Feb 17 2012
Shane can stay.
As you may know, I watch The Walking Dead each and every week, yet I manage to find about a dozen things I hate about each episode. It’s a strange relationship we have.
What it comes down to is that I love the concept, a show about surviving the zombie apocalypse, but hate the vast majority of the characters.
How to fix that? Well, I had an idea. What if you brought back some characters from deceased shows that aren’t around any more to come fight zombies in this new era? They’d be far better equipped to kick some zombie ass than the stupid Lori (“I better go tell my husband who left five minutes ago that we really need him to hurry!”) or appeasing Rick (“We must respect his belief that the zombies are sick people!). But these folks? They don’t mess around and would be not only the saviors of the group, but of all humanity.
1. Jack Bauer (24)
I really could end the list right here, couldn’t I? With Bauer watching your back, you almost wouldn’t need anyone else. The retired CTU agent could easily transition from hunting terrorists to killing zombies, and he wouldn’t even be on a strict time schedule! Last we saw of him, he was on the run from the government, but with the slate wiped clean, he could thrive during the apocalypse.
2. Kate Austen (Lost)
She was a fugitive from the law for months, and managed to survive for years on a mystical island that was a portal to the afterlife, or something. I think she could handle more than a few zombies, and we’ve seen her handle a pistol well. She’d certainly be better than Lori or that idiotic blonde chick who thought it was a good idea to shoot at a zombie that looked like Daryl.
3. Omar Little (The Wire)
The zombies couldn’t say it, but they’d be thinking it. “Omar comin’!” He was raised on the streets, and ripped of dangerous drug dealers for years. He’d be more than able to survive in the current zombie landscape, and he’d be way less of a token black guy than the current fellow who injured his arm once and has done nothing else interesting since.
4. River Tam (Firefly)
Yes, she comes from the future, but a space-time portal or some other such Maguffin could bring her into this new zombie filled world where she’d thrive. She’s more of a hand to hand combat person, but so long as she didn’t ingest a drop of blood as she was decapitating a herd of zombies in a frenzied whirlwind, she might be the most deadly survivor in the crew.
5. Tobias Funke (Arrested Development)
What? Not everyone has to be a master of weaponry or combat. With his cat-like reflexes and penchant for disguise (so long is the surrounding area is blue), he could be a valuable asset in the group, and provide some much needed comic relief in a show that has absolutely none.
6. Joan Holloway (Mad Men)
Alright, alright, so her show’s still on the air and we don’t know much about her combat skills, but there’s no denying that even zombies would have to stop in their tracks to admire those curves. And as they stood there, decaying jaws gaping, Jack Bauer and River Tam could get in there and end their undead existence for good. Every good flytrap needs some honey.
More Unreal Posts
- The Morning Link: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide…For Zombies
- I’ll Allow It: Cockneys vs. Zombies
- Freddie Prinze Jr. is NOT the New Jack Bauer
- 24 Should Just Say F**k it and do an Alien Invasion Already
- The Morning Link: Why you Secretly Want a Zombie Apocolypse