Jul 12 2012

If the Season Four Finale of Breaking Bad Was Written by Dr. Seuss

Published by at 10:00 am under Editorials,Television

[Ed. note: TJ has been mailing Breaking Bad poems to my apartment for months, and he promised to stop if I publish one. This is as good a time as any, I guess.]

In a dusty old town, not too far from the border
Walt’s world had been flung into deadly disorder
He’d once been a teacher of valued repute
Not a puncher of faces or counter of loot
But then he got cancer, which pretty much blows
And so, to prepare for those pesky death throes
He cooked up some meth! He was good at it, too
All his customers loved the blue crystalline hue

 

“Gee whiz!” they would screech as they scratched at their necks
Forking over their cash (Walter didn’t take checks)
“This meth is the shit! It’s as pure as the snow
I can’t feel half my face, or all six of my toes!”
And Heisenberg’s morals began to get murky
As word of his meth spread throughout Albuquerque
Just who was this cook? People wanted to know
Who’s this chemist Da Vinci? This modern Van Gogh?
And Walt—this whole time—just gets darker and deeper
Avoiding his wife (and sometimes the Grim Reaper)
He violently fumbled and fiddled with fate
His ego inflated at quick, bloody rates
He made a few friends in the biz, then got greedy
And pissed off some folks who had eyes that were beady

Which brings us to now, at the end of Walt’s rope
The future looks bleak, but heck yes, there’s still hope
Walt tries to off Gus with a bomb detonation
And nearly succeeds (despite pure desperation)
But Gus smells a trap, and Walt’s bomb is for naught
So he meets up with Jesse, who’s super distraught
‘Cause Jesse’s main squeeze has a kid who got sick
(Here’s a spoiler alert: it turns out Walt’s a dick)
Walt and Jesse converse. Here’s the long story short
Walter wants to kill Gus, and has this to report:
“Does Gus have a sixth sense? Jesus, what did you say??
He was close to my bomb, then he just walked away!”
“Whoa, hold on!” Jesse hissed. “I’ll ask questions a little
Does that bag have a bomb? In this goddamn hospital?!”

“Perhaps,” countered Walter. “But what about Gus?
Believe me, if it isn’t him, then it’s us!”
But Jesse did not get a chance to respond
‘Cause a couple of cops (one quite bald and one blonde)
Had some questions for him about ricin and Brock
This was “not a big deal,” they “just wanted to talk”
But Jes’ is no slouch in the hands of the law
The punk puffed out his chest and out-jutted his jaw
Then he lawyered on up—Saul would know what to do
Sure enough, Saul’s the man: “Hasta luego, fuzz. Shoo!”
Meanwhile, extortion was waiting for Walt
(Although, to be fair, that was sort of his fault)

His home isn’t safe; there are hitmen nearby
But he’d soon hatch a plan all his cash couldn’t buy
Because Walt gets some info from Jesse through Saul:
Old Hector might be on their side after all!
Walt gets the brash buzzard to mutely agree
To this one last hoorah (and blood-splattered debris)
So now for the climax: remember that bomb?
It goes the heck off, but good Gus remains calm
He straightens his tie as he heads for the door
With a whole lot less face than a minute before
Walt calls up his wife when the deed has been done
“It’s over,” he says. “We’re all safe, ‘cause I won.”

But it’s not over yet. Walter might be the king
There’s just one small detail, just one tiny last thing:
When this saga concludes at the end of part five
It’s quite likely that few of Walt’s crew might survive
‘Cause his darkness delves deeper inside this finale
Like roots on a lily from down in the valley





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2 responses so far

2 Responses to “If the Season Four Finale of Breaking Bad Was Written by Dr. Seuss”

  1. Michaelon 13 Jul 2012 at 2:15 pm

    UNBELIEVABLE, TJ!!! I read it out loud with that awesome Dr. Seuss rhyming rhythm, the rhymes came out so nice.

  2. [...] PostsBreaking Bad Review: “Bug”Breaking Bad Review: “Gliding Over All”If the Season Four Finale of Breaking Bad Was Written by Dr. SeussBreaking Bad Review: “Say My Name”Breaking Bad Review: “Crawl Space” No [...]

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