Mar 28 2012
Spoiler Alert! Peter Dinklage owns a small part of my heart.
And you can say ” Well, avoid Twitter on those day the show is on” or ” dodge the Game of Thrones hashtags”, but for anyone who has spent any significant amount of time online can tell you, even in avoiding those, you will still be lead to websites with spoiler articles and spoiler headlines. It is just how the web works, once something is trending, forget about it. Even sports websites were talking about the Ned Stark moment for crying out loud (see how the show is under five seasons, so I called it the “Ned Stark Moment?”). Is there is no safe place, no sanctuary, from the damnation of the spoiler?
And please spare us the ” Well you guys are guilty of this, too!” retorts, because we are a website that reports on popular culture, which means show and games and movies are often reviewed. That is kind of OUR JOB. But Paul Tassi (who does the reviews) does a remarkable job of posting spoiler warnings, and besides, if you open an article about a show or movie you don’t want spoiled, the fault is your own for opening the article.
That being said, if I am guilty for ever spoiling something for you on a piece I had written, I extend a genuine apology right now. That is never my intention, but, from time to time it will happen. At least when you are reading a list of shocking moments, you can almost understand how there could be a spoiler or two, so I imagine you approach it with caution, but again I have to ask, what is the excuse on Facebook or Twitter?
Spoiler Alert! There was a cake in the box at the end of Seven, and Brad Pitt HATES cake!
Also, whose fault is it for looking at Facebook or Twitter and being subjected to some pretentious ass posting about the end of the Hunger Games books? Should we not be allowed to enjoy the fruits of social networking just because some people are trolling or are too stupid to know what a faux pas is?
The other contenders for “things most people like to spoil” lately would be The Walking Dead TV show and the ending of Mass Effect 3. From people posting about what characters got killed or went missing on The Walking Dead every Sunday, to the people posting about what party members died in Mass Effect 3 for two weeks straight, it was like the world was playing a cruel trick on me and urinating all over everything I love, R Kelly style.
Spoiler Alert! Rick performs self surgery and becomes a woman in season 3.
And in an ironic spin, there is that part of me that wants to reduce myself down to their level sometimes, but I catch myself. I have read every single issue of The Walking Dead comic book and could probably spoil the sh*t out of it for every person who has ruined an episode of the show for me, but the truth is, I don’t, because a spoiler hound is the worst thing ever.
And for those who want to argue that The Walking Dead show “DOESN’T FOLLOW THE COMIC BOOK!”, you are absolutely insane on an inconceivable level to me. You think they are not going to at least SLIGHTLY follow the blue print of stories laid out by the massive comic run? Yes, I have heard “them” say that the show does not follow the comic book, too. And it is a brilliant move to keep everyone watching and to limit spoiler hounds from crapping out all the big reveals.
But rest assured, every single thing that has happened in the show, that has actually been relevant to the show, has happened in the comic book, albeit it on a very different timeline, with the exception of the CDC and the redneck hand removal. Just the fact that TWO major characters in the comic story lines have been cast for the next season tells me I could spoil the sh*t out of it, but like I said, I dare not encroach upon the level of pretentiousness some of those Game of Thrones readers so hungrily hold on to right now. I will NOT become what I hate most.
In hindsight, when thinking about game spoilers, I am actually grateful Skyrim had such a weak story, or I am SURE that would have been another thing ruined via social networking. Luckily, Skyrim posts just boiled down to “Just got my 13th shout. Game glitched and I fought two dragons at once. I love this game.” (or) ” My companion just fell thr0ugh the floor because of a glitch and now all the loot I had him carry is GONE! I HATE this game!”
Honestly, the first person who ruins the inevitable Bioshock Infinite surprise for me, or for anyone else for that matter, will be tortured in ways that would make that weird old guy from Saw blush.
This tree just complained about the ending to Mass Effect 3 on Twitter.
Now I fully realize thus far, this piece sounds like nothing more than whining, but that is not the case. In between all the whining, points WERE made. It is not about just complaining, but it is about bringing this issue to light.
I think we all need to understand that not everyone is internet savvy, and some people, who must have been liberally allowed to nibble on lead paint chips as a child, just cannot grasp the concept of a spoiler. But these have to be the same people who do not understand how it is not OK to wear underwear on the outside of your pants or who to punch inanimate things, right? How can these people not know that spoiling awesome is unacceptable? Or could it be they just don’t know?
Perhaps it is our job to take those people under our wings delicately and inform them of the error of their ways. To let them know that blurting out things that they are excited about is just not OK, and in some cases, ruins the story and suspense and enjoyment for others who have not yet had the time to enjoy said intellectual property.
Blurting things out uncontrollably may also be the sign of an onset of Tourettes Syndrome, which as most of you know, is no laughing matter. Best we band together and find out early then let these people live their lives without knowing.
Or on the other extreme, maybe they are just stupid, selfish people who take pleasure in ruining things for other people because their lives are so shallow and meaningless that they do whatever they can in a desperate cry for attention to quell their unquenchable, starving loneliness?. At which point, we should all delete them out of our social networks and “friend” lists, because they are obviously not well.
And if we all delete the people who leave spoilers on Facebook or Twitter, we would be left with about 3 friends each. But at least the spoilers hounds would be silenced. That is a small price to pay.
And the survival rate of laptops would increase significantly as a result.
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