Sep 19 2012
As I wrote that article title down just now, I couldn’t help but feel like my Parents must be slightly ashamed. I have a brother who is on the Young and Hungry list for 2012, and I have a sister who is getting name dropped on major news outlets, and here I am, about to write an article about cartoon characters I wish I could hang out with in real life. And I want to validate it by yelling out ” But it is not a show for kids, and this is a satirical piece, based around a huge “what-if” that fans of the show would most likely appreciate!” but then I realize I am yelling it into a mirror, and no one actually cares.
And THAT, my invisible friends, is why I am the perfect person to be writing this article right now. Because I live in a world of pure delusion, just like the characters on this show, who are most likely component’s of Finn’s imagination as a result of a dead or dying world, just like mine. I also feel the need to tell you that I won’t have Finn, Jake, Ice King or Princess Bubblegum on this list because DUH, it should go without saying that any fan of Adventure Time would want to hang out with those four.
For a grown-man, this article may be rock bottom. But I felt it would be a nice alternative to all my “most disturbing home invasion revenge movies that feature hillbilly killers” lists that I seem to do so often. Plus, all kidding aside, I adore this show and find it one slight glimmer of pastel-joy in a normally charcoal-ugly world. If nothing else, Adventure Time is a wonderful break from a normally tedious (and somewhat predictable) daily life. Oh, what the Glob! Even my posts about cartoon characters end up sounding nihilist. Anyway, the drugs are starting to kick in, so I can get on with this piece. Here are the six characters from the Adventure Time show I would most like to hang out with. Wow, it sounds sadder each time I type it.
The first time I ever heard Tree Trunks sing, I knew, I just knew.
So Tree Trunks is some kind of tiny, yellow elephant who speaks with a slow, Southern accent and sounds like she might be an old lady. Oh, and she loves to bake apple pies. And makeout. And sometimes, if her heart asks it of her, she sings improvisational songs about longing. Did you guys HEAR HER SONG? Her song was amazing. As honest and heartfelt as anything by the late,great, Elliot Smith. Ok, I took it way too far there.
Anyway, listen for yourself:
Do you know why she was so sad? Because they wouldn’t let her and Mr.Pig make-out all the time. And I.Am.Not.Kidding.You.
So she bakes apple pies, is in lust with a pig, and sings with more heart than anyone on The Voice. Yup. I wanna be friends with Tree Trunks. It is the idea of what being friends with one of the Golden Girls would be like. And extra points because she really is almost golden colored.
An artistic, loner-girl with Daddy-issues and a dark side. Oh, and she’s a vampire.
Marceline is so awesome, she already has her own comic-book spin-off. There is nothing I can say about Marceline that I haven’t already said in the above caption. Oh, wait, yes there is. She might be in love with Princess Bubblegum. I know this is a subtext that some (stupid) people find offensive, but this is a complex world Pendelton Ward has created here, and if you think this show wouldn’t ” go there”, there was an episode with a giant barn that shits cows on people after it beats them up, so don’t assume.
There are far too many mindf*cks here for any of us to pretend we know whats going on, but we know we love it. Don’t we? DON’T WE?????!!!!!
Marceline and I would hang out, make music, and lament about how the world is empty and woman are all succubus. And then we would laugh, because she is a succubus and stuff.
Earl of Lemongrab
You need to trust me when I tell you, you want nothing to do with the ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!
Now I know fans of the show must be thinking: Why we he want to hang out with Lemongrab, when Lemongrab is weird and mean and can be a real assh*le? And the answer is simple. I want to have that one friend who doesn’t care what anyone thinks and just yells UNACCEPTABLE all the time. I like the idea of having friends that are powder kegs. People who are so unstable that, when I stand next to them, I seem like a shining example of everything that is right with the world.
Careful though, over-exposure to his voice has resulted in bouts of suicide.
Also, Lemongrab is the heir to the Candy Kingdom, and as anyone knows, it is essential to make friends with people of great power, even if they are f*cking crazy. Also, Lemongrab is a failed experiment by Princess Bubblegum, so he didn’t choose to be a jerk, he is just made that way. Or something. Maybe some time hanging out with someone a little more chill would do him some good. Or we would destroy the world. Either way, I am down.
Lumpy Space Princess
When you become really good friends with her, you can call her LSP, but God rest your soul if you call her that and she doesn’t know you well enough.
We all need that one person in our lives who drives us slightly insane. We really do. It is a yin and yang thing. For me, that person would be LSP. I can call her that now because we have spent many an hour together, talking glob about people and junk. At the end of the day, she acts how a pretty, spoiled, sixteen year old girl would act. And in that sense, I guess I would like to hit her with a shoe, but I feel like her face would just take the shape of my shoe, and then reform back to normal a second later, and she would only be more annoying afterward.
Come to think of it, I don’t want to hang out with LSP, unless I was on LSD. Sorry I just made that terrible joke. I will make up for it now with this:
She is aware you are interested in her lumps.
He may be old, but I can only assume the amount of crazy stuff “Bun” must have done during his apex.
This is that person you hang out, and you love and respect them, but you know they are going to do something insane and crack you up at some point. It is that mean friendship, where you hang around a person because they make you laugh. But not so much laugh with, but more laugh-at. And you know it is wrong, but you keep that person in your life, anyway.Sort of like every person who has ever liked me. Hey, wait a second! I thought they were all laughing WITH me…..
We all could use a hug from the hug-wolf now and then, right? RIGHT???!!!!
Beemo is pretty much the ultimate game system/nerd friend.
So Beemo is basically a living gameboy. With a personality. A strange, yet adorable personality. I mean, can you imagine that? Being friends with one of your game systems? And Beemo can do a bunch of cool other stuff, too. It is like a Swiss-army-friend, always capable of something new to blow your mind or help you out in a struggle. Come on, in many ways, this would be the ultimate nerd dream, realized. Except it doesn’t look like Slave Leia. So in a sense, everything I just said is null.
But Beemo is still awesome.
Beemo is the only friend you have that would allow you to put a VHS tape in their butt. I hope.
Fiona and Cake: Again, so obvious.
Switching genders on the show just shows how awesome and forward-thinking Adventure Time really is.
The Royal Tart Toter: I like having insane friends, as I said. Seems like this guy would rule them all.
Butterfly With Laser Gun: Yes, this is an actual character. Though he was short lived, and may be paralyzed now, his existence asks more questions than it answers. Read about him here.
Peppermint Butler: What is your secret???!!! What do you know about death that we don’t????!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!!????????
There is something about you I don’t fully trust, man.
Hunson Abadeer: Ofcourse I want to be friends with the Devil. Wait, should I not pretend that’s what he is? Ok, ok. Ruler of the Nightosphere. Jeesh, sorry.
Just so you guys know, Adventure Time is on Cartoon Network, whose site is right here, so go show them some love. And after you do that, here is my site, go show me some love so I don’t need to pretend I have cartoon friends that are made out of candy.
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