Jun 25 2012
So you wait your whole adolescence for Wolverine to get his own movie, and it sucks. It sucks so bad that it aches your insides to watch it. And for anyone who thinks that Origins may have been a mixing of a bunch of Wolverine stories, I do feel compelled to tell you that it was indeed its own comic.
The only thing missing is a honey badger.
And truthfully, the story in the Origins comic was amazing. You know the director and writer of the Wolverine movie had to caught wind of it, because there are hints of the origin story from the Wolverine comic book at the beginning of the movie, but then, it is just never touched on again. And slowly, as you watch, the greatest injustice that has ever been done to a badass character slowly unfolds.
There are SO MANY great Wolverine canon stories they could have pulled from to make that film, so the messy plate full of nonsense they served me and called a Wolverine movie was one of the biggest insults to me as a comic book fan. Will i.am is in that movie. as WRAITH. What the f*ck kind of nonsense was that?
“Wolverine, please kill him?” is all I kept thinking.
And then what that film did to Deadpool? You take one of the crazier and more enjoyable characters in the Marvel U. You put him in a blender. You hint at his crazy side (I initially found the Ryan Reynolds casting of Deadpool to be spot on) in the beginning, and then you stich his mouth shut and make him some sort of super skrull who has everyone’s powers. WHAT!!?? Why?
To show you just how bad a choice that was, let me sum up Deadpool to you using one page:
As you can see, the film really stayed true to the character.
And not only that, they created some stupid and illogical back stories that had no place and made no sense. And that ending. Unforgivable. Now there are rumors afoot that the next Wolverine movie will pull from the Frank Miller stories, and that would be amazing. But from what I know about Hollywood, expect the next Wolverine movie to play out like a romantic comedy, Edward Scissorhands style.
You are just cringed as you read that because you know how right I will probably end up being.
Punisher: War Zone
How do you screw up a character as cool and intense as the Punisher? Especially when you have already basically done it almost right once. I won’t say twice because that early Dolph Lundgren version of the Punisher really sucked. But it was the 80′s. We can forgive bad stuff from the 80′s. What we can’t forgive is a movie like War Zone, which gets everything wrong and SO wrong, in fact, you may have to turn the movie off. Yes, it is THAT bad.
There are really points when this movie feels like a bad fan film. I have no idea what producer saw this film and thought it was OK to distribute, but whoever that is most likely is out of a job now. And justifiably so.
My real question about everything in this picture is: Why?
I once submitted a Punisher story to Marvel when I was eleven that went like this:
Guys are in a room doing (bad) stuff.
Punisher comes in room and shoots all the bad guys.
They all die.
Punisher walks out of room.
Fact: Mike Zeck made the illest Punisher covers ever. Fact
They kindly declined and I knew it was not my strongest work. In hindsight, that story ended up being the script for the second movie. I didn’t get writing credits, but I got a percent of the film’s earnings, which ended up being negative twelve million dollars. So technically, I OWE them money for helping them make a movie this bad.
Howard the Duck: They may have gotten the whole vibe of the comic wrong, but I secretly love this movie. As you guys know.
Every Fantastic Four Film Ever Made: There are three of them that I know of, and all of them make my eyes vomit.
The Roger Corman produced Fantastic Four is my favorite of the batch, though.
Daredevil: Bad Ben Affleck! *Hits Ben Affleck with a newspaper until he scurries under couch, whimpering.
The Spirit: I truly expected to love this film and I walked out of it mumbling “dafuq did I just watch?”
Spiderman 3: How do you f*ck up Venom? Topher Grace, that’w how.
Kickass: I know some people may argue, and the movie did almost EVERYTHING perfect (especially the casting of Big Daddy and Hit Girl, who stole the show), but that jetpack scene at the end of the film was such a ‘jump the shark’ moment.
In the comic book, it is not a jetpack. It is a flamethrower. And it does not end well for the bad guys. The whole movie was a little over the top, but the learning how to fly and perfectly control a jetpack with turrets in an hour was just too silly and concept for even me to grasp.
And another thing, the point of Kickass was that even after all he has been through, he never gets the girl. It’s called life.
This is a visual metaphor for how life will treat you.
The movie has him get the girl in the end, literally.
Not cool, Hollywood. Not cool.
And don’t EVEN get me started on bad book to movie translations, we would be here all day. I Am Legend, I am looking at you….
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