Dec 17 2012
Black Christmas (Original)
This is how my Grandmother and her cat spend Christmas, too.
What I love so much about the original Black Christmas was the fact that it really was, in many ways, the first slasher flick, setting up tropes that have been used, time and time again in the genre. It was based off some real killings that had happened around Christmas in Quebec a few years earlier, and it also used some of the creepiest urban legend tropes available to them, most notably “the calls are coming from inside the house”, which was wonderfully creepy back in an era before cell phones. Also, the “see through the eyes of the killer” shot was utilized in this movie, and though it had before, became a trope in horror itself as the result of this film.
So for those horror nerds who all say Halloween is the first and best, Halloween is a great film, but would not exist without Black Christmas, which came out four years earlier. We need to give nods to the Grandfathers, because without them, the sons would not exist.
Tales From The Crypt: The Robert Zemeckis Collection
Of all the movies mentioned, you are looking at the Santa who f*cked me up the most, mentally.
Alright, not so much a movie as a show, but few can argue just how creepy the And All Through The House episode of Tales From The Crypt was. That Santa, played by Larry Drake is, to me, the scariest Santa on the list. Or pretty much in the world. Perhaps it is because I saw it so young, but there was just something very real about how he played a psychopath. I know it was a play off of Silent Night, Deadly Night, which is why that movie is not on this list, but I actually preferred this episode over that entire film. And the thing is, Zemeckis touched on the Christmas thing in two OTHER episodes as well, but none worked quite as well as the first time he struck Christmas gold.
Didn’t see it? Well, here, Merry Christmas!
You have to seek out the second half on your own, and it is well worth it.
On The Naughty List (As In These Suck)
Jack Frost: Pretty sure a giant snowman rapes Shannon Elizabeth in the shower in this movie. Under no circumstances is this ever okay. Unless she owes a snowman money. Just kidding. Seriously, super kidding on that one.
Now that I look at it with unbiased eyes, I can see she was fisting him, which is just as aggressive a sexual act.
Elves: This is a movie about Nazi-bred killer elves, and a renegade department store Santa who needs to stop them. It may sound “b-movie awesome” but it is pure shit. With fruitcake in it. And we all know fruitcakes shits are the worst. Well, actually, none of us know that because no self respecting person eats fruitcake, but we can safely bet that must make for an unpleasant bathroom run.
Well, here’s wishing you all the merriest of Holidays. I, for one, celebrate Kwanzaa, and it is going to be a rager this year. If you want to hear my Christmas stories, stay tuned over here for the real juicy stuff. In the mean time, here’s hoping your days are merry and bright. Or bloody and screamy. That is up to you, I guess.
Had to make a Bad Santa nod here. I am sure you all understand.
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