Feb 22 2012
Since my childhood, movies have been lying to me. Not only lying to me, but lying to my face. Lessons I was learning through cinema as I was growing up were greatly exaggerated and oftentimes, altogether wrong. The problem was, I was raising myself through movies because both my parents abandoned me as a small child (for eight hours a day, respectively) and movies were always there.
Oh, movies. And the damned lies they tell us.
All Sex is Good
While awkward sex has been portrayed in film, it is the minority by far. This trope is kind of hilarious, though. Just because it is such an unfair thing to try convince people. It especially makes me feel bad for people who don’t form relationships until their twenties, because, by then, they have been force-fed this belief for so long that no matter how good it is, the first time they have sex, it will probably suck.
I was lucky, I learned pretty young that this was a lie that movies were telling me. We don’t all shimmer like that. There is no such thing as perfect lighting. Sometimes, sex is awkward.
We don’t all roll over, perfectly coated in shine, and smile wide while our partner embraces us. No matter what music you put on, be it a CD or a Pandora station, the flow and tempo between songs will change, thusly affecting your pump speed. Movies NEVER touch on these things.
Wait, why are YOU behind ME? Oh no, I didn’t sign up for this…
You ever notice in those scenes, it is all happens during ONE SONG? Yeah, unless you are weird and like to play tracks on repeat, over and over, that is not how sex works. Oh, unless you are quick on the draw. Then I guess one song is really feasible, but if you think she isn’t making fun of you to her friends about how you only lasted two verses into Total Eclipse of the Heart then you are crazy because she is. Right now. Trust me, I am friends with her.
And the moaning and back clawing and such?
Well, that stuff tends to feel a little forced in real life. For example, if you are with a girl, and she claws at your back with her nails, attempting to run them down your back in a very specific fashion, if you are anything like me, you think: This girl has seen too many movies.
I imagine it must happen to woman a lot as well. The guy who stands in the doorway and takes his shirt off, all slow-motion style ? Does that happen in real life? Someone needs to comment on this piece and tell me.
Perpetrators: Gia. Basic Instinct. Don’t Look Now. The Big Easy. The Last Seduction. Risky Business.
The Ease It Takes to Knock Someone Out
I love the fact that movies want you to believe that you can knock someone unconscious with all the ease of blowing lightly on their face. Now I know people will say “Well, in this one fight in the UFC…” but I would cut you off right there and tell you that is a void statement. Those men are trained in the art of making other people unconscious in as time efficient a manner as possible, so it is a bad example.
Note the blood and the anguish and the twisted position he ended up in.
In movies, even Adrien Brody seems to have the ability to punch someone once and make them topple over. To put it in perspective, Adrian Brody weighs 26 pounds. No, seriously, it is on his IMDB page.
Hi, my name is Adrien Brody. I weigh 26 pounds and fight Predators.
Truthfully, the act of knocking someone out takes a cavalcade of things to work out perfectly. The angle and speed behind the punch. How ready the person was for the impact. Where they absorbed most of the impact.
But Hollywood wants you to think that if you just punch someone, square in the jaw that it equals instant sleeping person. Yeah, that is not the case. It usually ends with the punch victim getting mad and then punching back, which in turn starts a vicious cycle of punching that some historians dubbed “fighting”. That seems to make more sense to us than the one punch knockout, but Hollywood LOVES that shit.
We do understand this trope started in the early days of film, and for that era, it works. There was something sort of fitting with that image for those times, but why hasn’t it evolved? To this day, I am seeing the ‘good guy’ tap the ‘bad guy’ on the shoulder to turn around and then punch him out. I wish it was that easy. I would rob about A HUNDRED ARMORED TRUCKS! I meant to say, I wouldn’t use that skill, but I would be grateful I had it. Yeah, that’s it. That is what I meant.
Perpetrators: Indiana Jones. James Bond. Fast and the Furious. Die Hard. Commando.
Dead People Have Guts
I know when it comes to a zombie movie, you need to suspend all disbelief, but this one has always annoyed me. It does not annoy me that the dead walk or that they eat people. Actually, I find that kind of cool. It is the fact that often times when they got shot or cut or decapitated in these films, they often have blood and guts.
I think I left my cell phone over there, could you pass it to me?
Wait, aren’t there morticians who work at the morgue that take the organs out and pump out the blood out before the burial so that the gasses won’t all build up and cause the corpse to explode or some other awesome thing? I think I am right.
Someone in the comments will probably tell me otherwise, but I think I am right.
But time and time again in these INCREDIBLY SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE zombie movies, you see zombies with their intestines hanging out, dragging behind them. Or you see them get shot and there is a spray of blood.
Now I know, I am picking on something that is ONLY in zombie films, but it is in ALL zombie films, and there are a lot of zombie films, so I think it is fair game.
Perpetrators: Dawn of the Dead (both). Undead. Dance of the Dead. Day of the Dead. Any other movie that ends in: of the Dead.
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