at 4am: it makes you temporarily despise everything around you. Even Will Smith.

Oooh, how I grew to hate those infomercials. It’s not that the gadgets they hawk are all completely useless; some are downright legit (hell, I’d buy a Pocket Hose). But most appear to have been directed by lawn furniture and populated by waspy idiots who couldn’t fight their way out of an invisible bag. The result? Painfully first-world scenarios that defy common sense in ways even Perco-Teej could recognize. If these potential customers exist in the real world, our species is doomed sooner than I thought:

1)  Booty Pop – For the duplicitous, celebrity-obsessed narcissist in you (and your butt)

bootypop

According to this commercial, women’s jeans serve exactly one purpose: creating a “bootylicious perky pop” in the ass section, “just like the celebrities.” Well, that’s a retarded way of saying it, but guys have fancied shapely fannies for centuries, and this product achieves one particular version of said fanny. It’s a sad example of our superficial, celebrity-obsessed society, but the advertisement seems harmless enough.

Hey, wait a second…

Until you stop to consider the sort of person Booty Pop is catering to. For starters, this hypothetical woman is already more attractive than average; aside from one terrifyingly jubilant moment at 0:54, all of the models in this infomercial are in pristine physical shape—save for their way-too-flat behinds, of course! This imaginary lady is also lazy, poor, or both, as she’d happily trade “endless squats” or “expensive cosmetic surgery” (i.e., the only other alternatives to adequate ass-poppage) for a polyester solution that comes in the mail.

bootypop2
“Nobody will
ever guess my butt isn’t from African-American descent. Wee!”

Booty Pop panties are also meant to be kept a secret from the opposite sex (at least until the first inevitable ass grab), and if you can keep that secret from your lover for months on end, you probably suck as a person.

2)  The Comfort Wipe – For average-sized people who have trouble reaching their buttholes; are disgusted by their own buttholes

comfortwipe

As long as we’re on the subject, meet the Comfort Wipe. Billed as “the first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s,” this doohickey consists of an “anatomically designed” rod that “extends your reach a full eighteen inches” to help you wipe your butt after stuff comes out of it. Sure, this sounds ridiculous at first, but allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second: personal hygiene is a sensitive subject for people who are super old, fragile, and/or obese. Maybe the Comfort Wipe isn’t the worst solution to an embarrassing problem.

Hey, wait a second…

Thing is, those demographics aren’t the primary focus of this infomercial. Instead, every product demonstration is performed by this woman, who claims “toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting.”

comfortwipe2

Whoever produced this video certainly remembered the #1 rule of advertising: sex sells. Unfortunately, they forgot that this rule only applies to stuff that isn’t used to wipe your butt. You could sell me all day on how useful this thing is at the local nursing home or Doritos expo, but I am yet to meet the moderately-attractive-30-something blonde who is so appalled by her fanny parts that she vehemently keeps them at arm’s length. I simply refuse to believe that woman exists.

3)  Poop Freeze – For when your dog is a huge p*ssy

poopfreeze

Believe me, this wasn’t the angle I was going for, but a surprising number of infomercials have something to do with poop (and what YOU can do about poop!). On paper, the bluntly-named Poop Freeze is a fine idea: nobody likes cleaning up after their dog in public, and frozen turds are easier to pick up than non-frozen ones. But check out ‘Tracy P’s reasons for using the stuff at 0:40.

httpv://youtu.be/73aL_4idVms

Hey, wait a second…

Sorry, trophy wife, but if you’re buying Poop Freeze because your tiny dog “gets nervous” and consistently shits all over the house, the solution to your problem isn’t finding more efficient ways to clean up after it. Better plan: get a new goddamned dog that doesn’t shit all over the house, and enter the old one in a canine version of the Hunger Games. Where it will probably shit itself and lose.*

4)  Stretch Genie – For squeezing into three-inch heels (even if you’re pregnant with twins!)

stretch

This is another product that sounds pretty good on paper. Shoes too tight? Just a few squirts of Stretch Genie, and your piggies get more wiggle room. The infomercial lists off all sorts of practical applications for this stuff: relieving pressure from swollen feet, breathing new life into old shoes, squeezing into high heels when you’re pregnant with twins (skip to 1:00)…

httpv://youtu.be/jJv1BLUH7B0

Hey, wait a second…

Hmm, just when I thought housewives couldn’t get any more desperate. Thank Christ for Stretch Genie, huh? How else could this poor woman expect to teeter around in heels with not one, but two bothersome creatures occupying her cake space??

5)  Forever Lazy – For when you (and your friends) completely stop caring about public appearances at football games

forever lazy

Whelp, nobody pulled any punches with the branding here. If you are what you wear, then Forever Lazy fills the bill, and I can think of no quicker way to lose your peers’ respect than regularly dressing in public like the kid from Where the Wild Things Are.

Where The Wild Things Are movie image

Not pictured: Respect.

Hey, wait a second…

Don’t get me wrong; these things look damn comfortable, and “comfy” always trumps “ridiculous-looking”— when you’re seven. But you wouldn’t expect a (perfectly diverse) group of college coeds to wear these things non-ironically at a tailgating party…

foreverlazy

Well, Forever Lazy would. In fact, at least a few members of their marketing team seem to think ill-fitting fleece pajamas are the next big thing in public fashion. Better than faux butt implants, I guess…

[*To be clear, that wasn't a dog-fighting joke. I don't advocate that stuff.]





More Unreal Posts


9 responses so far

  • Phooka

    I didn’t realize that the Poop freeze stuff was real. It’s not as hilarious as the poo-be-gone spray from the movie Envy, but it’s still great. Probably my favorite awful infomercial ever.
    And I would so read an article about dinosaurs you can’t run away from.

  • Gil

    This is a great welcome back article. Man I miss midnight infomercials.

  • http://www.reddit.com/r/deadspace nico

    Tim & Eric and ADULT SWIM in general throw some good faux infomercials out there. Poop Tube…the list is endless.

  • Adam

    Not only do I own a Forever Lazy, but I wore it all day while home sick yesterday watching a Die Hard marathon AND have worn it out to a bar (with boat shoes). Imagine sitting down on the toilet, fully clothed, save an opening for your posterior during your chilly morning BM.

    **I should add I bought one for all the male members of my family but no one wanted their gag gift. I then took the one I currently posses from this surplus.

  • The Mighty Chesticles

    For a long time, the infomercial for hip-hop abs were the funniest thing ever to me.

  • trashcanman

    Alien-based History Channel documentaries. Something about that combination of words really pissed me off. ‘Kay, from then top:

    1) Ladies, when will you realize that men who don’t like you because your booties doesn’t “pop” or your breasts aren’t big or plasticy enough are not people who are worth your time?

    2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSJQEl5vcAo

    3) Shut up. I’m going to go on pretending I never saw that.

    4) KY could serve a dual purpose rather than buying a separate kind of lube for you stupid too-small shoes. Just saying.

    5) My sides. They hurt. I’d still hang out with those girls, although I’d be afraid people would think I was exploiting special needs people who happen to be hot.

    Funniest article here in a while. Get well soon, man.

  • Tonyctitan

    I often get inspired by things I hate. Your article was one of my favorites of the past couple weeks.

  • TJ Fink

    Many thanks, all! It’s good to be back…
    :D

  • Patrick

    such a funny article, laughed IRL repeatedly. Good job!

Categories

Celebrity Toob

Celebrity Gossip, Pictures, Videos, Net Worth & Bios

Archives