Dec 31 2012
HK-47 from Knights Of The Old Republic
Thanks to this beautiful piece of machinery, I now refer to people I hate as “meatbags”.
If anyone acts like HK-47 is not one of the best, non-canon characters to ever populate the Star Wars universe, I want nothing to do with you. HK-47 was, in every way. the anti-Jar Jar, He was not cute. He was not lovable or silly. He was a droid who hated humans as much as some humans hate humans. He was also snark, rude, and super badass. Everything most of us have ALWAYS wanted from Star Wars characters. And the traits none of us got in any of the Star Wars sequels. Hell, even Sam Jackson was unbadass in the Star Wars preuquels And do you know how hard it is to make Sam Jackson seem NOT badass? That is why HK-47 was the ultimate. He had the visual allure of a Boba Fett, and the dry wit of a hate fueled, alcoholic British person. What is there not to love about that? So give him a game, I don’t care what it is.
I realize that the likelihood of this is flickering at about 0%, but, now that Disney has the reins, and they have handled owning Marvel wonderfully, perhaps some awesome exec will give the people what they want. Hell, someone make an HK-47 insult generator for the internet and my soul will be appeased.
Psycho Mantis from Metal Gear Solid
If you play it on your PC, he checks you cookies, and says: Fan of Brazzers, and then calls you a pervert and you get the blue screen of death.
Why can’t we play as the bad guy, just this once? While HK-47 was bad in a moral sense, he was not an enemy in the game, but Psycho Mantis is. I realize playing as boss from an earlier game in a series would seem like an insane move, but can anyone argue just how blown your mind was during that Psycho Mantis fight, the very first time you played it on the Playstation? I still feel like, outside of Eternal Darkness for Gamecube, there is no game out there that screws with the players head as much as this single boss fight against Psycho Mantis. He reads your memory card to mess with you, and reads your controller inputs and reverses them. Still, a decade later, no one has touched that level of technological brilliance in a game. So how about we adopt that as a play mechanic? We read minds to learn how to take down our enemies, perhaps?
The idea could be that you are a younger Psycho Mantis, working on honing your psychic power, and the game is a stealth based game where you have telekinetic powers. Does anyone remember the AWESOME Xbox game, Psy-Ops? Well, like that, but twenty hours long, and with more mind reading. Hell, if Konami REALLY loved us, they could even let us play the Solid Snake battle from Mantis’ perspective. Don’t act like that would not be a blast, because we both know better. Poke him in his eye patch, and shit like that.
Mysterous Stranger from Fallout Series
He is like a realistic version of a Final Fantasy summon.
Okay, so if you played through New Vegas, you probably encountered the Mysterious Stranger, who would appear out of nowhere and blow the brains out of whatever you were fighting at that time. He would be donned, head to toe in cool, 1950′s style, detective noir fashion, and looked like a character more befitting of L.A Noire than Fallout. But there was something so awesome about this character, and even though giving him his own game would sort of kill the “Mysterious” title from his moniker, who wouldn’t want to play through the Fallout universe as a badass, gun-toting detective? Well, a great deal of people, actually. But I would want to play that game, and thankfully, I am the one writing this.
And I know I am not the only one who digs the Mysterious Stranger (gayest sentence I ever wrote, maybe?) because there have been many mods and many pieces of fan art that pay homage to this old-school, cool guy.
A Few Others:
Alyx Vance from Half Life series: Oh, what a shocking concept. A fully clothed, amazing female lead. Can we make this happen, please?
Pigsy from Odyssey: Journey To The West. I know no one played this game, and I know Pigsy got his own DLC, but I swear, if this dude got his own game, the world would eat it up like little piggies.
It could also be called: Danny DeVito, The Game.
Francis from Left 4 Dead: I know that is two Valve characters, but I would even be happy if they put Francis and Alyx in an interracial love simulation game. Wow. Even I can’t believe I just typed that.
King of all Cosmos from Katamari series. Whether rolling balls or taking them on the chin, I would play this game to death. And you know it would have the best soundtrack EVAR!
This could be the game. Cow Watcher. And I would still buy it, full price and at the midnight release.
Pey’j from Beyond Good and Evil. Okay, so apparently I have a fetish for fat, pig-like (or actual pig) men. Who knew? But Pay’j was amazing, and I think he should have his own game. Survive the Bacon Farm or something.
Also, for anyone NOT gagging on my terrible writing yet, pop over to my site and see my choices for best movies of the year. My list might surprise you. Who am I kidding, it might enrage you.
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