Nov 07 2012
So the night has been going well for the most part, but you just are not feeling the person you are on a date with. Thing is, you are just to passive to actually tell them that, so what do you do? You invite them back to your place, and you put any of these five movies on, preceding it with a monologue about how “this film redefined the medium” or some shit. Then it is just a matter of watching the terror and disgust spread across their face as they rush for the door, convinced you may kill and eat them (and or sodomize them) at some point. In most cases, they were right. These movies were just foreplay to you. Regardless, putting any of these flicks on pretty much guarantees that you won’t be seeing this person again anytime soon.
Hey kid, your dentist seems a little sadistic.
I don’t actually own this movie, and refuse to watch it, but am pretty sure a movie where a bunch of fascists brutalize children, sexually and violent for two hours, is not the kind of movie you want to put on when trying to settle in for some loving. As a matter of fact, I think if someone put this on in front of me, and casually spoke it up as high art, that I would hit them with a bat. Then I would point out the way their blood splattered the wall and looked like a Pollack painting.
You see, you can find art where ever you look for it, really.
Last House On The Left
If they gave out “just got raped” badges in the girl scout’s, this girl would be the proud wearer of one
So you come in from the bar with some lady with questionable morals. You tell her you are gonna pour some drinks, and you put this movie on while you are getting ready, so she can watch it. If you come back from your kitchen with drinks in hand, and the girl is STILL sitting there, YOU are the one who is in danger. Any girl who is willing to get it on after wtahcing two young girls get brutalized probably has one of those “creepy uncles” she visits every weekend, willingly.
You may want to steer clear from that.
Oh, this time you brought home a “cultured” girl, so you think Shakespeare will impress her.
This one is the greatest trick of all. It takes all the worst stuff from all the worst stuff and puts it into one story. And boy, the best thing is she will see Shakespeare, and she will see Sir Anthony Hopkins, and she will just buckle herself down without thinking what could be in store. Well, you have twin brothers raping a girl, then cutting off her hands and tongue so she can’t tell. You have Anthony Hopkins taking revenge on them by hanging them upside down and cutting their throats, but not before killing his own daughter because she got raped he would rather have her die than be unpure. Should I keep going? No, I really shouldn’t.
I Stand Alone
Does this look like a man you would want to bring around your date?
You know what this list is missing? Incest. You want to REALLY scare someone away, I Stand Alone would do marvelously. Highlighting one man’s descent into madness, it all feels like you are looking trough a keyhole at a life you want nothing to do with. It is sick, and palpably so. That is what Gaspar Noe does. Technically, you could put on Irreversible, but by now that movie has been over hyped and this film, by the same director, is barely spoke of. Plus, when she sees the movie is French, she will be impressed. For about three seconds.
I Melt With You
She will see the cast and think you are the most confident guy in the world to put this on. That illusion passes quickly, though.
Wait, Rob Lowe and Thomas Jane? In a movie about a bunch of friends who get together every ten years to reminisce about their loves and their lives and their losses? Wow, sounds deep and intense, but enjoyable. But then something happens about halfway through, and stuff only gets more and more drug-fueled and bleak, until you can feel part of yourself dying as you watch the movie. A great movie if you plan to end the night in a suicide pact, but if you plan on getting hot and heavy with a lady after a date, keep this movie 200 feet away from you at all times. It is like the exact opposite of Viagra.
Trouble Every Day
Nothing in the entirety of your life has prepared you for the sex scene in this film.
Again, a French film. And for about 35 minutes or so, you will have your female guest enthralled. It plays out like a silent film up to that point, with VERY little dialogue. Truth be told, it plays out like a high art vampire flick initially. But then, right around minute forty five, the sex scene happens. The sex scene that literally made me throw up. Yes, I threw up watching this movie. Me, the guy who loves depraved, messed up shit, vomited during the coitus scene in Trouble Every Day.
Bet there is some weird chick who loves taking pills who would get horny to this movie, so you are truly taking a gamble putting this one on. It will end with some kind of body fluid, what that is ends up being dependent on who you watch the movie with.
This photo is so gross, it gave my PC a virus.
Gummo is SO disturbing for SO many reasons, it is impossible to pick one. I know Gummo is just a movie, yet, when I saw it, I thought I was watching some super f*cked up redneck documentary. It is the kind of movie that tends to make you feel kind of sick as you watch it, and all you want to is get away from these cat-killing freaks. This might be the meta-date-destroyer. The ultimate ” I hope you never come over again” kind of movies.
Unless you brought an art school girl home, then she is just going to want to bang you more, actually. Be careful.
A Serbian Film
This is not so much a movie as the act of someone removing your eyeballs and skullf*cking you to death.
There it is. The be-all, end-all of soul destroying, mood destroying, life destroying films. Some say it is a black comedy. Others, like the director, say it is an allegory for how the Serbian people are treated and how their own government looks away AND, at times, participates. But I don’t care about any of those things. The film is filth. Pure bile, regurgitated all over you while you watch it. And no single film would cause people to walk out on you with quite the disgust that A Serbian Film would.
If you REALLY want her to hate you, keep her around for the “newborn” scene. Nah, I should say, if you really hate YOURSELF stick around for that scene. Truthfully, use this one as a last resort. You cannot unsee this movie.
” Excuse me sir, I’ll shine your shoes with my breasts for a nickel?”
One thing is for certain, you put any of the following films on for a date you just brought home, and it is safe to say you will be sleeping alone. Or atleast with a terribly disturbed person, so you may want to sleep with one eye open, if that is the case. And keep a knife under your pillow, too. Just trust me.
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