Jan 26 2012
by TJ Fink
[Ed. note: Here at Unreality, we don't advocate drug abuse. We do, however, have a new hire in our research department with a darker past than his CV initially let on. Last week we confiscated a surprising amount of airplane glue from his desk, lent him a laptop, and told him to put those inner demons to good use. Sorry about that.]
Here’s the bad news: After breaking your back at Company X for six soul-sucking years, you’ve just been laid off. You’re jobless, lady-less, and officially in a bad way by the time you finally trudge home to your cramped apartment.
Here’s the good news: You were given a sweet eight-month severance package! At least you’ve got a little time to get back on your feet. But as you let out a disgruntled sigh and reach for the remote control, an epiphany strikes. You don’t want to be gruntled right now. Being on your feet is the last thing you need—hasn’t all this grief earned you a week of respite?
You need to mentally unplug for a while, but will need some help reaching for the cord. So you pick up the phone and call That Guy from That Party Who Knows a Friend Who Knows a Guy to place an order for…well, drugs, OK? We’re talking about drugs now. Once they’re procured (not only pizza gets delivered in NYC!), it’s time to lock your apartment door, pick a spot on the couch, pull up your favorite piss bucket, and kick off the most mind-erasing movie marathon ever: 7 drugs, 7 movies, 7 days. Here’s what you can expect.
Day #1: Alcohol
Inebriated Flick of Choice: Beerfest (2006)
OK, OK, seems pretty obvious. It’s right in the name: Beerfest. But there are lots of movies about alcohol abuse, and many of them are downright depressing, as if the abusers are on some sort of…depressant. Hell, Bad Santa’s supposed to be a comedy, but watching Billy Bob Thornton abuse his liver and berate children gets kind of sad after a while. You don’t need sad—you’re miserable enough as it is. You need an unrealistic narrative that celebrates intoxication at its best, with no negative consequences whatsoever (well, mostly) for its protagonists. Beerfest is that movie, and you’re going to have a kickass time polishing off that 24-pack of Miller High Life before the credits roll.
What you can expect: To get shitfaced, what else? But seriously, there’s only a 4% chance that you’ll wake up the next day without having broken something in your pad (oh that’s right, after beer #17 you sometimes turn into an angry drunk), and even worse odds that you’ll be wearing pants. All the appropriate hangover symptoms will kick in (dehydration, vomiting, uncontrollable erections, etc.). But once you’ve emptied your surprisingly-full piss bucket, you’re ready for Day #2. Well, not ready per se; your head is pounding, and you’re starting to think this self-imposed hiatus might not be such a great idea. Luckily, you’ve got just the thing…
Day #2: Cannabis
Inebriated Flicks of Choice: Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Now that’s the ticket. Weed’s a pain-reliever, right? Doesn’t it settle the stomach, too? You’ve got those two problems in spades, but not for long. You learned how to make a gravity bong from some chick on Yahoo! Answers the other week, and after a few puffs of something your dealer called “Dragonberry Cheese,” that hangover’s totally mellowed out, man. It’s movie time, but you don’t want to watch something that requires even an iota of thought. No, you need a movie you’ve seen a thousand times, one whose characters, themes, and plot points are as familiar as the back wall of your empty fridge. But it should still entertain you. Lord of the Rings should do it. Hell, Gandalf’s stoned pretty much the whole time, isn’t he?
What you can expect: To sleep through the closing scenes of all three movies. You know how it all ends anyway—they get the ring to the volcano, save Middle Earth, have a hobbit orgy at the top of Orthanc, blah blah blah—so it’s not hard to hand your consciousness over to the Dragon…berry. You’ll order Chinese food after Fellowship, and accidentally use the sesame chicken as a pillow shortly after. You’ll awake the next morning feeling refreshed (if a bit bloated), hangover-free, and substantially more retarded than you were 72 hours ago. That’s just the “Cheese” part doing its thing.
Note: You also could have gone with Pineapple Express, which is sort of like Beerfest for weed.
Day #3: Adderall
Inebriated Flick of Choice: Donnie Darko (2001)
After all this quality rest, you’re feeling a bit guilty about pumping your petulant body with all those pesticides. You need a little reminder of how smart you used to be. So now it’s time for Adderall, which provides the dual benefit (if you remember correctly from college) of keeping you awake and, more importantly, turning you into a temporary genius. You’re ready to watch something more cerebral, and that’s where Donnie Darko comes in. You only heard about it from your hipster neighbor down the hall, who alleged that it was “so meta, man. So totally meta.” Whatever that meant. But during your second round of 20mg, your brain yearns for meaningful stimulation…! Besides, the hipster lent you his DVD, and nobody else on your floor will open their doors to you, for some reason.
What you can expect: To guess every major plot point just before it happens. Those amphetamine salts get the ol’ synapses firing, yessiree. But there’s no way you’ll guess the ending, let alone understand it (at first). Luckily, in your brain’s current state you have a hunger for knowledge (and little else, actually, since Adderall inhibits the appetite). After you return the DVD and engage the hipster in 48 minutes of intelligent-sounding drivel, you’ll spend the next six hours Googling questions like “Did Donnie really time-travel?” “What did Grandma Death whisper in his ear again?” “Is there really a tangent universe?” and “Oh my god am I grinding my teeth?” You’ll smoke some leftover weed to settle down, probably.
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