Nov 07 2012

Eight Movies To Play On A First Date If You Are Looking To Scare Someone Away

Published by at 11:00 am under Editorials,Lists,Movies

So the night has been going well for the most part, but you just are not feeling the person you are on a date with. Thing is, you are just to passive to actually tell them that, so what do you do? You invite them back to your place, and you put any of these five movies on, preceding it with a monologue about how “this film redefined the medium” or some shit. Then it is just a matter of watching the terror and disgust spread across their face as they rush for the door, convinced you may kill and eat them (and or sodomize them) at some point. In most cases, they were right. These movies were just foreplay to you. Regardless, putting any of these flicks on  pretty much guarantees that you won’t be seeing this person again anytime soon.

Salo

Hey kid, your dentist seems a little sadistic.

I don’t actually own this movie, and refuse to watch it, but am pretty sure a movie where a bunch of fascists brutalize children, sexually and violent for two hours, is not the kind of movie you want to put on when trying to settle in for some loving. As a matter of fact, I think if someone put this on in front of me, and casually spoke it up as high art, that I would hit them with a bat. Then I would point out the way their blood splattered the wall and looked like a Pollack painting.

You see, you can find art where ever you look for it, really.

Last House On The Left

If they gave out “just got raped” badges in the girl scout’s, this girl would be the proud wearer of one

So you come in from the bar with some lady with questionable morals. You tell her you are gonna pour some drinks, and you put this movie on while you are getting ready, so she can watch it. If you come back from your kitchen with drinks in hand, and the girl is STILL sitting there, YOU are the one who is in danger. Any girl who is willing to get it on after wtahcing two young girls get brutalized probably has one of those “creepy uncles” she visits every weekend, willingly.

You may want to steer clear from that.

Titus

Oh, this time you brought home a “cultured” girl, so you think Shakespeare will impress her.

This one is the greatest trick of all. It takes all the worst stuff from all the worst stuff and puts it into one story. And boy, the best thing is she will see Shakespeare, and she will see Sir Anthony Hopkins, and she will just buckle herself down without thinking what could be in store. Well, you have twin brothers raping a girl, then cutting off her hands and tongue so she can’t tell. You have Anthony Hopkins taking revenge on them by hanging them upside down and cutting their throats, but not before killing his own daughter because she got raped he would rather have her die than be unpure. Should I keep going? No, I really shouldn’t.

I Stand Alone

Does this look like a man you would want  to bring around your date?

You know what this list is missing? Incest. You want to REALLY scare someone away, I Stand Alone would do marvelously. Highlighting one man’s descent into madness, it all feels like you are looking trough a keyhole at a life you want nothing to do with. It is sick, and palpably so. That is what Gaspar Noe does. Technically, you could put on Irreversible, but by now that movie has been over hyped and this film, by the same director, is barely spoke of. Plus, when she sees the movie is French, she will be impressed. For about three seconds.

I Melt With You

She will see the cast and think you are the most confident guy in the world to put this on. That illusion passes quickly, though.

Wait, Rob Lowe and Thomas Jane? In a movie about a bunch of friends who get together every ten years to reminisce about their loves and their lives and their losses? Wow, sounds deep and intense, but enjoyable. But then something happens about halfway through, and stuff only gets more and more drug-fueled and bleak, until you can feel part of yourself dying as you watch the movie. A great movie if you plan to end the night in a suicide pact, but if you plan on getting hot and heavy with a lady after a date, keep this movie 200 feet away from you at all times. It is like the exact opposite of Viagra.

Trouble Every Day

Nothing in the entirety of your life has prepared you for the sex scene in this film.

Again, a French film. And for about 35 minutes or so, you will have your female guest enthralled. It plays out like a silent film up to that point, with VERY little dialogue. Truth be told, it plays out like a high art vampire flick initially. But then, right around minute forty five, the sex scene happens. The sex scene that literally made me throw up. Yes, I threw up watching this movie.  Me, the guy who loves depraved, messed up shit, vomited during the coitus scene in Trouble Every Day.

Bet there is some weird chick who loves taking pills who would get horny to this movie, so you are truly taking a gamble putting this one on. It will end with some kind of body fluid, what that is ends up being dependent on who you watch the movie with.

Gummo

This photo is so gross, it gave my PC a virus.

Gummo is SO disturbing for SO many reasons, it is impossible to pick one. I know Gummo is just a movie, yet, when I saw it, I thought I was watching some super f*cked up redneck documentary. It is the kind of movie that tends to make you feel kind of sick as you watch it, and all you want to is get away from these cat-killing freaks. This might be the meta-date-destroyer. The ultimate ” I hope you never come over again” kind of movies.

Unless you brought an art school girl home, then she is just going to want to bang you more, actually. Be careful.

A Serbian Film

This is not so much a movie as the act of someone removing your eyeballs and skullf*cking you to death.

There it is. The be-all, end-all of soul destroying, mood destroying, life destroying films. Some say it is a black comedy. Others, like the director, say it is an allegory for how the Serbian people are treated and how their own government looks away AND, at times, participates. But I don’t care about any of those things. The film is filth. Pure bile, regurgitated all over you while you watch it. And no single film would cause people to walk out on you with  quite the disgust that A Serbian Film would.

If you REALLY want her to hate you, keep her around for the “newborn” scene. Nah, I should say, if you really hate YOURSELF stick around for that scene. Truthfully, use this one as a last resort. You cannot unsee this movie.

” Excuse me sir, I’ll shine your shoes with my breasts  for a nickel?”

One thing is for certain, you put any of the following films on for a date you just brought home, and it is safe to say you will be sleeping alone. Or atleast with a terribly disturbed person, so you may want to sleep with one eye open, if that is the case. And keep a knife under your pillow, too. Just trust me.





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19 responses so far

  • Wermine

    Irreversible is quite nice too. It’s also a good thing that you don’t have to wait for the shit to hit the fan since it’s in reverse order and all the nastiest stuff is right there in the beginning.

  • rearadmir0l

    Took a first date to see Seven in college. Being that it was the pre-internet days, I had no idea what it was about, I just figured “Ladies love Brad Pitt, I might get lucky!” Epic fail.

  • Alex

    I let curiousity get the best of me after reading Remy’s review of A Serbian Film on his site. My train of thought was “Wow, if Remy thinks this is effed up then I have to see what it’s all about.” After watching it I can safely say my curiousity about all things it dead. I am now a hollow shell of what I once was.

  • Dzuksi

    I am from Serbia and i find Serbian Film a goddamn disgrace. Sure director may try to pass it as a metaphor, but simply put it’s just excuse for torture porn. Movie doesn’t have a message, doesn’t try to prove anything – it’s simply disgusting for a sake of shock and being disgusting. Thrust me, i saw Salo, Hannibal Holocaust and such, and Serbian film is just a bad movie with disgusting scenes

  • CreamOfSumYungGuy

    I saw A Serbian Film last week. I can never again feel love, joy or happiness.

  • trashcanman

    Human Centipede? Visitor Q? Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door? Thankfully I was already married when I watched Last House on the Left with her (not knowing what to expect). Otherwise, I may have been screwed. Her exact words: “Why would you WATCH that?”. Oh, and if you want some nightmares, I can verify that I have encountered (and lived amongst) people who are not far off from the characters in Gummo. I’m talking brutality towards cats for laughs, incest, the whole nine yards. And I live in California. I don’t even want to know what’s going on in the deep South.

  • Monchofos

    Dead Girl.

  • Mutant Turd

    Does this make me a sicko for loving Titus? I owned the two disk director’s cut of the movie (I either a.) lost it in Hurricane Katrina or b.) sold it for money for a video game. One of those two.).

  • Mutant Turd

    Does this make me a sicko for loving Titus? I owned the two disk director’s cut of the movie that I either a.) lost in Hurricane Katrina or b.) sold for money for a video game. One of those two. But I still love it. The visuals and the freakin cast are excellent.

  • Mutant Turd

    Damn double post! Fuck me for trying to proof read myself.

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    @Wermine, Agreed, anything by Gaspar Noe.
    @rearadmirol, I, too, did the same exact thing with Se7en, and the worst part, I was more messed up by the ending than she was.
    @Alex, some people think I say those things as dares, but they are not, they are genuine warnings. I am SO sorry you went through that, and I know the emptiness you now feel quite well.
    @trashcanman, there really are countless movies, and I kinda enjoyed making this list, so it will have a follow up somewhere down the road. Human Centipede 2 was even worse (with none of the artistic merit, if I can call it that) and about Gummo folk, I would not be able to sleep soundly knowing people like that were within 100 miles of me at any time.
    @Monchofos, YES!!! I have never really spoken of my odd cinematic encounter with Dead Girl ( long and the short, I kept expecting to be so sickened that I would turn it off, and I was sickened, but I never turned it off, was too compelling) but that would be perfect for this list.
    @MutantTurd, Honestly, no. Tidus is an INCREDIBLY powerful story, and the film is stunning in its performances and cinematography. But I really believe very few first dates would get past that rape/tongue removal scene, which was staggering. The irony is, it may have heavily inspired Last House On The Left via The Virgin Spring.
    Wow, I just said a lot.

  • propagandasd

    Well Serbian Film have much greater impact if you are, you know, Serbian. When someone in movie say Serbia or Serbian, try to imagine that he said America or American.

  • Jim

    Took a girl to see Life of David Gale on a first date.
    Yeah it didn’t work out…

  • Stuart

    My girlfriend of 4 years and I first got together officially watching Seven and Die Hard, conveniently the next Die Hard is coming on valentines day :p

  • Kelly

    My high school boyfriend picked up a movie for us thinking “We both enjoy Nicholas Cage movies, I don’t need to know what it’s about.” And that’s how I learned about snuff films. Thanks, 8mm.

  • Former shell

    Yeah if you take, 8mm, requiem for a dream, and American history x, and give them some bath salts and pcp- then they had an inbred 3way- you would end up with, A Serbian Film!

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  • P.

    I watched Irreversible with one of my lady friends one night. while being high. It was…weird.

  • Gill

    To anyone thinking about watching a serbian film DONT i have seen it and it has left a black stain on my soul and anyone you can sit throught newborn scence without being deeply deeply disturbed if not walk away entirely like i did needs to get their head check casue your messed up

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