Jul 23 2012
Guest Written by Deadpool
Alright, I need every one of you to shut up about The Dark Knight Rises for a second?!! Shine a light on some of us other fools who wears tights, ya dig?! OK, my turn. Really never thought I would bounce back from that Ryan Reynolds miscarriage, but here we are. All relevant again, thanks to our forthcoming game, and our hijinkx around Comic Con.
Alright Wade, you should do some bragging. Tell them about those moments when you did something PARTICULARLY badass. Wait a second. IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE YELLING WHEN WE USE CAPS LOCK! HAHAHA, I AM SO YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW!! Wait, pull it together, Wade. This is your first shot at journalism. Don’t scare the little bucks away already. And remember, sex it up. A great journalist once told us nothing baits the “likes” like some tawdry nudity. Or was that our creepy uncle Sal who said that? We always confuse the two.
Crap, stay focused.
My relationship with Thor’s hammer has been a dodgy one at best. By dodgy I mean sexy. I like to think the hammer and I have sort of a “forsaken love” kind of vibe between us. What is that thing called again, Majora? Wait, no. That was Zelda’s mask I think. Margarine! Yeah, pretty sure that was it. (*editors note: Mjölnir)
Hey, who just corrected us? Note to self, kill that guy when we find out who it is.
Hey, am I allowed to write anything under these pictures? I will just leave this here, and email me and let me know. Thanks. W.W
So anyway, like I said. That hammer Thor named after a terrible butter substitute really sweats me. Seems like anytime it is around, it seems to find me. There have been a few occasions when the hammer and I have slow danced. Or “Hammerdanced” as I like to call it. And while some may site the above photo reference, my best memory with margarine is when I showed her what I thought of her. Be careful, readers. Things are about to get HILARIOUS!
Note to self: Do a follow up with Editor and see if we can caption these photos or not.
If you look closely, it is plain to see I really showed her a good time. Some say it is disrespectful to treat a God’s weapon like that. But I ask, like what? Like the way you would treat your high school sweetheart? Taking her to a ball game and a carnival?
Man, if you guys think THAT is disrespectful, you do NOT want to see what I did to that picture of Bea Arthur.
Yup, that photo. Wait, did we just type that or think it? Ask Ed about captions. Ask ed who ed is. Thanks. W.W
Wait a second, that is not Bea Arthur! Oh my God, what have we done???
Pull it together, Wade. They’re all still watching….
How I See the Mighty Wolverine
You know who isn’t a good kisser? Wolverine. Nah, I am JUST MESSING WITH YOU! He is actually kind of tender. But his scruff itches my face. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, how I see Wolvie.
Everyone sees Wolverine as this big, hairy tough guy, with bones made out of 80’s pop star Adam Ant. But I have cracked that nut. I have torn away the layers of that delicate onion. I have also blown him up multiple times.
Much like margarine, Wolvie and I have a delicate relationship. Wow, that Remy guy never should taught me how to link stuff with words. Now I can randomly link a bunch of things. Wow, this writing thing is almost as much fun as killing people for money.
Anyway, this is about how bad of a kisser Wolverine is, right? Oh yeah, how I see him. He is really just a teddy bear to me:
Note to self: If they let me caption these, I will write the funniest thing under here about him eating a bunch of Jello cups at once with his Wolver’Sporks. AWESOME. W.W
As a matter of fact, I still have pictures from when he took me to Prom. Best. Night. EVAR!
Wade, photoshop yourself wearing a corsage here. It will really sell the whole “prom” joke. Thanks, W.W
I mean, it really makes sense that Wolverine and I would be B.F.F’s. We are both proud rejects from the Weapon X program. And we were both bastardized in the same abomination of a film. So no one write in and complain about any strange subtext between me and my best friend, Wolver’Sporks, OK? That is what I call him when we’re alone., Wolver’Sporks. Shhhh, don’t say I said anything, he might SNKT. I hate when he SNKT’s.
Speaking of hairy rejects from Weapon X…
Sabertooth is SO DRAMATIC
Of all the people who can relate to being a mutant freak who was crossbred and engineered in a incubation tank, it is me. Hey man, I get it! I know it’s hard. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Oh man, I could do this job all day. Between killing people for money, that is.
Oh yeah, so Sabes. Anyway, it was cool to be all emo and dark in the nineties. It made sense. But as SOON as Soundgarden broke up, Sabes needed to tone it down a bit. He has a bad habit of taking himself too seriously. Like that time he asked me to scream. He asked me to scream, do you believe that? I am still laughing. Literally. Still. To this second, laughing. Out loud.
Note to self: How did we get all these pictures of our memories? Oh yeah, we’re a comic book character. Man, reality bites. Oh man, Reality Bites! Remember that movie? Ethan Hawk and that Lisa Loeb song, STAY. You say, you only hear what want to. Oh wait, pull it together Wade. You’re slipping again. Stop typing your thoughts. Oh, and email that Remy dude about captioning these pics.W.W
So what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, LISA LOEB!
Man, that Sabertooth guy was such a ham. Wait, what was I talking about again?
I Saw Aunt May Doing It
I saw Aunt May doing it. I saw Aunt May doing it. I SAW AUNT MAY DOING IT! Do you understand???!!!!
Anytime I am being tortured or cut up into bite-sized chunks and thrown to the sharks, or any other such awesome means of painful non-death (damn healing factor) I just tell myself I SAW AUNT MAY DOING IT, and in that, I know I have seen the very face of the devil. I have seen the darkest of the darkness. I have seen and felt despair as I stared into the abyss of wrinkling flesh and the odiforous odors that smelled like feta cheese and regret, emanating from that bad.
And trust me, normally I have a high threshold for this stuff. I have been on your threads. I know about Martyrs and A Serbian Film.
All that stuff is child’s play to me now. I have seen Aunt May doing it.
Note to me: Make a note to self here. Note to self: Make a joke here about how you cannot UNSEE naked people. That will be AWESOME. W.W
I know they may have been a clones, and I know that I shot them to death until they were dead, and I know none of it was very consequential to my story line or progression as a character, but still, I LITERALLY plucked my eyes out as a result of that, and still, I have the nightmares. Just so you guys know, the nightmares look kinda like this:
Note to self: Make SURE you don’t run this picture twice, separated by only a sentence or two. Thanks. W.W
Cool side note, got to see Uncle Ben. You usually only see that guy in flashbacks. Crappy second side note, saw him naked. Not cool, Ben. Not cool.
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