Aug 22 2012
Did you know people who die in tragic, violent ways are three times more likely to be “remembered” than people who die of natural causes? It makes sense if you think about it. If I died tomorrow in my sleep, people would mourn, but get on with their lives rather quickly. But if I was ripped apart by sharks while body surfing off the coast of Australia, people would be talking about it for years.
Sadly, sharks don’t seem to want to eat me, so an an aneurysm on my toilet seems more likely. But hey, that’s pretty memorable, too. Here are six comic book characters who had far more epic deaths than I most likely will. Well, actually, the death toll for this piece ends up being way higher than six by the end of the list, but I am bad at math,so SIX it is! Caution, though. There may be some spoilers here. I made most of these as older selection, but if you are looking to read Old Man Logan or the Marvel Ultimatum event, I would skip the last two entries on this list.
A wise old man once asked me how I wanted to die, and I said I wanted to fly into the sun.I was six at the time, and he had kidnapped me, so this quote might out of context, but imagine my genuine joy when I saw Hal Jordan die in my dream manner, once I had escaped as an adult? It was an extra cool moment, accentuated by the fact that it just reminded us how bi-polar Hal Jordan was (is he good, is he bad?). It was a final sacrifice to make up for all his dickery, but dickery is what we loved Hal Jordan for.
Holy crap, I wanted to yell BEWARE MY POWER as I did it, too!
I may end up thinking less of this if our sun ever burns out, but this one is up there for epic deaths. Plus, when I pretend it is Ryan Reynolds, I get chills. Just knowing he could be dead and stuff.
Man, Wolverine is another one that, between all the alt-Universes and his healing factor, has died many times over. And picking one “death” that stands out as more epic then the others is tough. I wanted to go with him getting torn in half by Hulk and being left that way for almost four years, but I know it’s not death. I also wanted to talk about the Punisher blowing Wolverine’s face off with a shotgun and then running him over with a steamroller. But come on, no one will even believe that. That’s just silly.
Man, Garth Ennis must have loved him some Loony Tunes as a child!
And what is up with Wolverine’s hair? I mean, just in general?
I decided, though, to go with the alt-Universe tale, Days of Future Past, when that sentinel vaporizes Wolverine. Only because I remember reading that as a kid, and being genuinely shocked and upset. And I really loved the John Byrne art of that shot. Felt like I could smell the burnt Wolverine. Which smells like burnt hair and bacon, I’m pretty sure.
Shown: My loss of innocence.
This death is the exact reason I re-imagine this battle, over and over again, in the Marvel Versus Capcom game series. And I know people may find the next entry on the list too similar, but come on. You can’t bring up Wolverine and death. and somehow not mention…
I, for one, truly enjoyed the Wolverine/Sabertooth back and forth matches all the way up until that awful Wolverine film ruined it. So for me, whenever I remember that film, I just look up this death, and I pretend its Liev Schreiber, and all is well.
I won’t even give you the lame backstory, because Rob Bricken can do it much better, but I can tell you that the absurdity of this almost makes it awesome. Almost.
I’m sorry, Sabertooth, but your human meat reduction was just not up to snuff, you have been CHOPPED.
You can almost hear the writers foraging for this idea among the scraps of other ideas. A soul forged from Wolverine’s soul? REALLY? And Wolvie calls Sabertooth a “Sorry S.O.B” when he begins to chop off his limbs. Come on, Wolverine is a tortured character. That scene suffered from crappy writing, but there is something almost TROMA-esque to it all that makes it OK. Note I said ALMOST again.
I also wanted to bring up that time Wolverine stuck his claws in Sabertooth’s brain (Wolverine 90, for you guys keeping score) but that didn’t so much kill Sabertooth as turn him into a “puppy”.
This was during the Crisis on Infinite Earths series that DC ran. Much like the Days Of Future Past storyline I brought up earlier, this one kind of messed me up when I read it. Just like Hal Jordan, and all the best superhero death, though, Barry Allen sacrificed himself to save the Earth, without the Earth even knowing. Altruism at its finest.
And the way Flash died? Well, long story short, he runs so fast in order to create a sort of vacuum to suck in a blast from a ray that was going to destroy the Earth, that he basically mummifies himself. The Flash runs himself to death.
My Mom didn’t let me watch MTV as a kid. Little did she know, the stuff I was reading was worse. Atleast in terms of trauma.
That is like Batman Batmanning himself to death. I guess more so than just epic, it is the one death that we should have all seen as inevitable. The Flash runs himself to death. Wow, how convenient. Still, though. Seeing him mummify was pretty badass.
Everyone in Ultimatum
Alright, I know Ultimatum was not so much a comic event as it was an homage to grindhouse films. That comment may sound insane, but let me show you my side of the argument:
Well, I take comfort in knowing a good guy would never do something this deviant and psychotic.
OK, this one I am good with. The Thing crushing Doctor Doom’s head to pulp for causing all this was kind of cool.
I mean, really, a LOT of people died.
The Sixth Sense straight-to-comics sequel was shaping up to be badass.
So like I said, Ultimatum wasn’t so much a comic event as it was an homage to grindhouse films. But I can’t justifiably talk about deaths in comics and not talk about this blood-soaked-orgy-of-death. I mean, it HAD to be an homage to grindhouse films.
That’s the only theory that makes sense to me, and I needed a lot of drugs to reach it.
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