Feb 13 2013

Dear Water Level: It’s Over

Published by at 11:00 am under Editorials,Video Games

watertemple

Dear Water Level:

I wish I could say “it’s not you, it’s me,” but that would be a lie. It’s you. It’s totally you.

I’ll be the first to admit, I should have known better. I should have walked away the moment you spat my lovable plumber out of a pipe and into your cold, wet hell with absolutely no warning. When it became readily apparent my clumsy floundering was no match for the gracefully sweeping squid and her merry band of demon children, I should have turned my back on you.

Super-Mario-Bros

But you know what? I have a thing for bad boys. And musicians. And holy hell, did you deliver the music. Like sweet promises to “never do it again” while still indulging the habit you were swearing to break, you lured me back to watery arms with dulcet tones.

You laid the catchy hooks on thick, yet managed the smoothest of “flows,” if you’ll pardon the expression. You delivered songs so futuristically retro, I felt like I was time traveling to the past of some distant planet.

httpv://youtu.be/ODAE3D9Md_I

And sometimes, I’d be so enamored with your musical stylings I’d find myself sitting cross-legged on the floor of my bedroom, controller lightly grasped in my relaxed hands, eyes glazed, lulled into a hypnosis so complete I’d barely have time to register my spiky-haired hedgehog had long since stopped impatiently tapping his foot and was ABOUT TO DROWN.

They say Niagara Falls has a similar effect.

They say Niagara Falls is also a bastard. Well maybe not “they,” but whatever, I knew someone who went over in a barrel, ok? I think I have it on pretty good authority.

Don’t get me wrong. We had some good times, too. There were those rare occasions when you’d give me controls that were actually intuitive, when you’d use the water to slow me down in a way that made sense; when you’d present me with a challenge instead of a burden to bear until the next level, a test instead of a grueling trial.

Shadow-of-The-Colossus-1080p-Hydrus-Dragon-6

There were moments when water would heighten the tension to really serve the story. But let’s be honest, those moments were few and far between. Mostly you were there to offer up a lazy change in gameplay in the name of variety and in service to some “developer.”

I wasted some of the best years of my hand-eye coordination development on you. But the joke’s on you, pal. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Or in this case, what kills you a bunch the first few times you play it makes you memorize where all the warp whistles are so you can just skip that world entirely.

Well guess what? Mama’s got a warp whistle.

Love (Not),

Sara

PS. I’m also seeing someone else. I think you’ve met, actually—Escort Mission?





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11 responses so far

  • DocDoom

    Woman. Whoa, man. I myself do wake up sweating from time to time, with the “drowning countdown” music from Sonic beating in my head. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

  • Frothy_Ham

    I’m in the minority in that the Water Temple is one of my favorites in Zelda:OOT…never understood the hate for it at all.

    I agree that most water levels in general are crap though.

  • XenoIrish

    The worst was the first Devil May Cry, where it went from 3D action platformer to claustrophobic underwater FPS.

    • http://saraclemens.com Sara Clemens

      Ugh, reminds me of Metroid Prime. Underwater and FPS should not go together.

      Frothy_Ham, in spite of my choice of header pic, I actually loved the Water Temple too. On subsequent playthroughs I’ve found it to be pretty much an annoying time-waster, but the first time, puzzling it through? I was all about it. Spirit will always have my heart, though.

  • trashcanman

    So. Much. Yes. But there is one thing I hate more than a water level (add an oxygen meter for maximum annoyance factor!), and that is water being instant death. Red Dead Redemption, anyone? How does a game of the year free roam game still get away with water being equivalent to water? Also, I may be showing my age here, but does anyone remember Spider-Man/X-Men: Arcade’s Revenge on the SNES? The one where you think “Awesome, I’m going to control Storm!” and then it turns out her entire section of the game is one endless water level that pretty much negates her powers? Great design choice.

  • james

    Yes. Water levels are never ok. I dont know why they’re even still created. Has anyone ever met someone that loved a water level? Of course not.

  • DocDoom

    Ha, I still have my copy of “Arcade’s Revenge”. I hate that game. Start a level with a giant bolder coming after you! Was that Cyclops? Or Gambit? You know what, that game is impossible and I hate it. Who cares.

    • http://saraclemens.com Sara Clemens

      DocDoom, you’re a national treasure. Laughed so hard. Who cares.

  • Steve2

    I’ve beaten Sonic 2,3 and S&K hundreds of times. I still have not beaten Sonic 1. Why? The water level.

  • selkie

    Ugh, nightmares over the water level in that one old school TMNT game. They are TURTLES for the love of all things holy, why can’t they hold their breath longer???? Whenever anyone brings up water levels, this game must be included. >_@

  • Mauribanger

    You should try the water levels of Rayman Origins, they may be a little hard, but the controls are very good.

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