Aug 27 2012

Never Pick Up the Hitchhiker: Six Terrible Horror Movie Decisions That Cost People Their Lives

Published by at 11:00 am under Lists,Movies

It is surreal to think that your life may boil down to one bad choice you make. One bad choice that may have even felt insignificant at the time. But it’s true. That one time you said no to the can of coke, and took the bottle of water instead? Well, that coke ended up falling to the bottom of your fridge. It sat there for two weeks, and without realizing it, every time people were opening and closing the fridge, they were hitting the corner of the can, shaking it up. One day, Mom is taking care of junior. She is holding him in one arm, and reaches down and grabs the coke with the other.

When she opens the coke with her one free hand, it ends up hissing and then bubbling over everywhere, which shocks Mom, and causes her to drop the baby. Do you see where this is going? She drops the baby, and like most newborns, it explodes, killing everyone in the neighborhood. Imagine how different your life would have turned out if you just drank the coke? Here are six other people who made terrible decisions that could have easily been avoided. Note how, in each of these cases, that one bad decision sets off a chain of catastrophic events that could have been avoided, had you just drank the coke.

Jeepers Creepers: Hey, We Should Drive Back After That Guy Tried To Murder Us And See What He Was Up To

Is it just me, or is every single thing that Justin Long does in this movie incredibly stupid? You can play a drinking game called “take a shot everytime Justin Long makes a poor decision”, and you will be legally dead within fourteen minutes of this film. Trust me, I know a thing or two about inventing drinking games that kill people. It can be said, that, if Justin Long had not made the few first decisions he did in the movie, that nothing bad would’ve happened to the characters at all.

“Hey, look at that guy dumping bodies down a well. Right after he tries to kill us, we should go over and fall into that well. That seems to make sense.”

I feel like Justin Long saw this movie and quickly asserted he should stick to comedy. I like him in comedy, for the most part. But when playing the teen who makes choices in a horror film, he is one notch under “full-retard”, as Robert Downey JR would say.

He sees a guy dumping bodies into a well. That guy then proceeds to use his nightmarish old truck to drive them off the road. Justin’s reaction to this is ” Hey sis, we should go look into that well because somebody might need help!” How about NO!

“And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

What you SHOULD do in that scenario: Figure out the route you are on, look for some landmarks, and call the cops. They can check the well, AND look for the (very distinct) truck that drove you off the road. I understand that there is some “he used his peepers, so it cost him his peppers” subtext here, but still, his decisions in the film almost felt suicidal. Plus, was I the only person who sensed SLIGHT sexual tension between these two actors? Sorry, the sis/bro vibe was not the vibe these two were radiating. Just saying.

The hand holding was 100% improv.

Wrong Turn: Hey, Let’s Go Trap Ourselves In This Treehouse So The Mutants Can Easily Kill Us

Listen, I have a confession to make. Redneck rampage movies are a guilty pleasure of  mine.

The idea of some backwoods, inbred mutants trying to eat, screw, or kill you (and in most cases, all three, somehow in that order) is truly creepy to me. And minus the incredible bow and arrow skills, this stuff actually happens. Hell, drive three hours North of Boston and you may encounter the “melonheads”. That is our New England urban legend, about a bunch of inbred families who live up in the mountains of Maine. Rumor is they don’t take kindly to strangers. God, I love rumors like that. Thing is, you research it enough, and you see there are supposed Melonheads all over the map. Just urban legends, nothing more.

OR IS IT????!!!!

The Melonheads do have adorable kids, though.

So this film follows a rather sexy group of teens (in their twenties) who go on a camping trip and begin to get hunted down by raving lunatics. It is The Hills Have Eyes ‘lite’, but it is still a helluva ride to take. And though the film is full of terrible choices, there is one in particular that just screamed stupid to me so loud, I couldn’t hear the rest of the movie.

This is not that scene. This is the first kill from Wrong Turn 2. I am including it because this single kill is better than ALL the kills from the first film.

So they are getting chased, hunted, and killed, so it makes sense that they would climb up into a treehouse in the very woods these creatures know like the back of their hand. Because, you know, being trapped in a treehouse 200 feet up, and at the mercy of not only them, but a massive drop, just seems the sound thing to do in a situation like that.

I know a lot of these movies rely on plot points like this to change the pacing of the film and to ratchet up the tension, but come on? Implying people are this retarded outside of ANY movie other than Cabin in the Woods is just not OK.

And in Cabin in the Woods, there is a brilliant reason why they make bad choices. In this film, they just prove themselves stupider than the rednecks.

“Hey, I bet this TOTALLY isn’t the house of those guys who are trying to kill us.”

Paranormal Activity: Hey, We’ve DEFINITELY Proved Something Evil Is Messing With Us So We Should Stay Here One More Night

Micah, from Paranormal Activity, was one of my most hated characters I can recall in film. I hated the man. Everything about him. From his smug attitude towards the fact that his wife was obviously being f*cked with by a demon, to the fact that he got FOOTAGE OF A OUIJA BOARD CATCHING FIRE BY ITSELF IN THEIR HOUSE and reacts like he saw a butterfly, nothing about his disregard for the situation mirrored how a real human would act in such a situation. Here, let me explain.

This happens:

If this scene wasn’t ruined in the trailer, I would have found it terrifying. Still do, actually.

So the wife gets dragged out of bed by an unseen force, and they stay in the house again.

Give me a f*cking break.

At this point, you have caught the most definitive footage of a ghost’s (or demon’s) existence, many times over. You have footprints in baby powder, flaming ouija’s, and a wife being pulled out of bed violently. Plus, you’ve had an occult specialist tell you that your wife is basically being toyed with by a demon, and has for most of her life. And suddenly, out of the blue, she is complacent and calm, and wants to spend “one more night”, and you don’t find that odd or off-putting?

I would have stood over his sleeping frame, contemplating all the ways I could have killed him, too.

While I find the original ending to be much creepier (she stabs him in a haze and then gets shot by a cop in her hallway), there is no doubt in my mind this character deserved his death. One side note about Micah Sloat. He told a ghost story that happened to him in real life on the biography channel, and it was ten times scarier than Paranormal Activity.

Also worth noting if I have not said it yet: Paranormal Activity 3 was EASILY the best and the creepiest of the bunch, and gave me some faith that this story is a lot darker and more epic than any of us think.

The Solution: Nah, she handled it right. You kill the guy.





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14 responses so far

  • RBourn

    You HAVE to be joking about the Necronomicon thing.

    It’s a fictional book Lovecraft came up with to let his characters know some information about the hell beasts he was creating.

    It’s MADE UP.

    Someone may have come up with some BS book of star charts and faux-wicca stuff but there isn’t really an actual magic grimoire called Necronomicon (or Necrinomicon) that existed before it was made up.

    Otherwise, great article. Loved the whitebaord baddies, anyone else see “The Bride” and “Dismemberment Goblins”? Classic.

  • Tom

    Hitchhiking is actually a cheap and fun way to travel. I’m from the UK, and last Easter I hitchhiked with a friend from Cardiff in Wales to Rijeka in Croatia for charity, travelling through 7 countries along the way. I completed it in 4 days, staying in hostels for the night. 25 seperate lifts later we made it to Croatia, having met some really interesting people, including one guy who hitch-hikes as part of his job! It just has a realy bad stigma assiciated with it due to a few wierdos.

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    I know RBourne, perpetuating that myth was half the fun in this piece.

  • Jason

    Oh my God, we had a newborn explosion just last week… The clean-up effort is still underway.

  • Monchofos

    You know, it has been a decade since I have last seen Jeepers Creepers, but unil todya if you asked me to give you a quick summary I would start with “Well this couple is driving along the highway…”. I just recalled them being boyfriend and girlfriend, not brother and sister pair. The holding hands thing is indeed weird, I am fairly close to my sister but I would ever do that, but I guess thats Victor Salva for you, still the less weird shit he has put as a subtext in a movie.

  • Wench

    But in Paranormal Activity, wasn’t it meant to be the woman herself who was ‘haunted’, not just the house? So it wouldn’t have made a difference if they’d gone somewhere else or not, it had been with her since childhood.

  • RBourn

    Um, ok Remy.

    Seriously? Half the fun?

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    A third?

  • RBourn

    A tenth max.

    Surely

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    Fair enough, I suck at math, admittedly.

  • Rbourn

    You’re a good sport Remy.

  • http://remycarreiro.com/ Remy Carreiro

    Thank you, Rbourne. I appreciate that.

  • Levi

    ive been hitchhiking since i was 8 years old and picking up hitchhikers since i could drive. nothing bad has ever happened, ever. people who think hitchhiking is dangerous are the same people who think anyone who wears a turban is a terrorist and think they need a gun to “fend off home invasions”. the fact that you are driving in the first place means you dont even care about your own safety, picking up some poor dude who cant afford a car isnt going to kill you. one of your friends died from picking up a hitchhiker so you stop picking them up? how many have died from cancer? car accidents? better walk everywhere and wear sunscreen and a gas mask at all times.

  • TehyaBlodwyn

    Have you ever read a webcomic called Something Positive? The angry molesting trees comment reminded me of it, there are redneck sodomy trees in it. If ya haven’t read the comic it sounds weirder than it actually is.

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