Jun 13 2012
Sometimes, seeing two comic book characters you grew up admiring having sex can be as awkward as walking in on your parents engaged in similar behavior. There is just a preset image in your mind about how those people are supposed to be at all times, and naked and sweaty are just not in that equation. On top of it, there is something super human about superheroes, yet something so inherently human about sex, that it sort of takes away some of the mystique surrounding that character.
Yes, I used ‘mystique’ on purpose there. That woman is like a shape shifting, nymphomaniac smurfette and I love her for it. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, comic book sex scenes. Here are a few that caught me off guard and caused me to never look at capes quite the same way again.
Spiderman Does The Venus Butterfly On Mary Jane
Ok, let me get a few things off my chest about how I like my Peter Parker. I like my Peter awkward. I like him bumbling and socially inept, yet ready to change into an insane and agile warrior when the moment comes. I want my Peter Parker to be insecure until he gets his suit on, and then I want him to turn into a cocky superhero who shoots webs, kicks ass, and only speaks in sarcasm. You know how I DON’T want my Peter Parker? Donned in a robe, looking like Hugh Hefner, propositioning Mary Jane with some freakishly intricate and specific sexual activities.
Every single thing that is going on here, from clothing to the faux French accent, is just so wrong.
Now we understand that during the Dave Micheline/Todd McFarlane run on Spiderman, they tried to make the character a little more “edgy” and interesting, but this was not the way to do that. Suddenly, an icon who I had adored since I was a child was reduced to a creepy guy with creepy techniques trying to trick his wife into bed. It was a slimy moment that did nothing to further the characters or their connection, and only made Peter Parker suddenly seemed slimy, which he never had before .
Plus, what the sh*t is up with Mary Jane’s sleeves here? Between his black and red robe, and her pirate sleeves, this looks like some pirate role playing going on here.
And the very worst part in all of this? The ‘venus butterfly’ is indeed a real sexual technique that has existed since first published about in 1969.
Watchmen Multiplies The Fun With Silk Spectre
Granted, this was a limited series, so I was not as traumatized by the act of seeing these two have sex in as much as I was sort of taken aback by how they had sex. No, I don’t mean “reverse cowgirl”. I mean the way Dr Manhattan made clones of himself that would address all the areas a woman could want covered during sex. The thing is, we find out when she finds out, for the most part, and her response becomes ours. Terror. Absolute terror.
Yes, a third hand poking you in the eye during sex is a turnoff for most women.
Yet, I am also slightly on the fence about this one, because I think most guys would do it if they could, and I don’t think too many woman would complain in the long run. Yeah, it might take a little while to get used to, but if my girlfriend cloned multiple versions of herself for my own sexual pleasure, I really don’t think that would upset me. If anything, I would hope there was a hallmark card that could properly say thank you for something so beautiful.
Plus, my girlfriend doesn’t have a blue penis.
Tthat last sentence may be the single best sentence on the internet. I am sorry to give it such a monumental title, but come on. If I read that by anyone else, I would stalk them as a result of it.
Superman In a Porno
Ok, I will admit it. I was not a huge DC fan growing up, so I didn’t learn about this one until long after the fact, but even then, it still is incredibly shocking and three miles past insane. Now I will also admit that Superman never actually does the deed, but the fact that it got as close as the following pics indicate is unbelievable.
The fact that it got to the point where they were on a bed, arms outstretched to each other, tells you just how “not normal comic book” fodder this is. Now I know some fanboys will come on here and say “That did not belong on the list beacause there is no actual sex AND Superman is under mind control.” But my response to that is “This is just a list, guys. Relax. Have a laugh. I am not trying to win a Pulitzer here.”
Cool side note: Jack Kirby hated this story and did not want to see it go to print because he felt like it was way too extreme for a Superman comic. DC disagreed. And in hindsight, comic God Jack Kirby was right. Hell, Jack Kirby was always right. He was Jack Kirby.
Lead Character From Wanted Has Sex With You
Yes, you read that correctly. This one is slightly vulgar, so I suggest you scrolling to the next one if you do not want to be effed in your B. Notice how I just censored myself? Yeah, that is how insane this one is.
Wanted was an amazing book, and like typical Mark Millar stuff, it was violent and deranged and completely unapologetic. The movie did it NO justice, so if you think you know the story, you don’t. The real story is about a group of super villains who kill all the worlds heroes and just sort of run everything. It ends up being far more twisted and far more compelling than I made it sound, but there is a sex scene at the very end of the book that you will not see coming, pun intended.
You see, in this scene, which is the last page in the book, you get a long monologue about how YOUR life is meaningless. You meaning me, meaning us. They directly address the reader for being a passive, useless lump on a sofa who is good for nothing, much like the character was at the beginning of the book.
Then they let you know you are the book’s bitch.
If you plan to read this book, look away now. This is a major spoiler.
And then the book ends.
I knew the minute I heard they were making a Wanted movie, they were not really making a Wanted movie. And they didn’t. They made a video game. A fairly mild videogame. In the comic, it is right around the time you meet the character that is made out of feces that you realize this is no kid’s book and the film did it no justice. But that last page in the book? Just crazy.
Colossus and Kitty Pryde Do It And Wolverine Can “Smell” It
Listen, I REALLY loved Whedon’s run on Astonishing X-Men. Yes, it was edgy at times. And yes, it was overly dramatic at times. But it had some truly amazing moments. When Beast and Wolverine become feral and fight like animals being just one of the cool moments, but you know what I didn’t need to know?
I didn’t need to know that Wolverine could smell that Kitty Pryde and the newly resurrected (rediscovered?) Colossus had sex. I just didn’t need to know that.
The one time Colossus is not hard as metal. How ironic.
And it wasn’t just that. It was the fact that I had been fed this image as Kitty Pryde as a forever teen, so to suddenly see this “sexy” side to her was quite strange. Now I know Whedon was doing his best to mature some of the more stale characters, and he did do a great job on his run, BUT, this felt too much like I was peering through a keyhole watching these two finally hook up, and it just felt a little weird to me.
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