It takes very little to become famous today, partially due to the ease with which news travels (have a sex tape? Great! Post the SFW snippets on YouTube and a million people may see it before the day is through). Mostly, however, the fame is owed to plastic surgeons who were geniuses at cosmetology school, proving that almost anyone can be turned into a diva.

Fame used to only come to those who were truly beautiful or at least had some sort of talent, like acting or singing. Then there was a small percentage of the famous who earned their place by having a deformity, being extra-weird, and generally being such a misfit that others saw them as a spectacle. This small percentage pretty much makes up the majority of famous people today — except that instead of birth defects, the freaks are all plastic surgery addicts with completely reconstructed bodies and faces.

Here are five average-at-best celebrities and the cosmetology school graduates who made them beautiful.

Heidi Montag

If you didn’t think Montag was going to be the first name on this list, you should probably stop living under a rock. Or maybe you should continue; you would at least be spared from shallow, meaningless celebrities like Heidi Montag. Montag first gained recognition for her part on MTV’s The Hills, where she dated fellow douchebag Spencer Pratt. Montag confessed to being a plastic surgery addict when the media began realizing — and scrutinizing — her multiple plastic surgeries on areas of her body which already seemed pretty flawless. Many people believe that Montag is significantly more attractive before her ridiculous surgeries, but she’s now ‘beautiful’ by Hollywood’s standards:

Giant breasts, a perfectly sculpted nose, eyebrow shaping, botox in multiple areas of her face, a second nose job, plumped cheeks, chin reduction, neck liposuction, more breast implants, liposuction on her waist, hips, and inner thighs, and butt implants — Montag seems like she could teach at cosmetology school herself. Despite her mountain of life-threatening surgeries (she underwent so many operations she actually almost died at one point), no one cares about Montag and her fame has dwindled into oblivion.

Jodie Marsh

Again, the word ‘beautiful’ tends to mean ‘meeting Hollywood’s basic profile requirements’ and nothing more. For British ‘model’ Jodie Marsh, that means multiple boob jobs, a semi-botched nose job, botox, lip injections, cheek and chin implants, and who knows what else. In her ‘before’ pictures, Marsh is a fresh-faced, pretty girl next door type. After her multiple surgeries by doctors whom she surely made regret attending cosmetology school, Marsh is looking like a character from Baywatch on Meth.  And now?  Today?  Today she’s a body builder and we really don’t want to show you those pictures.

Donatella Versace

Versace must pay her surgeon twice — once for the surgery, and a second time for his therapy. Versace has had so much work done that there should be a cosmetology school course to study her, the mythical creature of botox and boob jobs. Donatella Versace, 55, has had multiple facelifts and injections to try and stop the wrinkles from appearing on her face. She’s had her lips pumped up to balloon size, and her breasts have been augmented so much they now look like two cancerous tumors on her frail, skeletal frame. Although most find Versace far from beautiful, there are undoubtedly some who have a Gollum fetish and would love to crawl into bed with this creepy creature.

Alicia Douvall

Alicia who? Exactly. Not all the surgeries in the world could make this chick famous, beyond what little coverage she got for simply being addicted to dangerous cosmetic surgeries. Douvall, who looks like an alien from Avatar, checked herself into rehab in 2009 for her addiction to plastic surgery. Douvall earned her fifteen minutes of fame from glamour modeling and dating celebrities, whom she would gossip about to tabloids (for a price, of course). She lost her fame, fortune, family and friends after spending 2 million USD on cosmetic surgeries.

“I’ve had so many operations that I can’t feel my stomach, my left breast, or anything under my right arm,” says Douvall. She had her first surgery as a teen and, since that time, has accumulated over 100 operations including 15 boob jobs. After a while, doctors began using their better judgment and turning the girl away — a lesson which must be taught in cosmetology school in order to make sure these people have morals.

Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee Simpson, pop singer and wife to Fallout Boy singer whatever-his-name-is, underwent a nose job to perfect her bumpy little witch nose. Although she was already pretty without the operation, the nose was honestly an improvement. It’s been rumored that Simpson has undergone other surgeries, such as chin and nose jobs, but the nose surgery is the only one she’s admitted to so far. It’s pretty clear that she’s had some work done on her lips, which is particularly interesting because it makes one wonder about all the women who get this identical lip-plumping. It never looks natural; it almost always turns the lips into a pocked, duck-like form, having a somewhat comical effect. Pete Wentz. Her ex-husband’s name is Pete Wentz.

One thing is for sure: plastic surgery won’t make you like yourself better. Montag and all the other people addicted to these dangerous procedures aren’t better off for it; they still hate themselves as much as ever. Cosmetology school students aren’t training to become therapists — just doctors who can dismantle and rearrange you like any old piece of machinery. Just like machine work, things can and do go wrong, often with disastrous consequences.