Dec 10 2012
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (Hate Him For Being Different, Then Like Him Once We Can Use Him To Our Benefit)
“ So I am into dudes, but I use dentistry as a metaphor and somehow they STILL banish me. Sucks to be us, broseph.”
Rudolph was treated like a mutant. Like he was some gypsy woman, born with six breasts (also known as Breastnu, the only Goddess I pray to). Even his own Father (played super-alpha-male-style) was quick to rub some dirt on his kid’s shnoz so other people wouldn’t know he was different. They hid him away, and lied about him. So, in essence, it is like they had a multi-racial baby and were hiding it away and out fear and shame. Wow, that is heady stuff.
And then, we have Hermey (note HER right there in HIS name* sarcasm font*). He is an elf, and elves make toys, but Hermey wants to be a dentist. Hermey doesn’t want to make toys. He wants to be inside other elve’s mouths. Wow, I could have worded that differently. Sorry. Anyway, as a result of this, Hermey is banished for
being gay wanting to be work with teeth. Ofcourse, these two meet up and go on an epic road trip. Don’t even get me started on the rag tag group of misfits that they all end up forming. Most badass Avengers lineup EVAR!
” Yo, Cornelius. It would SO MUCH LESS RAPEY if you didn’t lick the end of that thing like it was a p****. There are kids around, dude.”
I mean, really, by the end they are hanging out with f*cking Yeti’s, so to say shit gets epic is an understatement, but the sad thing is, the bad guys prevail. You see, they only accept Rudolph once they realize that his mutant nose could benefit them. Suddenly, all the male reindeer and trying to act like him, and the females be walking up, spraying him with musk and shit. Wait, not musk and shit, literally. That would be uber-creepy. Either way, he becomes a rockstar overnight for all the wrong reasons, and never holds any of his bullies accountable for laughing him into hiding as a child.
Grinch would have slow roasted those deer if that was him. Also, in this world, there is an island for “misfit toys”. What that decodes to is that they banish things that are different to far away isolated land masses where they will die of loneliness and starvation. Aw, I LOVE Christmas!
Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas (They Are Poor And Starving To Death)
They may be muppets, they may not be real, but my God they are one of my favorite bands ever.
Okay, I really can’t say too much negative (or hypothetical) about this special because it is the best of the best. The top of the crop. But I think we all know what the issue was here. Emmet just wanted to make some music, that ish was in his blood, but he and his Mama were REALLY poor, and suffered some injustices at the hands of, wait for it, The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. I know they were the bad guys, and they complicated Emmet and his poor Mama’s life so much, but my God, something in me, something primal, responded to them. They were the most badass band ever. And they weren’t even real people. Though I read somewhere that bear actually did knock up Jewel.
They never showed it on screen, but the band was known for hosting day-long, celebrity filled orgies.
In the end, Emmet and his soulful band (who were the precursor for the Soggy Bottom Boys from Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. I just made that up but it feels true to me) may have lost the talent show, but they got the job to perform nightly at the restaurant, which meant getting some income, which meant not starving to death, which meant, they won. But the unspoken implication if they did not win and he didn’t get hired was that Emmet and his Mama were going to slowly starve and freeze to death for the sake of music. How’s that for a merry Christmas? WE ARE THE 99%!
Twas The Night Before Christmas: Some jaded little mouse wrote a mean letter to Santa, and now Santa is all pissed off and might cancel Christmas. In what sick world can a mouse write hate letters to humans? A world I want no part of.
The mouse even looked like a prick.
Santa Clause Is Coming To Town: Two words: The Burgermeister. That dude and his massive chin haunts my dreams. Heat Miser is my jam, though. Love that song.
So what did I miss? I almost brought up that Alf special with the dying girl, but I can barely remember it. Also, do you guys and gals have any articles you would like to see written, pop on over to my site and drop me a line. You never know, you could be a muse, disguised as a nerd. That’s pretty common, actually.
See, I am friends with Jesus. This article was just for laughs. Even he liked it.
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- 15 of the Most Badass Santas Around