Nov 20 2012

Seven Cool Items I Wish Were Real, and Why That’s a Bad Idea

Published by at 1:12 pm under Lists,Movies,Television

While there’s no great story without a good setting, believable characters, and interesting conflict, props sometimes play an equally important role. In fact, many movies, video games, and TV shows revolve entirely around certain important objects or mystical items at times.

The items are usually powerful and dangerous. And awesome. I always think to myself how cool it would be if these items really existed. But then I realize how awful an idea that would be.

7. Senzu Beans, Dragon Ball Universe

Grown by cat-like Korin atop Korin Tower, these small beans have the ability to return an injured person to full health. In addition to this, a single bean will keep the average person free from hunger for up to ten days.

Inventory is usually small since even a single bean takes quite a long time to grow. After befriending Goku and company, Korin occasionally provides small sacks of the beans for them during violent times. And times are mostly violent.

Why it’s a Bad Idea

Okay, so Senzu beans don’t sound like such a bad idea. In fact, they sound like a really good idea. We could grow them and keep them in hospitals and first aid kits around the world. No one would have to suffer for very long. And it would curb world hunger.

Until Monsanto or pharmaceutical companies got involved. It would turn into a multi-million-dollar crop. Or they would be banned because the companies couldn’t compete.

Not to mention the number of fight clubs that would start up once people weren’t afraid of pain or injury.

6. Master Balls, Pokémon Universe

For the sake of this entry, I’m also going to assume that we live in a land in which Pokémon are real—like, say, Kanto? And I have a Pikachu, a collection of badges, and a nearly complete Pokédex.

The Master Ball (for the handful of you who don’t already know) is the most accurate and most reliable PokéBall in the entire game. In the original games, players often saved it for Mewtwo, the most powerful Pokémon, which was also the most difficult to catch. In later games, players either opted to use the Master Balls on legendary Pokémon or wait out the super rare shiny Pokémon. Thanks to the duplication glitch in Gold and Silver, players were able to amass a near-infinite supply of the bastards.

Why it’s a Bad Idea

I’m also going to go ahead and assume that criminal organization like Team Rocket will exist in our imaginary world. And that Silph Co., of course, was real too. For a short amount of time, Silph Co. will profit from Master Ball sales. But eventually, the number of wild Pokémon would diminish due to over-catching, and Silph sales would drop before the company inevitably goes out of business.

With a shortage of wild Pokémon, criminal organizations would profit more from illegal sales of probably stolen Pokémon. It would become a dangerous world for trainers. And us, since we’re assuming we live in that world, after all. My poor Pikachu…

5. Power-Ups, Mario Bros. Universe

With an ever-expanding series of games, the number of power-ups available to Mario, Luigi, and their friends continues to increase. Super mushrooms, fire and ice flowers, feathers, leaves, and an extensive closet filled with animal suits make up much of Mario’s arsenal.

I’m especially fond of the flowers and the items that allow Mario to fly.

Why it’s a Bad Idea

The invincibility star. Of course some would use them for crime. Militaries would use them (along with other power-ups) to create temporarily invincible soldiers. On top of all that, people would do stupid things while invincible. They’d go completely Jackass on us until they mis-timed their stunt and ran out of invincibility right when they needed it most. Of course they’d have to stay away from lava and bottomless pits. Not even the invincibility star can save Mario from those dangers.

4. Millennium Items, Yu-Gi-Oh! Universe

Seven ancient items forged out of 99 souls in the slaughter of the city of Kul Elna. In the English version, they are called the Puzzle, Eye, Ring, Necklace, Key, Scale, and Rod, and each possesses its own powers. Most notably, the Millennium Eye allows its bearer to read the minds of others; the Rod turns anyone it touches into the wielder’s loyal servant; and the Necklace offers a glance into the future. At several points they both help and hinder Yugi and his companions. In fact, it was the completion of the Millennium Puzzle that started the entire adventure.

Why it’s a Bad Idea

Since we don’t really live in a world where there are monsters in the souls of people (that we know of), or a Shadow Realm to which minds can be banished (again, that we know of), the Millennium Items become much less of a threat.

But to those who are ambitious or politically minded, seeing the future, reading minds, and controlling minds would come in handy. I would especially be leery of young children who demand you join their tea parties with Snuggles and the princess. The Rod would be very useful to them.





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8 responses so far

  • RNGcoder

    The Portal Gun
    Less of a gun and more of a tool, the Portal Gun makes portals of different colors that are physically linked to each other, allowing for people and objects to safely pass between the two points instantly. The game’s puzzles never has the player go farther then a football field, but at one point shows that extreme travel distances are possible with the gun.

    Why it’s a Bad Idea
    Assuming any sort of quantity of these guns and any industry based on long distance travel (plane, train or bus) for people or goods goes bankrupt. Why wait on an 8 hour plane ride across the pond when you could be there in an hour. Why an hour? I’m assuming security and lines apply, but the though put of people would still be greater then a plane’s though put (150 per 8 hours vs how many people walking along a sidewalk in New York during busy hours).

    This leads to network hubs where a single location links to many other large population areas. Any biological or chemical device set off in such a location would not only cause destruction to the initial location, but would potentially leak though all of the portal travel network. I leave nuclear out of this as such an explosion would also destroy the wall the portal is on, and I’m guessing cause the portal to close shortly after detonation, likely destroying the portal network facility, but perhaps leaving the other cities relatively unharmed.

    Even a single gun would be capable of setting up a power station for infinite electricity at massive rates. A huge coil of wire weighing a huge number of tons falling hundreds of stories create a perpetual motion electric generator that has as much effect on the environment as a wind generator. I’m assuming that the guns themselves are self sustained as they never need recharging, and the portals are indefinite should the gun not be fired again or pass though an emancipation grill.

    Anyone evil enough controlling this power station could lower the cost of electricity until all of their competitors get ran into the ground via a losing cost competition. Without competition, the power station returns to normal or high cost electricity and makes hand over fist 100% efficient green dough.

  • lol

    Re: Senzu beans
    You do realize that companies don’t control the health of us who don’t live in 3. world countries, right?

  • wevs

    @lol: You obviously know nothing of pharmaceutical monopoly, son.

  • Fortunato

    Another reason the Mario powerups are a bad idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl6Q7FkCMJw&feature=plcp

  • lol

    @wevs
    You can’t patent beans, as they are not an invention. And even if you could, there is no such thing as a international patent. You could change the beans enough to patent them and lobby the government to ban the original beans, however this won’t work if you live in a actual democracy.

  • Shiki

    @lol
    I guess it’s the same thing as with marihuana. You could grow it in you garden, but it’s illegal. But for some reason if you are sick you can go and buy your marihuanna and it’s ok. So for sick people it ok, but for healthy people it’s illegal. That just makes me sick!!!

  • Steve

    LoL: There are multiple real world examples of exactly what the author is talking about. Your youthful idealism is charming, but unrealistic.

  • lol

    @Steve
    There are multiple real world examples of people banning the cure for all diseases?

    I didn’t say it would be available everywhere, but to assume it would be available nowhere is crazy. You don’t think people would vote for the party who is gonna cure all diseases? You don’t think they would vote out anyone who wants to ban it or uphold a ban? That’s too unrealistic?

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