Oct 30 2012

Five Deities I Wouldn’t Want Running the Universe

Published by at 10:00 am under Uncategorized

Mythology is everywhere. You can’t create a good imaginary world without working out some sort of mythos to go along with it. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need gods or magical beings pulling the strings, but I have always found the act of creating a creator (or creators) challenging and fun.

Many of the countless fictional gods in mass media are awesome. But just because someone is fun to drink with, that doesn’t mean he should be in charge of important things. Like an entire universe.

5. Zeus, Clash of the Titans, God of War Franchise, Hercules, etc.

The ruler of Olympus; the new god who was crucial in overthrowing the Titans, Zeus is the supreme ruler in Greek mythology. God of the skies, wielder of lightning, and father of many important gods and demigods, Zeus seem like he could get the job done.

Although Zeus is portrayed differently in each work he’s in, it doesn’t seem to matter. He never seems like the ideal leader. In Clash of the Titans, he’s borderline Machiavellian, and in God of War, he’s definitely Machiavellian. He’s always proud if not egotistical, and he always gets his way. While this sort of behavior might benefit him, it leaves the rest of the universe neglected. He should stick to fathering bastard children—that’s what he’s really good at.

4. King Enma/ King Yemma, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragon Ball Z

This character appears frequently in Japanese anime. In Dragon Ball Z, Yemma is a judge who decides whether a person has been bad enough to be sent to Hell (or the Home for Infinite Losers in the edited version), or good enough to travel on to the Kais. In Yu Yu Hakusho, Enma seems to be the supreme ruler of the afterlife, or at least the Underworld (which is different from the Demon Plane). His son, Koenma acts as a temporary ruler while Enma is off on business.

This guy is huge and powerful, and he almost always seems like he’s at least trying to hold his temper at bay. Enma is said to cause natural disasters when angered while Yemma mostly just yells at Goku a lot. Until this guy gets his anger in check, he doesn’t need to be in charge on the BMV let alone a part of the afterlife.

3. Grand Kai (Dai Kaio), Dragon Ball Z

The Kais are a species of divine, otherworldly creatures who guard sections of the universe. In DBZ, we have seen four different levels of Kai. The lowest level of Kai is the one Goku first encounters when he reaches the end of Snake Way after being killed by Piccolo in the battle against Raditz. Each of these Kais guards a quadrant of the galaxy. Above them is the Grand Kai, who oversees a group of Kais and the entire galaxy. Next are the Supreme Kais who oversee quadrants of the universe, with the Grand Supreme Kai watching over them and the universe.

When we’re first introduced to the Grand Kai of Goku’s galaxy, he looks like Willie Nelson crossed with a rock god. He would definitely be a blast to hang out with.

But he’s crazy (as far as divinity goes, anyway). He’s obsessed with fighting, which isn’t really that strange since that’s what the entire Dragon Ball universe revolves around. He is also terrible at making commitments, telling Goku and Pikkon that he would train them…eventually, making them wait centuries. He also seems pretty unreliable when whatever is happening doesn’t directly benefit him. But, I suppose since nothing has destroyed the galaxy, he’s been doing something right. Except that’s because Goku’s around!

2. God, South Park

A composite animal described as having parts of a squirrel, elephant, cat, and hippopotamus, along with a reptilian tongue. He states that this is “merely how humans perceive him, so his true form is unknown.” His voice is deep and calm. He’s the father of Jesus and professes to be a Buddhist.

I’m also pretty sure I remember seeing flies always buzzing around him. This guy is just messing with us. He can’t be serious. Instead of appearing as a bearded old man or something stereotypical like that, he completely blows our minds by showing himself as a gene splicing experiment gone horribly awry. It’s also concerning that he’s the god of Jews and Christians and yet he’s a Buddhist. He either knows something we don’t know, or he’s just really good at screwing with us. Though, I suppose the philosophies of Buddhism can go hand-in-hand with the practice of other religions.

I’d keep him as a pet, but I wouldn’t want him making any irreversible decisions about my destiny.

1. God, Dogma

This is Kevin Smith’s blasphemous idea of god in his controversial movie Dogma. Two fallen angels, Loki and Bartleby, set out on a quest to reenter heaven. A priest in New Jersey has set up an arch, and all who walk through it will be immediately cleansed so they can enter heaven. But if the two angels succeed, the universe will be destroyed because God banished them, and God is infallible. This loophole will not be good for anyone, so God commissions the last scion—the last remaining descendant of Jesus Christ—to stop them.

But Lucifer isn’t happy either because he’s been looking for a way back into heaven for a long time. He sends Azrael to stop them.

When God finally appears, she’s played by Alanis Morissette and can’t speak because doing so would kill anyone who heard her. She acts like a child: doing cartwheels, playing with flowers, and squealing with excitement over the littlest things. When asked what the meaning of life is, she simply tweaks the last scion’s nose and runs off back to heaven. But we know this isn’t entirely her. The reason Loki and Bartleby got banished in the first place was because Loki didn’t want to be the angel of death anymore, and Bartleby told him to quit. So, Loki quit killing for God, and God kicked him out.

That’s terrifying. I do not want a pure, child-like entity who goes on killing sprees running my universe. Do you?





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8 responses so far

  • mat

    Here’s a deity I WOULD want running the universe?

    The King of all Cosmos!

    From Katamari Damacy

    “Earth really is full of things!”

  • Postal

    Neither you nor I want a murderous psychopath running the universe, but most people do.

  • Krunk

    Is it wrong for me to not want anyone running the universe?

  • Mutant Turd

    Don’t forget the South Park version of God only allows Mormon’s into Heaven. And Saddam Hussein.

  • Draugr

    @Krunk
    No it makes a load of sense that you don’t want some crazy all powerful man-child running the show.

    Most stories involving any God(s) let you know that humanity is better off without them, child-like behavior is actually par for the course. Luckily, figments of people’s imagination aren’t real, so we don’t have anything to worry about.

    Epicurus said it well almost 2400 years ago,

    “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
    Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing?
    Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing?
    Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing?
    Then why call him God?”

  • guesst

    Other one i don’t want to run the show is the forrest spirit from mononoke princes, ought to looks friendly…

  • Garber

    So I’m to understand you’d be cool with Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones ruling the world?

  • Winter

    I would want Loki ( tom hiddleston ) to be my ruler.

    but not angry, let’s-enslave-the-human-race.

    basically, Tom Hiddleston should have control over this world. because he’s adorable, and likes to make people happy. : )

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