Jan 09 2013
I can honestly say my year long stint as a music reviewer was one of my strangest jobs I’ve ever had, and I have had a great deal of strange jobs. At one point, an entire Country wanted me dead for giving their pop idol a bad review. And then there were those occasions I was “encouraged” to say good things about certain artists, but just couldn’t bring myself to, and got shit for it. Still, though, I loved the job, and will always have a place in my heart for writing about music. But the really interesting thing about reviewing music was, in 2012, I got to see it all. And there was one video that blew my mind more than any other, and in the process, inspired this list.
It was a song called Time To Dance, by a group called The Shoes. And the video starred Jake Gyllenhaal as a guy who kills hipsters. And the thing was, it was violent, and it was awesome. It also got me wondering how many other videos exist where celebrities play against how they are usually typecast, and thus the hunt began. This list is the end result of that hunt. And the scale here is quite impressive. From Zach Galifianakis in bed with Fiona Apple, to Turd Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All, i think there is something here for every type of fanboy.
Jake Gyllenhaal Kills Hipsters in The Shoes Time To Dance
In all honesty, I reviewed this in between a Ke$ha song, and a Chris Brown song, and I swear it saved my life that day.
You ever been at one of those hipster parties, where everyone around is annoying the shit out of you? Smoking without any regard for who is around them, or grinding on the couch next to you, sickening you with each thrust of their hips? And you know that moment in your head where you imagine shooting everyone, or stabbing them, or whatever? I know I can’t be the only one who has moments like that, because that is the whole basis for this music video. Jake Gyllenhaal killing hipsters. And honestly, he gets that Donnie Darko look in his eye in a few of these scenes, and I can’t help but like him more as the result of it. Truthfully, this video and Source Code are two of the best things this man has done since Donnie Darko, and they both happened within a few years of each other.
This was definitely one of the best videos released in 2012, and it is my duty to share it with you people. Come to find out, Jake does this crap all the time for indie bands.
Also, the fact that the underlying theme of the video is he kills people because he can’t dance is f*cking sublime.
Zach Galifianakis As A Lover in Fiona Apple’s Not About Love
As sick as it seems to say, I would watch these two have sex.
This one actually started out as a sort of project the two were doing, just for fun (they are good friends in real life) but the rumor is that they both loved the final product so much, and it sat in such juxtaposition of what the song was actually about, that they released it as the actual video. What I love about this video is that so many people talk shit about Fiona Apple being so serious and sullen all the time, and the fact that she is good friends with Zach Galifianakis proves she has to be down for some silly, irreverent shit, which is just the side of her this video shows us.
Truthfully, I feel a slight jealousy for the obvious chemistry that these two inexplicably have, and would have never suspected it had I not seen it with my own two eyes.
How she is looking at him right now is how most woman look at me when I am in bed with them.
Kristen Bell Cares For Her Mutant Pet In Yeasayer’s Madder Red
This creature symbolizes how I would look standing next to Kristen Bell.
How have you not seen this video? I will openly admit, I love Kristen Bell. I think she is sweet, sunshine-kissed magic. And seeing this video of her, and the mutant she loves and treats as a pet (or boyfriend, I can’t quite tell), and how it becomes ill, and how she tries to make it all better, only made me love her more. This is the kind of thing that makes a freak like me think he has a chance with her. But I digress on all that personal insanity for a second, the video is just insane and amazing.
First of all, what the f*ck is that thing? Second of all, how did she acquire it? And third, how is it so lucky that it gets to wake up with Veronica Mars? Lucky, mutant blob. I know the whole thing has a vein of satire through it, but she plays it so real, and it is just so awesome, I get swept up in it. Oh, and that final shot? Best final shot to a video EVAR!
It was brave of her boyfriend, Dax Shepard, to appear in the video as is. Love IS blind.
Christina Hendricks as the Robo-Vixen in Broken Bell’s The Ghost Inside
She really is so stunning she could be made out of rocketships and space dreams.
Ah, it feels nice to bring this beauty back home where she deserves to be. You know at Unreality we have MUCH love for Christina Hendricks. She is everything that makes a woman a woman. She has skin, and bones, and can talk and stuff. But on top of that, she carries with her a kind of classic Hollywood beauty, and she has the kind of curves me only dream about. But all that aside, she is awesome, too. She picks great films (Drive ftw), is an absolute staple on Mad Men. And on top of that, takes the time to do awesome stuff like star in this video, which seems to give a slight nod to her Firefly roots. (But see if you can spot her in this old Everclear video, just for shits and giggles)
I also feel the need to admit that I am really biased about Broken Bells (lead singer of The Shins with producer Danger Mouse’s collaboration) and how awesome they are, because I was lucky enough to meet the guys in Providence after a show for played with Ra Ra Riot (who my cousin in bassist of), and they were the two nicest guys you can imagine, so the fact that they made a video this great, with a woman this amazing, only makes me hold them in higher regard. You notice I have said that about everyone on this list? That shows you the adoration I have for music. Here, I will sing you a dubstep song I am working on right now: Wub WUUUUUb wub wub WUB WUB WUB. Sick, huh? Claptrap is doing the remix, yo!
He drops the bass as if he were carrying something hot.
Alright, sorry for that slight masturbatory name drop no one cared about, but I have wanted to do that for awhile now, and will never do it again, I promise.
In my dirtiest nerd dreams, this is how Samus looks when I take off her helmet.
Bijou Phillips as Herself in Broken Social Scene’s Sweetest kill
Man, I have had so many bad relationships end this exact way.
Alright, I will confess, this video made this other list I did of disturbing videos as well, but with good reason. how often do you get to see an indie darling dismembering someone? Frankly, not as much as I would like. I also found myself coming back to this video because of just how lovely the cinematography is. Granted, the subject matter is very tough to take for some, but the ethereal quality of the song, paired with the deranged acts of Bijou in the video, strike a strange duality in me that makes it impossible to look away.
If only actually being dismembered by a jilted lover could be so serene.
Only the greatest psychopaths of all lay out plastic before they cut someone up. Shout out to Patrick Bateman.
Sarah Michelle Gellar in Stone Temple Pilot’s Sour Girl
Okay, so you have Scott Weiland, Buffy, and some Teletubbies, all on LSD, dancing in a world that looks like it was created by Tim Burton.
Wow, I almost forgot about how much this video used to trip me out. What do you even say about it?
Scott Weiland was on a great deal of heroin at the time, and this all made sense to him. How he got Sarah Michelle Gellar to be all sexy up in his grill, I will never know, but I do clearly recall the story about how Scott Weiland’s girlfriend was on set and was being an absolute pain in everyone’s ass, and wouldn’t ALLOW the stars to have an actual “kissing” scene, which is why it is all ” so close but no go” throughout the video.
Regardless of all the info I just flooded you with, it was a cool, freaky video that made about as much sense as answering your iron in an attempt to change the channel on your TV.
Yes, consuming hallucinogens before viewing it makes this video a great deal more entertaining.
Other Noteworthy Celeb Cameos:
Natalie Portman in this:
There really are no words. And the best part, she dated this dude. This guy was INSIDE Natalie Portman at one point. Fate has a cruel sense of humor, huh?
Bruce Willis as the ultimate badass in Stylo from The Gorillaz.
This video is the best Die Hard never made.
The best people from 90′s Nick JR in The XYZ Affair’s All My Friends. Turd Ferguson for the epic, all time, win.
Salute Your Shorts, Clarissa Explains It All, The Adventures Of Pete and Pete, AND Marc Summers. God must be real, because this is all too amazing for me to believe otherwise.
Also, follow me here and read me here. I have a penchant for giving away stuff lately, you could get some Remshwag. Wow, that sounds like some sort of disease you transmit from a hooker with a runny nose and one leg. Need to work on marketing a bit, I think.
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