Feb 13 2013
So I was going over my notes for approved articles, and I swear, I thought this said “alien seductions”. I immediately thought I must have been in some haze when I pitched it, and then it slowly dawned on me that it’s actually a pretty good idea for an article. Ofcourse, rationality took over, and it hit me I obviously pitched alien abductions, which, while cool, was decidedly LESS cool than alien seductions. So, I just want you to know that going at this, I am thinking about alien sex this whole time. That may actually bleed into this article, and if that is the case, I’m sorry. That disclaimer out of the way, here are six alien abduction scenes that run the gamut, from chilling to (unintentionally) laughable.
Creepy: Fire in the Sky
Looks kinda like a bandit from Borderlands. Only with more Jacobs Ladder.
I still think this film might have the
sexiest creepiest abduction sequence of all the films on this list. Fire in the Sky was the true (?) story of Travis Walton and his experience being abducted in 1975. Remember, this is not an article about whether any of these are true or realistic (because how the hell would we know?), this is simply an article about abduction scenes, and this one falls into genuinely creepy territory, atleast to me. Getting physically lifted into a craft against your will is bad enough, but then they put some weird, wet sheets (no one likes wet sheets) on you and jam shit all up in your mouth and bum. Basically, it’s all the stuff that happened off screen in the gimp scene from Pulp Fiction.
All the aliens in this film were played bu Danny Devito.
Creepy/Intruiging: Close Encounters of the Third Kind
A picture so iconic to sci fi, I am using it twice in this article. Also known as “I’m lazy” journalism.
For me, this was creepy the first time I saw it because, well, it was supposed to be creepy until you knew the aliens weren’t bad. Ooops, I meant “thirty-five year old spoiler warning!”
Though not as good as the alien sex scenes from Mass Effect, Regardless, it is a scene that still resonates with me as being one of the most iconic scenes from sci fi I remember from my childhood. From the lighting, to the (fucking perfect) sound design, the scene when the aliens make abduct Barry from his home is just a stellar example of the genre done right. Man, remember how good Spielberg used to be? George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s most recent films stand as testimonials to the fact that you do, indeed, lose touch when you get old.
Still, little can top this scene. I get chills every time I see it.
I play those four notes on my guitar every night, and still, nothing.
Alright, now we are foraying into the silly category.
Creepy to Crappy: The Fourth Kind
All you have to do is take a photo of someone mid-bed-jump to get this same affect.
I would totally bang Mila when she was the orange haired alien in The Fifth Element. There are few things I hate more than when a film outright lies about its content. For this film to imply the footage of the counseling sessions was taken from real sessions was a laugh to me, but some idiots ate it up. And then the convoluted explanation they gave for all the events (hey, let’s involve OWLS, that’s makes f*cking sense) was even worse. While the actual footage of the abductions (possessions? whatever..) were sort of creepy, the whole film sucked and seeped such bullshit, I couldn’t enjoy a single moment of it.
Sorry this footage is of footage. I know that is odd, but the Illuminati won’t allow actual clips of these shots being used, in fear more people will actually see this shitty film.
I love how they mask their own movie with shitty VHS quality to detract from the fact that it sucks.
Speaking of shitty abductions and crappy Youtube footage…
Slingshot Silly: The Forgotten
My God, this movie was shitty. And silly.
And the alien sex scenes sucked. And nonsensical. Hey, aliens took all your children for some stupid reason my brain doesn’t care to remember. But, as silly as it was, the way the aliens abducted people in that film really stuck with me. I know some people laugh at it (as you can hear in the only video clip I could find), but something about being pulled into space without warning, over millions of miles in mere seconds, probably shattering all your bones to dust in the process, oddly memorable. When you realize it is actually aliens pulling people into space to erase them the condomless mindf*ck begins, and not in a good way. Mindrape, maybe?
Again, sorry for the shitty footage, but even Youtube knows better than to have real versions of this scene. Honestly, of all the abductions methods mentioned above, this method looks like the most fun, human slingshot style.
You add some ragdoll physics to this, and it is the closest we will ever come to “Skyrim Glitch: The Movie.”
Award for Pure WTF: Communion
They are checking his D.N.A because even aliens know he had something to do with Natalie Wood’s death.
Pretty sure this IS an alien sex scene, and I don’t even need to put an HTML line through this sentence.
Chris Walken is weird. I am weird. For this reason alone, I really like Chris Walken. And for the most part, when he is utilized correctly (Seven Psychopaths, Dead Zone), he is a force to be reckoned with. But when he is miscast, and the movie itself is also subpar, as is the case with Communion (based on the supposed true story of Whitley Strieber), it fails miserably. Take this abduction (?) scene for example.
It may be the one of the best/worst things ever made. I am still not even sure what I feel about it.
I think the moment the alien “peeks” around the corner at Walken is the minute
I get an erection they lose me.
Like, honestly, what is going on there?
And To End The List On A Musical Note: AWOL Nation
I know this is a music video, but in some senses, this is one of the better abductions on the list. And truth be told, I really dig the song
. It has a good beat to have sex with an alien to. Plus, in my kingdom of subpar brain spewings, there are no rules.
Extra points for the originality of the “slow abduction”.
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