Dec 31 2012
I am not normally a fan of the spin off. You see the spin off most on television, and for whatever reason, the characters who get spin offs are often weak, and the shows flounder and die rather quickly, and often, justifiably. Think about it, for all the side characters on Family Guy, why would you anyone have given a show to Cleveland? REALLY? People would rather see a Cleveland show than a Quagmire show? No way, no way in Hell. Yet, in video games, there are often secondary characters you interact with whom you enjoy more than the protagonist you are playing as, and you rarely see spin off games, and when you do, it is like: The Third Behind The Main Guy In That One Game, The Game. Who wants to play that?
I say secondary spinoffs should happen more, but with much more appealing characters. In the last decade of gaming, I can count a great number of times that a characters string of missions would be over, and I would actually be sad I would not get to interact with that person again, virtual or not. Again, that may hint at the huge mental problems I have, as oppose to being a testament to the fact that these characters deserve their own games, but I bet there will atleast be a couple on the list that you agree with. Come on, who can dislike HK-47? No one, no one I want to be around, anyway.
Tiny Tina from Borderlands 2
I swear, every time she used the term “badonkadonk” a pixelated angel got its wings.
Ah, the wonderful little demolitions expert that inspired this list, Tiny Tina is everything that makes fetch quests less sucky. Seriously, there was something so spastic, yet palpably crazy and enjoyable about Tiny Tina that I can say, without apprehension, that Tiny Tina’s Tea Party was one of my favorite missions and gaming moments of 2012. I know it was Paul’s too, because he has it on his list. And Gearbox knows they have something special here, because they brought Tina back for the Mr Torque’s Campaign Of Carnage DLC, much to the joy of many Borderlands 2 fans. But I say we take it a bit further. This awesome little chicklet needs her own game.
The angle here would be easy. Tiny Tina loves things that go boom, right? She could easily get a dope “indie” style game, or an IOS strategy game. Think a game like Demolition City, but instead of buildings, it is bandit encampments. Give me two hundred plus levels of blowing shit up, with awesome Tiny Tina lines shouted out the whole time, and I am good. It would be even better if she became a playable character, but I know that is a long shot. But I mean, think of it. You could play the three stages of her life. Tiny Tina, Adult Tina (more jaded, less explosive) and Elderly Tina, by which point she is part android, with rocket launcher arms and stuff. Sorry, went off on a tangent there.
And don’t even get me started on how much I love Claptrap, but he gets his own game, and he will no longer be the Borderlands mascot, and that is just not okay. Also, for the people who like to point out that they find Claptrap annoying. Yes, that just means he is working. That is kind of the point of the character.
Brucie from GTA4
Brucie seems like the kind of guy who would’ve emailed you the “Two Girls, One Cup” video and told you to “make sure you make it to the end”.
Alright, hear me out. Again, I know Brucie was annoying. But much like Claptrap, in being annoying, he became incredibly amusing. He is every person you would HATE to hang out with in real life, times ten. He is loud, crass, overwhelming, and you know he smalls like Axe body spray, which is just not okay. But think for a minute how over-the top, balls-to-the-wall a Brucie action game would be. Make him like a Max Payne dude on a serious downward spiral. Make it so we HAVE to shoot up with steroids throughout the course of the game to maintain the character’s physical shape. Hell, notch up the crazy to ten.
Rockstar is known for making incredibly realistic games. So how about we go in the other direction? The crazier Brucie gets, the weirder and darker that the shit around him looks. So while the enemies may be thugs in the first level, by the tenth level, when you are riddled with dementia, they look like clowns, or demons. Or even demon clowns. And to top it off, when you end the game, you find out the whole game was a fevered drug hallucination, and Brucie just killed half of the city as a result of it. BAM! I would play the shit out of that.
Mordin from Mass Effect Series
Is it weird that I hear him singing every time I close my eyes?
Alright, slight spoiler here for those who don’t know, so run away if you don’t know he dies in Mass Effect 3. Oops.
Seriously, though, everyone I know who played this series, start to end, had different things to say about their time with it, but everyone I talk to about the series talks about Mordin like that one amazing Uncle everyone had, who died way too young. We ALL loved Mordin. People who played the game as a villainous bastard loved Mordin. People who played the game as passive as an ass-hamster loved Mordin. Like, everyone f*cking loved Mordin. So I have a crazy idea. Give us some more time with him.
Tell me more of his story, perhaps through an awesome, JRPG? Mordin isn’t an “action star”, so don’t ruin what we love about him by forcing him into a game that will skew how we look at him. Instead, give us something text heavy, with a great deal of awesome, flat monologues delivered by the man himself. Maybe we can go back in his life, help him with some of his science discoveries that would go onto the change the universe in the Mass Effect series? I don’t care, just give me more time with him. PLEASE??? I NEVER SAID GOODBYE.
*Storms out of room, weeping like a child.
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