Dec 12 2012
Last Summer I saw an alien craft with my girlfriend. It was easily one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in my life, and I will never forget it. Also, though, I won’t really talk about it. Doing that sorta stuff just sets you up to be mocked. Instead, I will focus on something just as mock-worthy, but far more easy to swallow. I remember once, when I was a kid during the holidays, one of my relatives asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I said a space ship. I can remember all the drunk adults laughing at how “cute” that was, and I remember being so filled with rage that I could feel my little-kid face getting beet-red.
Who were they to laugh at my dreams? I wanted to fly through the solar system, blasting stray comets out of the sky in an attempt to save planets and other sentient ships. Truth is, that is still my dream. I know it is lofty, but I do enough drugs that it is not a completely unreasonable dream to have. In retrospect, I am pretty sure the ships on this list are half the reason I ever had the dream at all. Truth be told, the ships on this list are the reason I never let that dream die. I WILL be a spaceship one day, mark my words. And the galaxy will be my b*tch. I have no idea what that means, but I have been delusional for a few days, so I am keeping it. WOOHOO, SPACESHIP TIME, YO!
The Mothership from Close Encounters
She is massive and all powerful. Rumor has it this ship inspired Oprah’s career.
It may seem odd to you for me to start a list about spaceships with a massive spaceship that only makes a minor cameo, but you need to understand, it was the scale that blew me away. I saw this movie very young, and I saw it many times as the result of being one of the few VHS cassettes we owned growing up. For me, the Mothership in Close Encounters of the Third Kind came to represent the passive, watchful eye of a Mother to me. And Seeing the scope of the ship as it hovers above the desert was an awe inspiring moment in film.
I know for scale, most nerds like me would go with the Star Destroyer from the intro of Star Wars, but that (undeniably awesome) scene has been talked to death at this point, and Mothership gets very little love, even though she is sweet and likes simple melodies, which no other ship on this list can claim.
Event Horizon from Event Horizon
The design for the ship was based off archaic gynecology tools. Okay, I made that up. Sorry.
If Mothership is the sweet embrace of a Mother, then the Event Horizon is the swift punch in the face from an abusive Dad. It really is the other extreme of the Mothership. A ship that feels much more patriarchal and evil in its energy. Well, that undersells it a bit. This ship is what would happen if the Overlook hotel from the Shining could fly through space. And again, some of you may fault me for putting this year, seeing as to how I seem to have a fetish for ships that just sort of sit there, floating in the sky, and not really doing much else. But honestly, a ship’s design isn’t all about exterior, people. The INSIDE of the Event Horizon was like some badass, high-tech nightmare. Gothic architecture mixed with futuristic flare. Honestly, there is very little like it in all of science fiction.
That unforgettable moment when you finally reach a spaceship’s G-spot.
To convey “cold and badass” on the outside is one thing, but to help further that with the interior design really pushes that feeling and makes it that much more believable to the audience. And for all the cool, good-guy ships that seem to permeate science fiction, it is nice to have a huge, lumbering serial killer in there, just sort of waiting for its next victims, hovering in the darkness like a hungry angler fish would, flicking its light, just so.
Slave 1 from Star Wars Series
There is a sticker on the back that says “Carbonite for LIFE!”
Picking one ship from the Star Wars universe is such a massive challenge, for a multitude of reasons. One, you know no matter which one you pick, someone is going to tell you that you suck and picked the worst one. Star Wars fans are fickle like that. Two, it is almost like trying to pick a favorite child. You sort of love them all so much that, no matter which direction you go, it’s Sophie’s Choice. Yes, I just compared picking a favorite spaceship in Star Wars to picking which one of your kids you would let die at the concentration camps. Told you in the intro I have been delusional for a few days, just ride it out. I heard I am fun when I am like this. Yet, it was the voices in my head telling me that, so take it with a grain of salt.
Anyway, Slave 1 was Boba Fett’s ship, as most of you are well aware. And even though he kinda fell into the mouth of a big hole with teeth in the desert (spare me your extended universe ‘he stayed alive down there then shot his way out” garbage. As the original writer penned it, he fell into the Sarlac pit and died the most anticlimatic death EVAR!) but still, his ship was badass to the max. I mean, what is up with that shape and how it shifts itself when it flies? Cooltastic times EXTREME! His son would later have a similar ship or something, but honestly, who cares?
Starbug from Red Dwarf
Now that is a ship you can hang out and share a pint with.
This one may rile some feathers, but it will also bring some Red Dwarf fans out to support me, so I will gladly take the risk.
While some may not think of the Starbug as particularly “badass”, you have to note the originality of the design, which is why I placed it on the list. While most science fiction spaceships pride themselves on looking sleek and futuristic and fast, Spacebug has always struck me as the spaceship I would most likely own. I mean, if you guys think writers actually make money, you have some real disinformation about the field. I would naturally assume if I ever had space bucks, which we all know is what you call money while you are in space, realistically, I wouldn’t have a lot. And you know a used Spacebug would be just within my range, which I am more than happy with.
Also, just by mentioning it here, I hope Red Dwarf finds some more love, because that show was awesome, and doing funny sci fi is just something Brits do marvelously.
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